A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is very long but there is no way to shorten it.I have been in this relationship with my GF for 3 1/2 years now. She has both a daughter (8yrs) and a son(11yrs). My relationship with the daughter couldn't be better.It's the step son. His behaviour is dangerous and disgusting and I'm at the end of my tether. He wipes feces on other people things, vandalises the house and it's contents. If he gets the chance he starts fires in his bedroom. This is just a small amount of the terrible things he has done. He almost killed his mother amd I once by mucking around with the gas cooker!He was physically abused by his sister's father and his biological father abandoned him twice, I'm left with the mess. I'm sure their treatment of him has created these problems.I have tried and continue to try doing my job as a good step father but I feel like I can't face the coming years. Social services are involved but there is a waiting list. I'm on meds to calm me down with all this. I got reported to the NSPCC by a family member for shouting at him. For shouting at a boy who REPEATEDLY wipes his feces on other peoples stuff, steals from friends and family and who breaks everything and punches his sister. What parent wouldn't shout!?I dicipline him with games console bans, chores, early nights and for the very worst a smack at the back of the legs. I have tried every approach and he responds to nothing. I make sure he knows there's no favouritism between his sister and him, I try to take and interest in what he does, I praise him when he's good and give him rewards, I attend all his school plays and parents evenings but it all gets thrown back in my face.All of the above happens every 2 days. I've taken safe guards to prevent certain things but it's impossible to stop it all.Part of me wants to leave but if I do that I lose the love of my life and my step daughter.My GF is afraid to give a dicipline most of the time and I'm critisised by a lot of his family, but those idiots don't have to live with this day by day. I feel like I'm on my own against all this. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 this is your life being ruined by a boy who doesn't know any better. your support is minimal. there is one certainty and that is as long as you continue in this relationship this boy will make you miserable and play havoc with your life on some level. wow, you may be able to get therapy or drugs to help with the behavioural issues but it will always carry on at some level. I may be wrong but it is most likely. I couldn't cope. i've had a difficult child for 17 years and I am burnt out and don't want it anymore. don't waste too many years if that is what it turns out to be. make a judgement. if the childs mother is supportive and working on the issues then that may be a reason to persevere. help is available through the government agencies and medical system, but don't expect miracles. these problems are not easy to make go away.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 This is a tough situation to be in, especially for someone who is not the biological parent of the boy.
Here are some suggestions:
1) This boy does need help. From the previous abuse in his life, or perhaps because of mental illness, he needs professional help. If you girlfriend has health insurance, it is probably time for him to be evaluated by a professional. I suspect there is a lot of internal rage, attention needing, as was as jealousy in seeing his mother with a man who is not his father.
2) You MUST never hit him - even spankings and even if he deserves it. He isn't your kid and it will be very easy for him to claim abuse. This will only lead to serious legal trouble for you.
3) If your girlfriend doesn't have the ability to deal with the problem, my guess is she will NEVER have the ability to deal with it. Whether she is a lackadaisical parent, weak in dealing with conflict, or is in denial; her parenting skills are unlikely to change. This is a HUGE red flag as you and her will conflict greatly if you decide to have children of her own. Make sure you realize this and can accept it.
4) Also, be sure that this boy is shown some sort of love. I know it is hard, but sometimes these acts of violence are a cry for help. If everyone treats him like the black sheep, he'll usually live up to that role. Its okay to be mad / punish him when he has done wrong, but be sure you reward and reinforce positive behavior and try to form a bond through sports, games, or other activities. Sometimes exercising together can be a nice bond -- even a simple hike or jog will work wonders.
There are no easy answers for your predictament and you have my sympathy.
Sadly, the boy comes as a package deal with your girlfriend; take it or leave it. It sounds like this boy is affecting your health and mental sanity. You may want to consider that it might be time to take a break from one another -- if you are living together. You can still date and see one another, but for your well-being, perhaps it is best to distance yourself a bit from the situation. Also, you may find his negative behavior lessened if you aren't in the immediate picture as some of his hostilities may be directed at you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 August 2011):
 If you are concerned about your step son being labeled then banish such thoughts immediately. This is a medical emergency and so very very sad.
Any part of our bodies can get sick. Our Heart. Our lungs. Our kidneys. Our knees. and Yes, our BRAIN. It is not contagious. And it can be treated.
Your step son sounds like a seriously unhappy, emotionally wounded and disturbed violent boy.
The very least he deserves immediately is quality psychiatric care.
And yes I know you have him on the NHS waiting list. But you need some support now.
