A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'd want to thank in advance for any readers and answerers, sorry for the lengthy post. I really don't know what im asking for here. Maybe just for your opinion on my situation, or I just need people to hear me out. I don't really have anybody to talk to so I turn to this.4 years ago I fell in love with "the one." I was 21 and had one more year in university left. I was living with my aunt untill I was able to afford my own apartment. My boyfriend had his own place as well and he rented out 2 rooms to room mates (a male friend, and female friend.)We became very serious and committed. He would always bring up the "lets get married" talk. Of course I wanted to marry him, just waiting for him to finally say when. He wanted plenty of kids, and well to be honest I never had a family in mind, but a baby would complete our happy ending. We had been very careful about becoming pregnant, but if it were to happen, we were in very good shape to raise a child. About 7 months ago we decided it was time to move in together before we get married just to try it out. He was excited and so was I. I had just purchased my first home, and he would keep renting out his place to keep paying his mortgage.He still hadn't moved in but he would stay a couple nights. He was going to start packing. One morning I began to feel sick, yes I had those pregnant symptoms. I had been on birth control but things happen. I let him know I was feeling sick, but I didn't tell him I though I was pregnant.I go to the clinic and I hear the words "Congratulations! In 8 months u will be taking home a baby!" I was surprised at first but I felt this instinct, or a bond, a feeling mothers get I suppose. I couldn't help it I was happy. So im on my way to give him the good news, im calling him and texting him, but no answer. So I just show up at his place. As I arrived so was his friend, (we'll call him bob) so we entered the house together. As I was passing by the hallway on my way to his room, I hear whispers in his female roommates room (lets call her kim.) And I stand by the door to listen and all I could hear was "fuck! Change hurry!" Then my bf screams out, "Bob! Is that u?" and I look at him and he says "yea its just me." And he says "Oh thank god" like what a relief. So Im waiting by the door for them to come out, and im waiting till I hear the bed moving, hitting the wall (sorry), they continued to keep on f***ing. I couldn't believe it. So I just slammed the door wide open, how smart, they didn't even lock the door. And there they were, trying to cover up like if there was anything left to cover up. Nothing could come out of my mouth at this moment but im sure they could hear what I was thinking. I left the room after staring them down, and I went to his room and locked myself in for a good hour. I didn't really know what to feel, I had all these emotions running through me. All I wanted to do was tear them apart to pieces and step all over them, just how my heart felt. As I finally came out the room there he was sitting on the floor waiting for me to come out yet nothing to say to me. I left but once I passed by her room I gave her a good slap and called her a whore, I know very childish of me. And I left, he chased me but I didn't want to deal with it at the time.The next day I didn't get a call or anything of a sign showing he was sorry. So I let a week pass by, and then it turned into a month, and nothing. When I finally decided I was going to tell him I was pregnant and willing to forgive him I was 3months, and I saw the most hurtful image. As I was getting to his house I see him and her getting off his car, and she's pulling out some ultrasound pictures out of a yellow envelope, she was pregnant to. But I think she was farther along, as her tummy was already showing and mine wasn't. He looked so happy, he was hugging her and kissing her, rubbing her belly, and they went inside. They didn't see me. All I could feel was this pain in me, I can't real explain, but I could still feel it time to time. That's what we were suppose to look like, I was the one that was suppose to be sharing this massive joy with him. It was suppose to be and not her. I don't remeber ever going back.I never regret none of this, I did it for love and so much more and nothing less. The only thing I do regret was how an abortion ever crossed my mind, as I sat at an abortion clincic for 2hours, but I left. And now I feel this guilt, but I did the right thing. So many times I have tried telling him, but I could do this on my own. Im financially stabled, I have a home, my dream job, a life. My babygirl is going to have it all, yea im having a babygirl. I think that kim needs him more than I do, she doesn't have a job, but she has her parents, her brothers, her sisters, she has her family. And I, all I have is my unborn child to keep me company these dark lonely nights, and she's all I need. My parents live days away from me, and they promised to come out in october. And with the luck that I have, im an only child. My parents were lucky enough to have me, they had problems getting pregnant. I have wanted to just leave everything and go back to Nebraska with them, but when I was 15 I ran away from there, there's no life. And I stayed with my aunt here in california, I wouldn't want my child to runaway as well. If I were to go back, I would leave my life behind, so I have to stay for her. Im 25 years old, 6 months pregnant, and I can't wait for her to be here, to protect her and keep her warm. I just know once she's here I won't feel depressed any longer, she'll fill up my home with warmth and joy. I seen kim at the clinic the other day, as I was leaving the parking lot, I think she's due anytime soon if she hasn't already given birth. But I just don't know if I should tell him or not, what if he neglects my baby, I would just rather keep a good image of him for my daughter. I don't know if what im doing is the right thing, and I know he has the right to know, but what good will it do if he finds out, if he's not going to be a father for her, I don't need his financial help neither. All I ask for is anybody whose been in some kind of situation related to mine, please give me advice, or just an opinion. Maybe I need someone to just tell me everything is going to be ok. Idk, anything helps.Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. Sorry, havent been on here. I've been quite busy with everything that has to do with the baby. I finally chose a name and I decided to go with the name "Hanna." What do you guys think?
