A
female
age
41-50,
*howstopper
writes:Hi! What if your partner stressing you to get married but you really aren't ready but if you tell your partner that your not ready she/he will threaten to take your child away from you and take you to court for child support but you know you can't really afford child support so you tell him/her that you will marry to get him/her off your back but doesn't mean it. Now its getting a little to late to back out .what would you do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (28 May 2008):
 So the child is yours, not his/hers. [I'm going to use the masculine pronouns here for your partner, for ease of typing, without prejudice meant.]
If I understand you correctly, he believes he has a right to half the house, and he basically said, "marry me or I'm leaving." Without his financial assistance you don't have the $$ to stand on your own, so you fear you will lose your child. Is this correct? Oh, and you're interested in someone else, which is why you don't want to marry.
On this understanding, I have to ask -- is any of this in writing? Is his name on the deed to the house? Did you sign anything when he started helping you financially, like loan docs? It seems to me that you don't owe him anything unless this is true (at least not anything he can take with him when he goes).
It doesn't sound like there's any love in this relationship, at least on your side. Can you live with that without feeling trapped? I don't think you'll be able to do it for long without resentment, which makes for a lousey marriage.
Can you find out what's pushing your partner to push now? If you say "so if I don't marry you right now I'll lose my child, is that what you're saying?" Maybe the cold stark response will cause them to think... Then again, maybe your partner really loves you but wants to be with someone who loves him back, which he deserves, and is trying to see whether that's you or if he needs to move on.
Can you sell the house and move to someplace cheaper to live? Can you keep the house but rent out rooms? What can you do to downgrade?
You also have to decide what kind of relationship you want to model to your child, too. What will they grow up thinking is "normal" and what kind of partner will this cause them to choose?
In the long run, anything you can do to live your life honestly will make you happier. And kids see things; you don't want to live a relationship "just for your child" because s/he'll notice the difference.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Showstopper +, writes (27 May 2008):
Showstopper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe person thats trying to get me to marry knows i don't have the money to pay child support, so he/she is trying to hang me into marrage. my child is 11 yeaars old. i have my own place. we were in and out of relationships for many years. we've help each other out on bills now she/he thinks half of the house is theirs. i don't have enough money to buy he/she out, thats why i might marry but i have some one else in my life that i love also. i don't know what to do, help me
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (27 May 2008):
Are you saying you NEVER want to marry, or just that you aren't ready now? How old is the child? Are you currently living together?
Whatever you do, DON'T marry just to avoid child support. It's postponing the problem; the relationship won't make it.
If you think you could get married some day, ask for a really long engagement to give yourself the time you need.
If you don't want to look into marriage at all, instead look into legal protection for the child, your mate and yourself. See a lawyer and draw up some fair documents. It will put off the marriage thing but show your partner that you ARE thinking about the future.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Where's the love in this? Looks to me like you're being drag into something against your will.If your partner threaten you in any way, that's not love to me. It's parenting. "Do this or else you don't have any dessert."It's normal to feel not ready about something. It's also normal, to me, that your love partner would understand such emotion.The way that I see it, if you say you're not ready your partner will think that you don't love him/her. But if you do something against your will, it's going to make you feel as if he/she doesn't love you.It's never too late.
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