A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hi everyone, i hope someone can help me out here as im not sure what is wrong with me in some sense. Im sorry if its long, but ill try to keep to the point.I am 21 years old and ever since about the age of 9 I have not exactly been the most stable person with my feelings etc.From 9 to 16 I went through an incredibly bad period where i was very sad all the time, I hated life, I hated people, I didnt trust many, I was hurt by many people who took advantage of me being very sensetive and I built a wall up that stood strong and i eventually started to get better when I met my first serious boyfriend. That obviously dwindled when i turned 18 and attended University because for the first time in my life i felt independant, i felt in control and I just flipped personality wise over night. i became confident, talkative, friendly, would say whatever was on my mind, never got offended and I loved being this person as i thought 'maybe this was me deep down inside hiding away for so long' While i was in my relationship I became aware of how much I could trust people etc and opened up but we were young and immature and i learnt to feel very rejected and built my wall back up again. When we finished, I went down a very rebelious route for about 8 months, I slept with guys, not alot but enough. I used to love the freedom of controlling and in some way getting my payback for all the wrong people did to me but after a while i knew I wasnt that kind of person, I was naturally a caring person but just didnt trust people, so i stopped and finally let someone in after 8 months. That didnt go well, as he cheated on me and dumped me for an ex. I built my wall back up and had it pulled back down repeatedly over 1 year, you name it, they cheated, didnt think I was worth it, couldnt handle the distance etc. And the last ended only a few days ago, also to hit me was to find my uni results were not exactly great and it worries me that i just 'dont care'. For the past 2 years of being with guys, they did what they did but i got over it so so quickly and just stopped caring, but its effected eveyrthing else in my life, i dont care i have to resit a module at uni, i dont care i wont graduate til november, i dont care if i sit in my flat all day everyday, i dont care if i sleep it away, i dont care if i have no money, i dont care if people hurt me because ive started to believe it wil jut happen and its to be expected. Basically i feel indifferent to almost everything, I know i shouldnt, i know i should care i got bad grades after 3 years, i know i should care when people hurt me or use me but now im just numb to it.And in some sense that can be good but I know it really isnt. But what confusses me the most out of all this, is I still have ambition, i still want to get someone with my career, im willing to move out of the country if it gets me ahead but at the same time even though I have this drive, i still dont put much into it, its like im in la la land or i think all ive got within myself is to try only a little bit but i know i have more in myself but just cant get there. Im also really caring to my friends, i wil listen to them if they need me, i always tell myself 'things could be worse' because they really could, i dont have it bad compared to a lot of people, I know how to fix things, I want to fix things but I just keep on thinking 'whats the point, im destined to be rejected from guys, im destined to be a failure in my life etc'someone please help me, i dont know what to do =[thanks
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ambition, cheated on me, immature, money, period, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): Are you using or abusing drugs or alcohol?
What do you spend most of your time doing?
You are only sharing a small bit of what you feel is wrong with your life.
The one thing you want most in life right now is to find someone who understands you. Someone you can trust. You feel incomplete. You are searching for your lifelong mate and you You want someone to love unconditionally and love unconditionally in return. You feel like you are failing at achieving this goal thus far with the men you trusted and gave a part of yourself to when you broke down the wall inside and let yourself feeel...they don't understand how much of your self you actually gave...you trusted them, you learned to feel intimacy and you suffered great loss when things fell apart.
You are apathetic. You sleep around because you are hoping that you can find intimacy by having sex with many partners hoping to find it again. Sex can lead to intimacy, but often doesn't. You need to find intimacy again before having sex with the guy. You need to trust again and that will take a long time, possibly forever, you don't know if you can risk putting yourself out there emotionally again.
You need a good psychologist, psychotherapist, or counselor to identify how you can work on experiencing your feelings. You've been walled off from emotions (especially positive ones...which devestatingly don't last long) for so long you don't relate to anyone/everyone you interract with. You feel alone. Very alone. Alone is apathetic...it is a survival mechanism when you're walled in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): Hey, I know your story. Its mine too.
You have depression. You can treat that. See you doctor, tell her how you feel. Get the meds, then get a counselor.
I'm building my life back up. You can too.
Last of all, dont have sex for one year. The boys will only make you feel more used and worthless. You are a woman of value. Find out who you are, and what you want in life. Then find someone who shares that and loves you for it.
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