A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has been quiet for the past two weeks. We got into a fight about his drinking and all of a sudden, we stop having sex. When I walk to a room, he leaves out. We do not sleep in the same bed anymore. I even asked him "what's wrong?" or try to massage his back to show that I am there. He keeps asking me if I am happy with him, and I say yes because I mean it. I know he works three jobs and I am a college student with a part time job, I am more diligent to keep him satisfied; but he is fading away. He says I am "melodramtic" and pick fights with him because I am "self-destructive". I feel that he is regretting that I moved in with him. I tried my best to find another job, but it is hard sharing one car and our schedules are overlapping one another. I left him Wednesday morning because I felt we need space, but he has not called. Do you all think it is another woman? or am I the problem?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (19 October 2008):
 You are welcome God bless and hope all is better from here on out.
Blue_Angel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked with him yesterday and he said that he did not want to stress me with his problems because I have a lot on my plate. I told him that "two cannot become one until both feelings are shared." I know it may have sound old fashioned, but it got us back together again. We really did miss each other and promised that feelings will be shared. I told him that sometimes another person can show him an answer to problem from a different point of view--like you all did for me. I thank you all for sharing your thoughts and hopefully this will not happen again. Thanks with LOVE!!!
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A
male
reader, lonecountryboy +, writes (18 October 2008):
hey you wrote that you were picking his brain.... Maybe with all the stress going on between the two of you, by you asking questions he feels like you think there is a problem when really there isn't and he is just too tired to think.....:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): i agree with lonecountry boy. The man has 3 jobs!!! Stressing about money, responsibilities, and drinking.. because he needs an outlet.. Don't walk away, give him breathing space, see that it is not you, and don't take it personally, and also try not to nag at him to share his thoughts, more than likely he is tired and doesn't have anything to say!!
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (17 October 2008):
A whiner NO! It makes you human. Sometimes when a relatinship is on the downside it is quite often because one of the parties has already left or thought about leaving the relationship long before they break it off. Fade is right when you continue to do all the giving here they usually take advantage of your good nature and yes it can often lead to abuse in some form. It can also make you feel like you are just plain nuts here and everything is your fault.
Like I mentioned before when you reason it out and you know you aren't to blame then let him make the first step in what's necessary to repair the relationship. Don't worry yourself to death over this. It can really make you sick. Sometimes blame is placed on the wrong person as it wasn't their fault to start with. If you are not at fault, and even he they realizes it nothing will change until he can admit it and come to you. Worrying like this and letting him make you feel guilty can only set you up for a downhill spiral that usually never stops.
Take care of yourself and Stand your grounds.. Don't allow him to take your self-esteem away. Just a note * Most of the time men have the hardest time saying I am sorry, so you might be waiting a long time. Best wishes.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
male
reader, lonecountryboy +, writes (17 October 2008):
hey I would just relax a second and really think before getting irrational. He works three jobs...... the schedules conflict....... One car...... DRINKING....... to me these are all stress factors and with out communication a relationship will crumble. You have to see him as the man of the house trying to do everything with three jobs and well that is a lot of weight on ones shoulders then comes bills and everything else. I would say I do not think its you or aanother woman I think its both of you and you need to let it go for a bit and say hey if he loves he will talk. right now he is probably stressed out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess that I panic when he does not tell me anything. He will sit in front of the television and I will ask him about his day and we will talk. But lately, I will ask him what is on his mind and he won't answer at all. I try my best to be there for him because I know he is stressed. I have been praying and crying to find out what is wrong, but he tells me to stop picking his brain. I feel that if we are going to be a household, we have to become one and discuss what is on our minds--he does not do that. I do not want him to think I am a nag-- I am concerned. I miss his smiles, hugs, and the happy being he was. I want to protect him when he comes from a hard day at work--let him know that no one is at home to bother him. I know a man is going to hold his feelings back, I just want him to share sometimes. He feels that he is not providing enough for the house; and I will let him know that we are getting by. I even go hungry to let him have the big meals when he gets home. I maybe sacrificing myself to him, but i pray to make us stronger. I am not "self-destructing". He thinks that I am depressed. I am stressed and I want to communicate to make us better. If I am sharing and he is not, does that make me a whiner?