Well for the update, I've been good. My parents are coming this Sunday, and I am getting a bit bigger.
As for kim, she hasn't changed her mind about trying to work things out with "him." He has been doing really good, and visiting most of the time. I feel much more calm now and I could sleep better at night. I still do love him, and he is trying his best to work thing out between all of us.
Things have to work out somehow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Hi babes, Psycookie is right, your writing is beautifull, it's wonderfull to read your words, and it touches deep into the heart. Just a quick note to say I'm thinking about you and the little girl. I'm thinking about Kim and her baby as well. I'm also thinking about your guy. All so difficult, all so sad, so hurtfull and all of this could have easily been avoided, but what is done is done. When you start picking baby names, pick carefully and pick well. I believe (for some strange reason) that names have power and they can affect someone in life. I've got a boy's name in real life, and it has affected the way I'm treated and the way I think. Please give her a girls name, something beautiful and princess like. I've always wanted to have a girls name, and I think it would be nice for her to have one too. It's nice if her name had meaning, my name means Gracious, which is a joke, because I am clumsy as hell.. lol
I'm no good at naming things. Maybe you could write down your favourite ones and put them all in a hat and just pick one at random. Anway pick wisely, because she will carry her name through life. Ask your guy if he has any ideas, he should be included in things you do for your daughter. Ask him his opinion and then ignore it and choose your own. He will feel included, but it's your body, and your decisions that matter at the end of the day.. lol....
Have fun, name picking should be important and fun. Remember that names can also be misused, feel sorry for the guys named something like Mike Hunt, Bill Ding or Jack Pott... lol
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I'm so glad that my opinion made you feel so much better.
But I strongly feel what I wrote before. I do believe that what you wrote was beautiful (in the most non-offensive way, I just didn't know a better way to describe what you wrote).
I can really count how many times I've cried while reading a book, and I do not regret shedding a tear with yours. And although you experience may have had lead you to make people see you have a great gift, I wish that this had never really happened to you as it's just such a horrible experince. I guess some things happen for a reason.
So, if you decide to write something and gets published, please either send me a message or write it here describing the name of the book and your name, and I'll go to the bookstore and buy it.
I'm awaiting a story from you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPsyCookie, what u have said to me, is by far the most kindest compliment that has been given to me. Im sorry for bringing tears to your eyes, my intentions only were to seek for help. Yet, I have found so much more than that. I fix teeth for a living, and never have I managed to write so much. Maybe one needs to experience to be able to write such a story.
I do feel I put my emotions in my post, only because I had nowhere else, or no one else to whom share what I am feeling, so why not share it with the world, there's better chances of getting better advice, than to go to someone you know and has no idea on what to say or how to help you.
I know that it was off topic, but you really helped me put other things on my mind, rather than just thinking about all my problems for once. Thank you.
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (27 August 2008):
Basically, DiovanLestat wrote everyhing I would have said.
But I want something else that was also going through my mind while I was reading your whole story. Dear poster, you have a great gift for writting. Yes, some people who come here write very emmotional posts about their problems, but I have yet so far been touched by what you have written to us.
What you write touched my soul literally. And the souls of everyone who read here. So I don't know if you would want it, but I think it would be a lovely idea if you wrote stories or a book. I'm just telling you, you connect with people and people connect you and in all my years of reading I have rarely shed a tear for someone's problem like yours. If you do decide to ever start writting something, I would be one of the first people to buy the book from you. No matter the price.
Sorry if what I wrote is relevant, but I just wanted to tell it to you. I wish you happiness in your life, and please, please, try to keep your head on your shoulders.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Hello babes, you could have knocked me down with a feather, I couldn't believe what I was reading yesterday. I was glad that you updated, and I was happy that you had the courage to talk to him. But the more I read, the more surprised I got. I could feel your shock and your pain, I could feel your confusion. I found it difficult to finish reading, by the time I finished I found myself crying. Not very good agony aunt am I. I read your update and was lost for words and in tears...
