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female
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*indyCares
writes: Maybe some of you remember a book called " Backlash " by Pulitzer winner Susan Faludi, in which she argued for the existence of a media driven " backlash " aimed to invalidate the feminist progresses of the 70's. Now, I don't know if Faludi was right and I don't care, the reason why I bring her up is just because her book come out in 1991 and now, nearly 30 years later... is it just me, or are we having a second backlash, more virulent and mean spirited than the original one ?It would seem so, at least going by Dear Cupid , at times, and the Internet at large. I know I know, if one wants to read something deep and meaningful and spiritual one goes for Shakespeare or the Bible or Homer ( the Greek guy, not Homer Simpson ), not for Yahoo answers and the like ; but I was doing a little research about something marginally related and I chanced into tons of threads that amused me at first , then eventually sort of scared me." Why American women are all skanks and sluts " " Why ALL women are all skanks and sluts " and so on and so forth. It seems there are a lot of embittered, enraged males that have a problem with equality in the workplace and in society, but even much more , with female sexuality and the way women chose to express it, or not express it. Slut shaming left and right, and the poor girls can't win, if they put out they are filthy hoes and if they don't, they are frigid manipulative bitches. What happened ?? Where does all this new generations of " men who hate women " come from ? Now, I can understand perfectly if one has a preference for a non promiscuous or not experienced woman, same has he might have a preference for a woman with a good musical ear or an affilition to a certain political party. But, why the nastiness and the finger pointing ? What happened to "live and let live ", " different strokes for different people "? And / or , is it just my impression, triggered by casual findings not representative of any trend or general attitude ? ( I don't know though how unrepresentative these rants can be.... there are so , so many of them on line ... ) What do you think ?
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (13 May 2016):
I think these misogynists have ALWAYS been there. What they have now is a voice.
Back in the 90's we didn't have the internet and the world-wide-web. Well, some people had a ropey old dial-up connection but it's certainly a far cry from today when just about everybody in the western can (theoretically) be on-line 24 hours a day - even when they're out an about with wi-fi and iphones.
There are so many websites now serving just about every interest and every need and it's now acceptable to go on-line to sort your problems out. Back in the 90's people kept it a closely guarded secret if they were internet dating, for example, as it was somehow seen as an "sad, lame and desperate". Now, (amongst the younger generations at least), it almost seems the norm to make most of your friends that way! It's now acceptable to reach out to strangers.
And the cloak of anonymity that on-line communication gives people, especially on blogs or internet forums (?fora?) means that people can reveal things freely that they might never do IRL.
It's a haven for the angry, disgusted and disgruntled because they can spout their woes without being interrupted or told to shut up. And misery loves company. There's bound to be somebody who agrees or empathises with them.
And this applies to everybody - not just the mysogynists. I haven't looked to see how may "All Men are Pigs" websites exist but I'm sure they're there - just as there are websites for those who abhor abortion or extol racism.
But, you're right. There does seem to be an awful lot of it about. I think it must be because I spend too much time hanging around Dear Cupid, though because I have never met a guy who was that bitter IRL. So hopefully they're not as common as they seem.... (hopefully)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): The "live and let live" deal cuts both ways.
Do you think less of men for not wanting to date promiscuous women? Do you assume this reflects a double standard because most men are sluts (except we mostly aren't)? Do you call men insecure, immature, controlling, etc, for asking questions about a woman's past? This is not letting us live.
Guys are being pressured to find something attractive. That's bad. We are getting demeaned (or you could say "judged") for feeling differently. That's worse. And we are getting pressured against even asking the necessary questions to look for who we really want. That is the 3rd strike.
