A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid my daughter is 21 years old she graduated got a job and now is pregnant with her first child.The father of this child is a deadbeat he won't work he takes her money and FoodStamps trading them in for money to buy drugs.My daughter and I got in a heated argument about the well being of my grandchild I told her if she keeps giving her check and FoodStamps to this son of a! I am turning her in to welfare next week period .She's working and don't have nothing to show for it .She is living hotel to hotel cause she doesn't wants to hear me telling her she need to leave him alone but she turns on me instead.She keeps this up this child won't have a chance at life?When I met her father he was always the bread winner where could she have gotten this from?? HELP
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): Yes I am angry I am very sorry for lashing out like that and it all makes sense .My daughter has to learn I can't live her life for her she has to hit rock bottom before reality sets in.To think of it I talk to her father he told me the same thing he said to let her go she will come back but its so hard to watch my daughter go from sugar to sh..it's hard.:(
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 January 2014):
 Whoa, I understand you are very distraught about this situation. And justifiably so. But you're lashing out at people who are merely trying to help you.
The beauty of this site is that it is completely anonymous and objective. So mishmash's opinion is based solely from a non-biased standpoint.
It's hard to see that from where you're standing because you are overwhelmed for your daughter. and that is completely justifiable. But remember, nobody is trying to attack you. Simply trying to help.
My opinion is the same as hers. it's hard to watch your child make decisions you know are bad for her well-being, as well as bad for her future child. But have some faith. Maybe your daughter will birth this beautiful baby and suddenly realize what a piece of shit this guy is and leave his ass! Motherly instincts may not have set in just yet.
Or maybe she won't. But either way, no matter how distraught you mag feel, it is still true - it is her life to f*ck up. I know your intentions are good. But all you're doing will inevitably push her closer to this man and further away from you. You don't want that, obviously. So be a friend to your daughter in a time if need like this. As hard as it is, don't lecture her. Don't threaten her. Let her live her life and be her safety net when she needs you. And she will need you.
I hope you can find some peace of mind. And I hope all works out well for you and your family in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): OP,
Insisting you're not a bully and then insulting your daughter isn't a particularly convincing combination. It doesn't sound like you appreciate criticism...I suspect you came to this site frustrated, angry, and looking for compassion and a listening ear. I'd guess your daughter probably has the same aversion to criticism and the same desire for compassion.
If she hears half of this at home, I'm not surprised she's staying in hotels. It honestly sounds like she's avoiding your anger and tying herself to someone who isn't constantly disappointed in her...even if that means setting her standards pretty low.
I guess the only advice one can give you here is to let go of her. If you can't put up with her behavior because it upsets you so much, don't let her live with you. If you choose to help her out, I would say try to make it easier for to make the right decisions...give her a reason to see that you're a better alternative than the dead beat dad.
But being so angry at her has to be unbearable for her and exhausting for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): "to see my daughter walking AROUND with her feet coming out of her shoes and she is fighting to keep her toes from coming out but the rim up the shoe is still holding on...she is at work with a nappy head, uniform dirty and she jus looks thrown away..."I find it odd that you're so focused on how your daughter looks destitute. Why aren't you expressing concern over how her boyfriend is an awful influence on her, taking advantage of her, using her money (which you gloss over), etc? When you talk to her, do you immediately or quickly get up in arms and start yelling at her? If you are, nothing good will come of it. Good thing you care for her grandchild, who chances are, won't grow up in a healthy environment with a dad who does drugs and a very young mother (NOT saying that children growing up in single-parent households leads to bad upbringing or that young mothers make bad mothers). However, you need to clear your head and stop ranting. All I hear is "me, me, me" and "be in my shoes." Your situation is awful as a mother and gradmother. Also, where is her father in this? What does your husband have to say about this? "When I met her father he was always the bread winner where could she have gotten this from??" Just because she grew up with a father who brought home the bacon doesn't mean something went wrong with her getting a job and tolerating a deadbeat boyfriend. Maybe she's convinced she loves her boyfriend, too scared to leave him, feels like she has no friends to turn to for help, etc..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Mismash for one thing I am not bullying my child about turning her in you don't the half of what my daily life is with my daughter to see my daughter walking AROUND with her feet coming out of her shoes and she is fighting to keep her toes from coming out but the rim up the shoe is still holding on this is the type of sh..I'm talking about !It's not the fact about me bullying her to see my child working and she is at work with a nappy head, uniform dirty and she jus looks thrown away and you telling me I am bullying her give me a Dam Break try my shoes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I'm not a mother and perhaps not qualified to comment, but I'd say she's probably freaked out by your reaction:
-You are already laying claim to her pregnancy as "your grandchild"...
