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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfiend split up with his ex when she left the country for her career, about 4 years ago. Him and I have now been together for over two and a half years. All is going brilliantly. Recently I found out that she was paralysed in a horrible accident and may never walk again. He doesn't know this. Do I tell him or will it just cause huge problems for us both and bring back unwanted memories for him? Help me please!
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reader, pops +, writes (24 October 2005):
One of the easiest things I learned to do that got rid of any jealousy by me, or by my wife over past girlfriends or boyfriends, and current looking at good looking people was an agreement we reached to tell each other everything, and to make sure that if we saw a "beautiful person" when we were with each other, and we knew that the other had missed seeing the person, we would poke him/her in the ribs and draw his attention to the person. MY wife pointed out beautiful girls to me all the time, and I was always on the lookout for Hunks that appealed to her. We would talk about them, usually saying things that might not be appropriate to write on this site! We laughed, and made fun of each other's likes and leers, and compared ourselves and our sexual performances to what we might imagine was what it would be like to be in bed with the person we were noticing. We had fun, and made our natural interest in the opposite sex not something to be ashamed of, or to hide from each other, but rather fun, and something to share and laugh about. Bingo! No jealousy. I have yet to read or hear of an easier or better way for any couple to deal with that issue. Try it. I think it can work for everyone.Tell your bf about what you have heard. Don't assume that he still carries a torch for her. He is with you, after all. Ask to go with him to see her, so you can also express you condonences to her and her family. It is often very educational to meet someone your bf has dated before you, as who you meet in person is often much different than the person you have heard about from him, and vice versa. Such an effort will be appreciated by your bf, and he will know that you trust his love in you not to be jealous of this past girlfriend. If he wants to know why you want to meet an ex of his, tell him the truth. I hope it is because you are interested in meeting a woman who obviously made him very happy for a time before the two of you met.
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reader, Ellen +, writes (23 October 2005):
its tempting to take the path of least resistance, however will you have respect for yourself if you dont tell. just imagine for one minute how deathly alone and scared maybe even hopeless this other girl feels right now. really think about it. then you will know your answer.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (23 October 2005):
 I think he has a right to know. This is someone he cares about and he may want to be there for her at the awful time. How would you feel if you didn't know someone you cared about was hurt and he'd kept it from you? Not very nice, I'm sure.
I know this may seem weird for you, his ex back on the scene and him talking about her/to her but she sounds like she's in a really bad way and I think you need to forget about how this will affect you and think about the poor girl involved and the man who will want to be there for her. Good luck and I hope you do the right thing.
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