Wow.. well it makes things harder, but in a way it's also better. So he's sorry, and Kim is now suffering. That is Justice, but it still dosen't make me happy, because she now is sad and she's still pregnant.. What a mix up. I'm starting to feel sorry for him.
You've told us the facts. What do you want at the moment. What are you thinking. Is forgiveness and taking him back an option, and if you did would it be for the baby or for yourself. What do we do with Kim and the baby. If you two get together, he will still have two children to provide for. Will she go away, or will she make your life hell. It's probably not the right time for this kind of stuff... Ah heck forget it, you've still got tons of time...
He wants to help out, he acknowledges his baby daughter and he wants to be a father to her. He wants to support you and help you all he can. Well that is good, that is what a good father should do. Take some time and put him to work. Gardening, painting and let him do as much as he wants to do. He's sorry and he wants to make it up to you. Well let him do some work, it won't hurt and you will always remember to tell your baby that her father loved her and tried to make things comfortable for her.... As to you and him, well lets see, time will tell. But enjoy your time and enjoy your pregnancy, all that matters is you and your baby girl. Nothing has really changed, you've just got more support and a eager father for your baby girl. No problem, but I know your heart is hurting. Life is long, you and him have time, your both very young and it's early days.
Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy whatever support that he can provide. He actually seems to be one of those rare guys who dose want children and dose want to help. The other stuff can wait for tomorrow, you need to plan what your gonna do to go through your pregnancy, happy, healthy and calm, untill your little girl arrives in the world.
Take care of you babes. I'm glad you like this website, and I'm glad you came back, because I'm thinking about you and I want you to know you have friends who care about you and won't run off and leave you, no matter what happens. Take care of you, and take care of the baby girl... Blessings...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): When I first read your posting and then al the updates, I was lost for words. What a story! You have been through so much. I unfortunately have been very tied up and also believe it is better you deal with one or two uncles or aunts (you really get to know and trust); I have forwarded my opinion to one of the aunts; I wish you all the best for the future!
Hope it will have a happy ending!
My prayers and thoughts are with you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI aprreciate all of the advice, and will take it into consideration. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for helping me out simply by just hearing me out.
I couldn't bottle up anymore feelings and emotions.
Thank you!
As to how it went when I told him the truth, well he took it by surprise, and couldn't say a word. All I did was give him all the details and waited for him to ask me any questions. Luckily he did believe me and he has no intentions to deny his responsibilties.
I will keep updating on the situation later on. I could still use some advice though =). I love this website!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hey, just read your update and i'm glad everything worked out o.k and and as far as you figuring out what to do now aside from the whole cheating thing, he seems like a decent guy, maybe you too should consider counceling together, I think under the right circumstances you too could work out after all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Hi Sweetheart
Wow what a story, You have done amazingly well hun. Ive had three children and raised them mostly alone apart from help from nanny and pa pa..My daughter was born in a bad relationship my husband was very violent I went into prem labour at 7mths through shock and lucky for all she was ok and managed to stay put for a few more weeks..Bide your time with your ex and see how you feel, I no you love him love and he is making an effort now. He really should have thought about your feelings in the first place but you have a good head on your shoulders so Ive a feeling you will be just fine..I cant tell you the name of my little girl over this post but she was and is my breath of fresh air as she saved my life. If you wish to no I will tell you in private hunny..Im still having to protect us as a family. I wish you all the luck and love in the world you are one strong young woman TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Damn... you've brought tears to my eyes again.... Damn..Damn... Damn....
You did really good babes... Damn, Damn, Damn, my eyes are watering. I'm going to sleep, I'll get back in touch with you tomorrow. Don't worry, you've got plenty of time, there's no hurry. You did really good for yourself and your baby.... I'll write to you tomorrow.... Big hugs for to you and your little baby....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): hey just read your question glad you decided to tell him and wish you the best of luck but i'm curious how did it go when you told him? Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. Thanx for reading. I want to update on how it went, I'll make it as short as possible because there's just to much to say, and I'll go on and on about it, im leaving out so much details, I should mention that every question I had about kim has been answered. here it goes.. Also I need ur help again!
Confessing this to him was very hard, but very helpful. He came over without a warning, so it was a surprise. I was expecting him in the afternoon but he came in the morning. While I was in the kitchen hiding my belly behind the counter, my cousin who is staying with me for the moment, she let him in and had him sit on one of the stools in the kitchen.
He started talking first, and the words that I didn't want to hear came out, he started apologizing about how sorry he was for never giving me any explanations, but that his explanations would only hurt me more. That he rather have me forget about him than live with the fact he was expecting from another women.