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (17 October 2008):
It sounds like he is still upset about your having criticized him about his drinking. It possible that he is being stubborn about letting you have the last word. By brooding or become distant with you he thinks he is gaining control over the situation. He didn't like the idea of fighting over something that he clearly wants to do. His thoughts might be *I am a grown man and I can do what I want to do!
For now the only thing you can do is give him the space to vent his feeling over this. Being distant to you is not necessarily the best way to help get over this as it can actually make matters worse. You might decide that you don't want to be with someone who treats you like this.
The choice is yours. Staying by him however and trying to be understanding shows him that you will *stand by him. Just don't let his bad behaviour go to far at your expense. Know when to draw the line. Alot of times when a couple have a big fight it is hard for them to go on as though nothing happened. Sometimes one is the most forgiving and the other can become the grudge holder. Since you didn't specify what about his drinking caused the fight it is harder to even pinpoint what might be really going on with him.
I would suggest that you just back off and let him have his time to get his thoughts straight about the fight and you. Don't worry about the sex part at the moment focus on getting things out in the open. Think about the fight and exactally why you were fighting. Ask yourself was the fight really worth it or if there was anything you could have done differently. Don't accept blame for anything that was actually his fault but do make sure that you weren't just overreacting. If you were right don't push him about it. Just let it be for now and let him come to you.
If he really cares about this relationship most guys will usually come around. If he does and you were concerned about him drinking too much or spending bill money on his drink(something important) try talking about it without blaming. One you do then you will have to try and let it go. Don't let everyone else around you be aware of what's going on. Most guys simply don't want everyone knowing their business. when given a chance to think it through both parties usually come to a place where they decide they are ready to go back to the normal relationship. Don't forget that fighting with someone( argueing) can cause hurtful feelings sometimes or just make someone upset enough to back away or withdraw.
It can be hard just trying to live with anyone. Two people can have many different habits or personality traits. The way each person feels and thinks about different situaions can be very different. Values and morals can be totaly different. If you want to be with someone you have to sometimes compromise (often both of you) in order to make it work out. Only you know what you want. If you clearly see that you may have caused the problem then let him know. If it was him, he has to come to terms with that.
Call him if you must but only do it once. Talk to him letting him know that you still care but let him be the one to carry the conversation. After you have made the step(considering you left) let it be. If he cares he should be able to soon realize it and hopefully he will ask you to return.
Remember that in all things, some are not meant to be. Cherish the good times you have and when you are only left with a friend....it is far better than having an enemy anyday.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Anyone working 3 jobs is going to feel stressed and tired. I'm sure the last thing that they want is to come home and fight with someone. He's tired dear, plain and simple. Believe it or not, men don't always want sex, especially not when they are tired, stressed, ect.. YOU left him, right? So why would you expect him to call you? Have you tried calling him? You say you are trying to be understanding, and I'm sure you are, but if he's saying you are melodramatic and self-destructive..WHY is he saying these things?Is he just upset/angry? Or do you act this way? Think about how you act, and try to do it from a 3rd point of view ok? No emotions involved. I doubt very seriously if there is another woman involved, when would he have the time? the energy? Relationships take alot of work, and if you really love him, keep trying. Try to look at things through his eyes. Perhaps you aren't doing anything wrong at all, and seriously, he's just tired.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I do not think there is another women, I think it's that there are very clearly many things wrong with what the two of you have. He is not calling you because he does not want to face the dramatics or fight with you. Also, sometimes even when things are bad and we think leaving for "space" is good, it tells our partner we do in fact have the ability to abandon them. I would give him a call and try to work things out, there are many layers you all have to work through.
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