A
female
age
36-40,
*hines_like_diamonds
writes:Hi there. Kinda a long story so please bear with me. I was engaged to my Fiancé "M" for almost a year. We have been dating for 3 years and living together almost that long as we dated a long time ago. He is 27 and I am 25. Him and I had many many things wrong with our relationship. He lied a lot about small things and this obviously caused a lot of trust issues and insecurities on my end. The reason now why I think he lied all the time is to avoid arguments and upsets. He smoked a lot of weed and knows I dont really like it so that would be something he lied about. Also, he cheated on his ex gf so that was always on the back of my mind. I asked once if he would do a lie detector test to prove he hasnt done it to me and he did one and passed. I know he loves me deeply, when we weren't fighting we were so happy together and he truly is the man I want to marry. We both have a lot in common and I dont ever see myself being with anyone but him. The thought makes me wanna be sick. He has told me that it would take a long time for him to see another girl too.Also, in the last 5 months he lost his job of 8 years, lost his truck, cell phone etc and doesnt like that Ive been paying everything and he is looking for a job but helps me with my cleaning business. Sometimes I would bring up the fact that I had to pay for everything and this would make him feel bad that he couldnt help provide but wanted a job so badly.Hes a truck mechanic and sometimes hard to find a job in that trade right away. We would fight and argue all the time and he would run away and not come home for a day or 2 and recently he ran for 2 weeks then came back for 2 weeks then was gone again for 6 weeks. He always stayed with family during this time. I then got a call from his sister saying he was in the hospital because he had a seizure and thats when we found out that he has a cyst on his brain. I know this really scares him and it should. Ive tried to be there for him but we ended up in an argument over him lying about something small again and he left again saying he was going to come and get his stuff and that he doesnt wanna be with me anymore. When he came for his stuff yesterday he brought some people to help that dont like me so I asked to speak to him alone. I asked if we could still be together just not live together and he said no he cant do any of this anymore and that he needs to focus on his health and not fighting with me. I have been going to counseling for my insecurities (I just started a few days ago) and I know I can get better. He also agreed yesterday to get counseling for himself. So we kept talking and he was kissing me and telling me how beautiful I am and that he does want to try and work on us and that we can still see each other. He said he still loves me and agreed that we could get together last night at 9. He is staying with his friends parents and they dont like me so he didnt wanna tell them he is seeing me to avoid confrontation right now. He said he would eventually. Well, he didnt show up last night :( I waited for him and he didnt come. He left his fishing stuff here cuz he said we could go today and his camping stove so we could go camping on my bday like usual and his tools so he could fix my car today. Im really thinking its over between us and he was only saying what I wanted to hear so he didnt have to hurt me yesterday but why leave his stuff here and kiss me and say he loves me if he doesnt wanna be with me? I love this guy more than anything and still wanna work things out. I miss him so much and I dont know what to do. There really isnt a way for me to contact him and he probably cant contact me as he doesnt have a phone and the people hes staying with dont like me. Please help. I dont know what to do :((((
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Hmm. Maybe too many things are happening at once, causing him (and you) to be overwhelmed, and he should deal with one at a time. He is probably going through a whole spectrum of emotions too, so it's hard for him to let you go especially when you're right there, but when he's away he might be clearer on the reasons why he doesn't want to continue the relationship.
It might help if you give yourself some idea of how long you're willing to wait for him to make up his mind--it sounds like both of you are taking steps to work on the relationship so perhaps after some of the current issues are sorted out (his health, job, living situation), you can have a better relationship together.
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