A
female
age
30-35,
*ust_a_girl_28
writes:I tend to always just try and be the perfect girlfriend to the guy i'm with.I pamper him with care and support and I do a lot of cute things for him such as leaving cute notes in his car for him to find or I give him massages and make it all about him. I also tend to become just about him. I control my going out and only go out when necessary and have very few girl nights to keep him comfortable with no worries of me cheating. I also stop talking to many guys and just stay in touch with close friends, dropping the ones I harldy talk to and don't care about. I constantly call to check in and check up on him to. I remind him constantly as well that I care about him so he can feel secure with our relationship and know that I really am happy with him.What is the ACTUAL perfect girl for a guy?am i doing too much or do I need improvement?sometimes it feels like if all i do is not appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, just_a_girl_28 +, writes (12 June 2009):
just_a_girl_28 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for the advice. It really did help and make me think a lot. maybe I do just need to relax and if he like me for me then he does and if not then there is more guys out there that will. Thanks again! (:
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Reading your question I felt as if a younger version of me from the past was talking.
I know what you are going through- I have been there. You do these things because you want your boyfriend to love you, you want him to say he needs you and that he cannot be without you. Its all about you. Also, it appears as if you feel that you have no intrinsic worth; that being yourself is not enough, somehow you need to continuously go out of your way to do things for your boyfriend so that you can justify to YOURSELF why he is with you.
Reading your question moved me, you are hopeful and are actually looking to do MORE for him. You ask what it means to be a perfect girlfriend. This is dangerous ground. You are aiming for perfection and this is a set up for failure. There is no such thing as a perfect girlfriend- aiming for that will slowly over the years build resentment and bitterness as you will never achieve this goal. It will only make you unhappy.
Instead, look to see what you can offer that doesn't involve you doing things FOR him. You are already doing more than enough- your role as a girlfriend is not a chore. It should be fun. Focus on doing things WITH him. Go out with him, have fun, cheer him up if he is down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): SamanthaX said everything I would have said but said it better.
Perfect partner is trustworthy and true to themselves, these traits are universal all other factors are down to personal preference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): If you constantly call him, i am not sure that is being the perfect girlfriend, it sounds a bit clingy....Also if you are in a relationship, you like the other partner having lots of friends so they can go out and give you space from time to time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): You are doing way too much. Think about what they have to give you and not just what you can give. In the long run you have to be comfortable in a relationship and able to be yourself and not always on your best behaviour.
It's a pity that you stop seeing some of your friends when you have a guy. I would see that as rubbishing your friends. Friends can be a great support during hard times, which we all have, but you have to give to them too. Maybe you could have a think about where you are channelling your giving, and redistribute it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I think you know the answer. All the perfect girlfriends are in books or dead. In the real world there are only men and women with feet of clay who have many doubts and insecurities that get in the way of real relationships.
I would say the perfect partner is he who respects him/herself enough to know that you can only be yourself in a relationship and that realizes that he/she is happiest when the partner makes the other feel at ease by them being who they are. If your mate makes you feel good for who you are you have hit gold.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I don't think there is a definition for a perfect girlfriend, everyone has different preferences.
You clearly do a lot for your boyfriend, yet you say you feel like you are not appreciated. Is this because he shows a lack of interest? Or is it just how you feel?
Sometimes, we can feel insecure and want badly to make someone love us. So we think, "If I do this and this for them, they might love me". So we do it. And we still feel the same. Unloved. We think that we did the wrong thing, and that we need to try harder, put more effort in. But still, nothing helps, and we feel the same.
Does this sound familiar? If so, then this is actually an issue within yourself. Do you believe you are loveable, that you deserve love? Do you feel this way only with your boyfriend, or with other people too?
I would advise just trying to relax a bit, and enjoy your relationship. It sounds like you are working hard on your relationship, but it's not supposed to be like that! Yes, all relationships require effort, but it sounds almost like your attempts to please your boyfriend are a full-time job. What about you? What about what you want and need?
I think you need to remember that there are two people in this relationship. Therefore, your feelings and happiness are just as important as his. Don't lose yourself in this relationship! Remember yourself! x
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