A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi so I'm 17 and I'll be 18 this following year. Whilst I've had "situations" or issues with guys I've never had a boyfriend and never had sex. There was a time where I was close to sleeping with a guy I did not even want to be my boyfriend, but my sense of decency kicked in, and whilst he satisfied some of my 'needs' at that moment, I was left feeling unsatisfied and wanting. I've sort of been stuck between a rock and a hard place ever since, because I don't want to lose my virginity to a f***boy who is only after a "hit it and quit it" type of thing, bI am a boyfriendless virgin. I'm starting to think maybe it's me who just wants a "hit it and quit it" type thing. I can't go so much as an hour without thinking about sex and about exploring *some* of my sexual fantasies. Not to mention whenever I'm physically attracted to a guy and say we're friends or something, my mind goes back to that place and I can't stop it. My guy friend (who I am somewhat attracted to - but not enough to ruin our friendship) hugged me goodbye the other day (nothing out of the ordinary) and I swear that was enough to make me tingle. There are multiple reasons why I would never actually go there but my mind still does. Even when my guy friend (a different one), who I happen to have stronger than friendship feelings for at the minute, flirts with me (and I flirt back - it's kind of our thing)and starts being sexual, I can barely contain myself he just turns me on massively. Come to think of it I don't know if I'd use the word friend, we were but it's slowly escalated to where we are now, wherever that is. I suppose my question is, is sex that big of a deal? I was born a Christian but whilst I don't hold the strict belief of no sex before marriage, I've always believed that I should wait until I met someone important who loves me and I love him. Now I'm starting to think that love doesn't necessarily matter - a poorly related example would be P**n stars. They have great sex (or appear to) without the love. I feel as if, I would probably be greater emotionally 'scarred' after my first time if it was with someone I cared about who then broke my heart. If that makes sense. Like the f***boy from my past, I had no feelings for him beyond lust, which is probably why I'm not scarred by the experience, I mean I'll probably never forget it but I don't regret it either. It was a learning curve if anything. Where as my guy 'friend' who I see as more and he probably does too, I can already see him hurting me, not intentionally, but still hurting me because it's not just lust anymore, I've started to love him. Love scares me way more than sex does and I'm starting to think the two don't have to be linked. If I'm attracted to someone, why not just go for it and have sex with him? Most people my age seem to be living by that logic. I've been told so so many times that I'm wise beyond me year's, I'm more mature, I've always made mature decisions and acted maturely, yet here I am a boyfriendless virgin.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2017):
 Keep being mature and hold out for someone special. You are still quite young so I don't see the big rush. I understand that your hormones are probably driving you crazy and it is natural to want to explore. But love and sex are closely connected. You may pick some random person to have sex with, but sex does bring out feelings, and you may very well still feel hurt afterwards and used. Which really are horrible feelings for your first time. I think most people are scared off love, but with love sex is so much more better, more meaningful and more passion.
You look at porn stars, they are not having good sex, talk to any porn star and they will tell you the whole ordeal is stressful and hard work. Use the head on your shoulders and wait for someone who you like and someone who is going to respect you.
A
male
reader, DonkeyKong +, writes (31 December 2016):
It is a western fallacy that being a Virgin is something to be ashamed of. This is what perverts and porn promoters want you to think.
Mary mother of God apparently was a Virgin so think of that.
As soon as you lose it you will always remember it, good or bad. Just make sure it's with the right man at the right time, for the right reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016): Who is 'f-boy' from the past and what happened that should scar you?You are trying to compartmentalize your emotions from your body.The truth is that it will hurt your feelings if he uses you for sex on a one night standand dumps you by morning.Dont look down on yourself for not putting out.It is a smart move to wait until you meet someone you love and trust enough and whom you are in a relationship with.You can go tingly from an electric shock as well!It doesnt mean you need it.Afterall you are a person and you dont want a quickie and droppy just to say you are a non-virgin because you can do way better than that.Porn stars are acting. Yes they are doing it but all that panting and screaming is for the camera to try to engage the viewer and keep their attention so they wont head out for chips halfway through.You can do better than porn. Unless you want to sell sex later in life or immediately.Just wait until it all seems a logical progression with someone who shows commitment to you and do all that handholding stuff first as its a good connector.Remember true beauty lies within and not in how much you put out.Remember you are worth it! And expect your first serious boyfriend to want to do more than just have sex.You need to be happy to spend quite a bit of time in each others company without feeling bored or irritated and he has to be prepared to jump bridges for you.Might be a good idea to cool down on the idea of being a sexual vessel and see yourself in other ways as well eg other things you enjoy doing.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 December 2016):
 Sweetheart, stick to your guns and don't drop your standards, just to have sex. Trust me, you will regret it in the future if you do.Yes, love CAN hurt. A lot. But it is worth it. Trust me, if you just go for a f***, you will feel so empty afterwards and you will regret not waiting for someone special.At your age it is not at all unusual to think about sex a lot. Your hormones are raging and you will probably never be as easily turned on as you are at this age. Don't take that to mean that you have to rush out and lose your virginity to someone who will not value it. I was 20 (nearly 21) before I lost my virginity. A combination of reasons for this: brought up Catholic so terrified of getting pregnant (didn't really give a hoot about the "no sex outside marriage" thing, just getting caught out) and not meeting anyone who I wanted to share such intimacy with being top of the list. To this day I do not regret, for one second, waiting for the relationship in which this happened. It was very special. Many boyfriends later, I still look back and think "Thank goodness I waited and did it with someone who cared for me". No, the relationship didn't last but, for a while, it was wonderful and sex was part of it. My advice, therefore, is to wait until you meet someone special so that your first time will not be something you look back on with regret.
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