-You are threatening to turn her in to authorities...
-And you are already criticizing her potential as a mother before the child is even before born.
You seem to take her life choices personally...Given that she is probably worried herself about having this kid, I'm not surprised she's avoiding you when you dump all your worry on her. Your bullying in fact may be pushing her closer to this dead beat.
If you want to help her and her child out, you could be withhold the criticism and offer your ear(clearly not your money). Or if her life choices are unforgivable to you, tell her "not in my house" and that might prompt her to get straight on her own. But don't just dump on her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I think Aunty Em is right except that she is being really kind to your feelings. The way that you write about this seems full of anger and, given that your daughter is 21, as if you don't know her at all and, instead of trying to see her for who she is, you simply prefer to be angry with her for daring to do something that you find unacceptable. Granted, many people would not want to see their daughter make these choices. But I can tell you this from experience and from my elder sister's experience - it doesn't matter ONE OUNCE how intelligent you may be, if you have been dominated from the word "go" by your own mother, and not allowed to make your own choices, you will suffer from LOW SELF ESTEEM and will have little sense of self worth because you have not been allowed to develop and negotiate your own way of being in the world in healthy ways. If you have been subjected to a lot of parental ANGER, this will make the situation worse. You will then go about life making bad choices and you may - as in my case - finally understand, decades later, why this is not a good way to be. OR you may - as in my sister's case - become an alcoholic, drug addict, suffer mental illness and spiral down and down until finally you get the help you need - but it won't come easy because society and social health care simply isn't equipped to deal with it.
You will not get anywhere by being angry with your daughter. The only way you will get anywhere near helping her is to really, really listen to her at any opportunity you get and to not judge her, either directly or indirectly. Do not try to coerce or manipulate her. And look at your own problems and your own self before you jump to the conclusion that your life is to be emulated by her.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 January 2014):
 I got kids your age. I am no way Mother of the year. I have had many ups and downs with both my girls but one thing I learned is that you have to STEP RIGHT BACK and allow them to choose their path.
You can advise, you can mop up the blood and wipe the tears but you absolutely cannot threaten them to do what YOU want, even if you see them jumping off a cliff!!
Sure you are worried about your grandchild but it's NOT your child, it's hers and her partners and you have to provide more of a 'background fall back' role rather than trying to drive the bus.
She has made her choices, what you can see is only a tiny fraction of what she sees and maybe things will work out and maybe they wont.
You say you will turn your daughter into welfare? I dont even know what that means other than it sounds like a threat to get her to listen to you.
It's horrible to watch your kids make mistakes, we have all intervened at some point, I know I have tried, but my kids have given me definite signs that they are OK and quite prepared to roll with the punches!
Maybe if she will grow tired of living the hotel to hotel lifestyle when she has her own child, maybe she will see with her own eyes that her partner is a deadbeat, or maybe she won't. You just have to be there to catch the fall out!
Saying 'I told you so' will have her pushing against you and running away even more.
I sympathise, I have cried a lot over my own kids but they do mature and sometimes even learn from life's lessons. Both my kids know I am here for them and know I won't interfere and both of them have asked for my advice and support when they felt they needed it and I have given what I could.
My own mother was very interfering, always thinking her way was best(to the point of bullying) and it drove me mental. I did go into a bad marriage which ended in divorce but never have I ever said to myself 'I should have listened to my mother', in fact, I barely speak to her because I find her so over bearing!
I know it's hard and you feel like fighting her battles, but you can't. Just be there with the tea and the tissues and the loving hugs and words of comfort if she ever decides to come to you.
Good luck xxx
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