I kept on eating my mango, as this is what I crave 99% of the time. Then he asked me what was it I needed to tell him that was so important, as I walked out the kitchen and took off my robe, (I was still in my pjs,) and revealed to him the importance of him coming over, followed by the words "Im pregnant." I told him I was 6 months, its a girl, its his, and that if he didn't believe me, I would assure him with a dna test. I felt really strong I must say, something took over me and just made it easy for me to let it all out. I was ready for the confrontation.
I let him know about the day I found I was pregnant, and how it was that I didn't get the chance to surprise him with the news, cause well, he surprised me first. He believed me and was honest to me the whole time.
He told me that kim always worries that I would come back, or that we see each other secretly, so she's become very paranoid and jealouse. Im guessing she thinks that he's doing to her what they did to me. He also told me that she has been staying at her parents house because she decided to take a break, due to the arguing they have.
Then he asked me why I kept it from him so long, I told him that everytime I tried to tell him, something always made it more complicated. I told him I knew she was pregnant and that I saw them very happy.
He told me if I were to give him a second chance he wouldn't think about it twice. I know im stupid and silly for saying this, but I couldn't resist the thought of actually being together and being a family, but what can I do, im just another victim of a cheating crime.
So that was saturday, and that same night he called me, telling me he how he went over to visit kim told her everything, she threw a fit. She's crazy mad.
He told her that his decision was to not get back with her, not because he wants to try things with me, but because there's no point in being together because he doesn't love her and she knew that since the begining. He stayed with her for a while till she was calm and undertood the situation, and made her realise it was the best thing for both of them to do.
He came over this morning and moed my lawn, he said he wanted to help me do things around the house that I shoudnt be doing. So he decided to help me paint the baby's room. I guess he's trying his best to be a part of me, and now I can't push him away.
I am happy because I dont worry about the what ifs and the what nots. But im just confused, don't know if I should try things out, or not at all, but I love him. I know its to soon for me to make up my mind, but now that I confessed him the truth, it has given me something new to think about. Help!!
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reader, PsyCookie +, writes (22 August 2008):
Thanks for the update! I wish you incredible good luck tomorrow.
One thing I want to suggest you, though, is to have someone else in the house with you when the guy comes to your house. It will be preferably be your mother. The reason is that you will probably need emotional support after the ordeal or you will need someone to tell you to not fall for him again. Who better than your mom?
I really don't blame you for still loving him. He's the father of your child after all and you were with him for such a long time. You can't stop loving someone so fast even when they have done to you something so horrible. You're such a pure soul; I praise you.
But good luck tomorrow. I hope that the two of you come into an understanding and more harmony comes between the two of you. I know it's kind of hard to ask, but try to think with your head when around him. You know falling for him is not good, so resist it.
Ps: I've always loved the names Danielle and Dante for baby names. But dunno you if you want to borrow them! What you could do is look more on the internet for baby names. But here's a quick help:
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/popular/0/United+States/2004
http://pregnancychildbirth.suite101.com/article.cfm/unusual_baby_names_for_girls
http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/babynames/baby-girl-names
http://baby-names.adoption.com/
Hope those links help! And when you decide for the name of your baby, please tell us here! I would be excited to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, im back on here and I really like this website. Im going to make my own account soon but it hasn't let me so I've been logged on my cousins account, which she is totally fine with. Ok well for the update, im very anxious at the moment because im scared for what will happen tomorrow. I called him and asked him to come by tomorrow afternoon. I told him I had something very important to tell him and to show him. He wasn't to sure about coming over and I don't want to make a big deal over at his house. But he agreed and he said that he has a lot to tell me as well. Im scared as of what to expect and or what to say, I don't want to fall back into his arms or none of that, but I can't deny that after all these months I still love him so deeply. Oh and also, I haven't put much thought into names. Any suggestions would be nice. I've read some babyname books, but they're all so common.
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (21 August 2008):
Original poster:
I'm so glad that our answers have made you feel so much better. That actually puts a smile on my face. I hope that better things will come in the future for you.
I wish you the best of the world for you and your baby girl. I bet she will be such a beautiful thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Redneckbabe,
Thank you for sharing this information. I have been warned about the "baby blues" early on my pregnancy due to weight loss. I Lost 11 pounds but I have regained them plus 7 more. I don't look like what a 6 month pregnant women is supposed to look like but my doc said its normal and im healthy.
but yes my parents will be coming down here before im due to help me out a bit incase of any complications.
