A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was or am involved with a man with 2 children and we were very compatible and enjoyed our times together, but he has a lot of problems with his ex and demands for extra money (divorced 5 years, he pays his maintenance on time and always gives extra every month).He says he was planning to buy an engagement ring and propose to me but it didn't work out due to financial concerns and the same with when we discussed moving in together - he currently lives with his mom and wouldn't have been able to afford rent. He gets really stressed about it but I can't say that he has done anything definite to sort it out. Anyway, that eroded our realtionship quite a bit and although he wants to stay together I think I must move on. He is a good man and I don't think I would be leaving if not for his constant money issues. Don't get me wrong, I am not a gold digger - at least I don't think I am - and I contributed more than my share until now and I helped him out a lot. I just don't feel comfortable with the way things work with us and I don't know if I should wait any longer because this is the way it has been for 2 years with no change in sight. If you're asking why I stayed so long if I didn't like it it's because he told me it was just a passing thing and it would get better and I took him at his word and assumed he was going to sort it out or that it would just settle down.Am I being unreasonable?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (28 June 2012):
So Very Confused has got it in one. but I am wondering why is he paying extra money every month on top of child support??? that doesnt sound logical, given his finacial situation. why would anyone do that? it doesnt make sense as it sounds like he has been ordered to give a reasonably large sum over already. you need to ask him about that, if I were you it would be bothering me a A LOT. but in any case I think moving on is the best thing for you. 2 years is more than enough time for someone to change or improve their situation, it is not fair on you that he has not kept to his word, you deserve the truth and you deserve better if Im honest. good luck x
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 June 2012):
 I think you are being wise.
Money can't by happiness but it sure can make being miserable easier...
IF he is old enough to be divorced and the parent of two children he needs to either be making more money (get a second job) or he needs a better lawyer because the mother took him to the cleaners.
He should have a budget and stick to it... if he is paying alimony to her for her that's wrong. IF he's paying just child support and he gives her more than originally agreed on or more than is court ordered he needs to stop that and write a budget and stick to it.
As a woman who has lived paycheck to paycheck and no longer does it is very stressful to not have funds and I will never go back to having to "wait for payday" to make payments on things.
you are not being unreasonable
children and money are the two things that tend to cause second marriages to fail....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): No you're not being unreasonable.
OP I have nothing against people living with their parents, some people do so to take care of their parents or may just need to financially, especially in the times we live in now.
The thing is OP, he's not irresponsible, I mean he is paying his full maintenance and being generous about it too. I also don't think a person's worth is related to a pound sign.
Now as far as him getting his act together that's easier said than done these days but after two years he should be making some progress.
But how you define progress and what he's actually doing sound different. Your problem is not the money so you're not a gold digger but you need progress in this relationship OP, you need to see it moving forward in some way and he needs to step up and make that happen.
Don't let anyone tell you he's a waster or a loser OP, no guy who makes sure to take care of his kids in the way he does is a loser and I have a feeling you understand that has to come first to him but he needs to show some real progression and for him to gain some kind of financial independence enough that you and he can move forward, get engaged and perhaps get your own place.
It's time you had a talk with him OP and told him that while it's not what you want, the relationship is just not going anywhere the way it is now and it might be best if you move on because you can't live in the middle of this stagnation.
Enough is enough, you need something to change here and he's not doing anything to change it.
Look if losing you is not incentive for him to get his act together then nothing will ever be enough.
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