Your step son sounds disturbed and distressed and probably depresssed as well.
Perhaps the NHS have no idea of how bad the problem is? Have you been worried to tell them the extent of the problem? Next time do not hold back.
Based on your own account of this horrific situation your step son is rebellious. He destroys possessions and property. He tries to start fires. He steals. He almost killed his own mother. And he has some disturbed habits, the like of which one only usually hears about occurring in a Men's jail in the area set aside for very disturbed criminal inmates. And you surely do not want that outcome.
Your stepson is a child. A child in need of protection from himself.
Such a consistently disturbed child may even, sadly, derive pleasure from hurting others.
And worse still your step son has a mother who is so at the end of her tether that she is no longer setting boundaries and being a parent to him. Her inattention would not have gone un-noticed. He may even think it means his mother does not love him, when this is not the case.
An emotionally absent parent (who is physically present)does not help calm the situation. It is unacceptable. But is also understandable in the circumstances.
Although it is not your intention, your stepson may be feeling cut adrift. People around him are scared and hyper-vigilant in his presence. Even though clearly you both do care otherwise you would not be reaching out for help as you are.
The very best thing for him now would be an immediate assessment of his disturbed behavior. This may mean a seven day stay in a secure facility where he can be assessed by medical staff.
If your step sons behaviour is not addressed now then it is likely it will be assessed later, when he is old enough for a men's jail. This is likely to make him even more difficult to handle.
Makes some noise to get him the help he so desperately needs now.
You also need to start planning occasional respite periods where he can be admitted to a secure facility while you and your family enjoy some well deserved peace and calm.
The following URL may help: http://www.mentalhealthcare.org.uk/what_you_can_expect_from_the_nhs
Don't hold back when you detail this atrocious behavior Keep a daily diary. Show it to the NHS officials who can make a difference. Unobtrusivey video some of the worst examples of your step son's behavior. Show that to the NHS too. Install additional fire alarms for the safety of the family. You and your family should not have to live in fear like this, ever vigilant.
But do not spend another night talking about when is he going to improve. Take your evidence of his appalling frightening behavior along and ask for an urgent meeting with your local NHS service. If that does not work then write to your member of Parliament. They need to know how their polices (this applies to all countries in the world by the way) continue to reduce the number of available Mental Health beds while increasingly families have to shoulder the intolderable problem of trying to care for a disturbed family member. even in Hospital they use three shifts of people daily.
No wonder families "burn out" while the child with "issues" gets progressively worse, if the families cares more about not stepping on any toes. Get help now. And do not be bothered what they neighbors think nor whose toes you step on.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2011):
 There is no maybe about it, he definitely needs to get in therapy ASAP. The kid sounds totally out of control. Do him a favor as well as the rest of you and see that he get in treatment.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (29 August 2011):
 it sounds like he might have o.d.d.-http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx73.htm . my son, who was abused for years, suffers from this. he used to be way out of control for years but since iv started standing up to him consistantly and setting strict boundries hes gotten alot more manageable.fyi i have a friend whos son was worse than yours-stealing cars and stuff at 12, destroying stuff, beating the crap out of his mom, etc...she used tough love, http://www.parenting-child-development.com/tough-love-parenting.html, and now omg hes a great kid! iv laid it on the line w/my son--i told him if he ever hits me or breaks anything in anger again im calling the police...he hasnt hit me or broken anything in months.the most important thing is to stay consistant and united...the mom needs to step up! ignore what family, friends and strangers tell you cause they dont live with all the anger and abuse that you guys do. iv had child protective services called on me tons of times and they come over and laugh cause imma great mom...dont be afraid to stand up to your kids!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): In all honesty you are getting no support whatsoever from your girlfriend as she continues to let her sondominate the household and refuses to stand up for you when the family attack you.
Reporting you to to nspcc is unforgivable, and to furthermore verbally attack you when your trying to help this boy is blaitantly throwing it back in your face.
I feel you have done all you can for this boy, but if his own mother won't back you up and get him to show you some respect then what hope do you have?
I personally would leave this to his mother now and walk away, you can still be a part of of the daughters life but for your own sake leave this family. They are showing you no respect whatsoever and this boy is beyond help from you.
Your girlfriend will then be forced to acknowledge that her son is a problem and she will have no choice but to take action. While you there though all you are doing is taking the enphasis off her and her son and shouldering all the responsability yourself. Why should you live like his?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I'm not a parent, but maybe he needs therapy. For all we know, he could have asbergers or something like that.
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