You also had a girl, how adorable. Im sure she's beautiful, and u have raised her on ur own as well. Wow I admire u for being much younger than me and very strong about it. If I have any questions, I'll for sure keep u in mind. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question=) You both put a large smile on my face, perhaps permanent for the rest of the week. I will take ur advice and print this out, print out my story of life. This is excatly what I was looking for, and I found it!
Ur sweet words really help me feel good about myself. I know I should tell him, and I've tried many times, and I can't deny my baby her father just because we didn't work out, so I've taken the advice and Im going to tell him everything, and if his reaction is nothing but negative, I don't care anymore because im already determined to do this on my own. As for kim, ur right she has to figure it out too, she came in between, and now she has to deal with the whole package. I am to much of a kind person, but only because I know that holding grudges means going to sleep with ur upsetting pride.
Your reply has given me courage, and strength to go through this. I want to thank u so much for reading, and how truely sweet people there's on this site. I haven't been told such beautiful words since I last spoke to my mom. So thank you once again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Hello Madam, your story wasn't too long, it was beautifull, it really touched my heart. I'm glad you took the time to write to us, you need to find a way to print it out and give it to your baby when she is old enough to understand. She's gonna be one lucky girl, she is so very, very lucky to have you as a mum. Don't ever feel ashamed of anything, you have done nothing wrong. You are giving her life, and I know right at the moment you are keeping her healthy and safe in your body, even though things are very hard for you.
Big, big hugs lady. You should be very proud of yourself, I know your parents are. You have been treated very badly, by an immature, messed up jerk. Not your fault, you were lied too, and yet you hold little anger towards him or her (kim). Damn you are so strong and so brave, and everything will work out beautifully for you, because you are a very beautifull person and he made a mistake when he let you go. It won't be long before your baby girl is here, and it won't be long before some new guy begs you to give him a chance at learning to love and trust again.
About the baby and her future. She deserves to know her father, so he has to know that you are going to have a baby. If he wants to be in her life, if he wants to become a proper dad, then you need to open that door, you have to let him know, it's the right thing to do. Also I'm sorry for Kim, but she will have to make her own arrangements with him. You need to think about your beautifull baby girl, she deserves the very best in the world. I know it's strange for you, and you usually survive and take care of yourself, but she deserves some money from him, so please think carefully about forcing him to pay some support to her. You don't have to use it, you can put it in the bank and let it build up and give it to her one day. By doing everything, your letting him off the hook, your covering up his mistake, but your daughter deserves the truth, she deserves to know that she is loved by you, loved enough to fight with her father to give her the very world.
I know you want to do this your way, and I totally understand. But I'm thinking about what's fair for you, what's fair for her. I want you both to get what you deserve, you owe him, you owe his woman, nothing, nothing at all, not even your kindness, because they were not kind to you.
Tell him your pregnant, and tell him you will get a DNA test after your daughter is born, so if he rejects her, he will be definately make the choice to reject his own flesh and blood. Tell him you don't want anything, except some contact for your daughter, and some small financial support to show that she is as special as his other child. If he dosen't do this voluntarily, well you tried to be nice, but go ahead and put in for the child support anyway. I want you and her to have the best, if he can't afford it, well he better get another job, because you didn't get pregnant alone. Single parenthood is hard, and you never know, he might be one of those rare guys that actually likes having children and he might want to play a part in her life, can you really deny your daughter that.
Again, I'm sorry that things have gone so wrong for you, and you have been betrayed. But he is the looser here not you, thank you for telling us your story. Blessings and take care of you and her... :)
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (21 August 2008):
I want to tell you that I feel so deeply for you. And also that I'm deeply sorry that I'm not able to help you get through this. I have no idea how I could help you.
While I was reading everything you wrote, I kept feeling this pain, and I still do now. It's a pain I have bore before, but not like this. I'm so sorry that such a nice lady like you has to bear things like this in her life when you probably never deserved it. But hell, life is such a bitch.
What I'm goin to say, though, is that in my heart I know you'll be a great mom, which almost makes me want to tell you that you shouldn't tell this guy anything about the baby. He doesn't deserve the share of this joy you wil bring in a few months. He doesn't, not after all what he has done. But this will be your decision alone.
I also want to tell you that you have showed far more maturity than most of us would not show. I'm a very forgiving person, but I think it would take me a great deal of time to forget what your boyfriend has done to you. You forgiving him like this... just takes so much more.
Now, I just wish you the best of everything to you and your future baby girl. May the two of you share countless of happy moments in your lives to always remember. You two deserve happiness.
Also, Karma pays a hefty fine to those who do bad and good. Hopefully, it will not be reflected on his child (it's just an innocent being).
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