We try to play by the rules because society raises us to think this is "fair" now. (And we are men, the oppressors, always in the wrong, mistreating the poor oppressed women.) But what is happening here is not fair and deep down we sense it. This breeds bottled-up simmering resentment. It boils over and shows online where everyone is anonymous and it feels good to vent the anger 10x louder & more hurtful than is called for.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 I acknowledge that sexual attitude has become lax, and that teenage pregnancy is a problem. I've seen enough Maury shows to know that. Sometimes promiscuity is a reaction formation from abuse and parental neglect, causing young people to look for love in the wrong places. However I suppose the slut shaming you are talking about is from self proclaimed nice guys who got rejected one time too many. A slut is basically someone who's sexually aware and confident. That itself isn't a problem. It's only a problem when women try to have her cake and eat it too. The Madonna whore complex in men made them very inflexible when it comes to women's choices. They are either good women or sluts forever. They think once you deviate from the traditional role assigned to you, you are banished forever and can't come back to eden, like Eve. You are not supposed to bother decent men and trap them into marriage. You are supposed to get fucked over and used by men your whole life, and secretly live in shame with lowered heads. In reality, a slut is just a woman who prefers men who have the social aptitude, the grace and know what women actually want emotionally. A short answer to your question is that boys were not raised how to relate to women. They are the receiving end of being cared for by mother figures, but never how to reciprocate. Or worse, they are the neglected ones and that doesn't help a thing either. The fact is, women are not simpletons who agree to be your girlfriend just because you follow the abc formula. Relationships are complex. They take emotional effort, critical thinking and problem solving skills.
Why is being a "nice guy" not enough? The status of women is elevated, so we can be more demanding today. Hence the more rejecting. As equality of the sexes is progressing, women can juggle jobs, parenting and socializing and they feel they deserve more than men who retrieve into a world of computer games and porn in the evening. Women want someone they can talk to, and connect, not just a big dick.
You can't conclude this topic without talking about sex. Slut shaming is a way to avoid the feeling of insecurity of being sexual performance. It's last resort to control female sexuality after barbaric practices like foot binding and genital mutilation were outlawed. If women were not able to tell what good sex is, then they are less likely to leave a husband who's bad in bend. If the wife is a virgin, the husband is always number one in bed.
What does shame do? It stops you from doing things that are deemed inappropriate. Sadly it was used as discipline when reasoning failed to work. Children are made to be ashamed for complaining, lying and stealing. Smart women know that enjoying sex isn't something to be ashamed about. If having lived a life of sexual enjoyment is offensive to a future husband who's unwilling to adapt to the changing world, then we can gladly go without men like that, and they can freely think that we suffer when we are old and lonely and wish we were married to a "nice guy", and regret ever challenging the status quo.
In a movie quote, "women, that men can't live without, but also can't live with." Men need sex but hate the things they have to do or endure to get it, when they constantly see other men who get it effortlessly. At the same time they don't understand it's the sexism that's hurting everyone.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (10 May 2016):
I'll be honest this is the impression I am also getting and as a single woman of 30, I am finding it really difficult to deal with. Although it's prevalent online, it's also happening in real life. If I tell a man how many people I've slept with he uses it against me (even though I'd say 6 partners at my age is very conservative), if I don't tell him I have something to hide. If I have sex too soon I'm a slut, if I wait (which is my preference) I'm using them for free meals and for my my own wicked amusement.
It seems like a man thinks it's realistic to find a woman who is almost completely asexual up until the point she meets him, after which she turns into a sex kitten who can't get enough of him. So many men I know have bragged about finding 'pure' women to marry, only to complain about their low sex drives once they are married. As if it's normal to expect a person to have little to no sexual desire until he says so, after which the switch is flipped? It makes no logical sense to me at all.
I have been dating for almost a year and I'm finding men my age without jobs, money, ambition or even their own apartments who not only expect supermodels but get angry when they don't get it. The ones that do have ambition say they want the same in a partner but they freak when they find out I earn equal to/more than them. One man actually told me it was inevitable that I'd have a masters degree, a good job and own my own home because women 'get everything handed to them on a plate these days'. Completely ignoring the fact that a 4 year university education is free to all Scottish nationals, so he has had the exact same opportunities as me but refused to take advantage of them.
It seems to me like the media has a big part to play in this. Men are being bombarded with images of less than average men getting the beautiful girl in everything from porn to Hollywood movies, yet in reality that doesn't happen. They are raised to believe showing up and being a 'nice guy' should get them what they want, so is it any surprise that they are bitter when life doesn't work out that way? I think we are in the middle of a big gender shift and many men are questioning where they fit within it. But unfortunately from where I'm standing, many of them (although by no means all) are happier moaning about how it's all women's fault for daring to challenge the status quo rather than adapting to their new reality. And since no sane women will ever want a man like that, the cycle continues.
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