A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is my current situation... I am a married 35 year old with 2 kids and I am currently cheating happily. I know how it sounds but hear me out. I have been in my relationship with my husband for 12 years. I like to think we are good parents, we both work full time and juggle our jobs with countless recitals, practices and games. After a few years things began to run dry in the passion department. Even my hubby is aware I longed for more. He actually even allowed me to have a sexual relationship with someone that he knew and was comfortable with.The problem there was the person he allowed me to be with was close to our family and did nothing good for my happiness level. I felt like I had 2 men with needs I was obligated to fill. This went on for a couple years until last November. The person I was allowed to have an affair with kept me at a point where we could hang out we could have sex but I was never allowed to kiss him or feel any closeness. I told my hubby my feelings on the situation. Mostly I felt obligated to them and still not having my needs met. I was alone at home for a few weeks with hubby and other guy 1400 miles away working, I was working full time and taking care of house and kids. I was tired and lonely so I went to one of those websites for cheating. It took about a month to find someone in my area who also had a family to take care of. I was excited and we chatted for a couple weeks then exchanged puctures. It was my ex boyfriend from when I was 18. I was shocked. After explaining who I was (he did not recognize me by photo) I told him it probably was not a good idea to see eachother given our history and he felt very differently. He thought this was a opportunity. I kept chatting with him and refusing to see him for a while then finally gave in. Now that I have given in I am happy with the arrangement. My ex showers me with compliments, he is a good listener when I have problems and he is a good influence as well. He is always suggesting things I can do with my kids and encouraging healthy decisions. Not to mention when we do meet for sex it is always amazing. I am happy with my affair.He seems happy too. We are both very understanding of each others families and spouses. I can completely accept I am the other woman I take care of him in a different way. Question is should I feel guilt? I certainly don't feel guilty on my end for my husband who was willing to share me anyways. Maybe I should feel bad for his wife, however I think I only take care of him when she isn't interested anyways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): Hi female Anon, my main impetus for posting was to say that I think you are an excellent writer and I hope you will post a lot more on this site! clap clap!
OP: besides possibly hurting your ex's marriage, to me it sounds like you are so focused on your affair that you may be ignoring your kids a bit. I understand that you have needs, but at your point in life your kids should be your priority. Also, they can probably sense that you are being dishonest which is not a good thing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): Hello OP.It's female Anon.How long have you been in this affair? It sounds like you are in the newness phase.He can do no wrong in this phase. And neither can you.But things will change someday. It is going to get complicated. And become like any other relationship in time. And it will be so much harder to be happy with this "arrangement." You will see. I can't tell you this now as you are not going to care one bit. You are going to need to find this out on your own. Just like I did.I hear you. It is a powerful addiction. I am addicted to my married boyfriend. He is addicted to me. We cannot let each other go. Most people who have never been in this situation just cannot understand. They simply judge. Until you walk in these shoes, you will never know how hard it is. To stay. And to walk away. You are between a rock and a hard place. There are repercussions in either decision. Whichever way you go. I love my married boyfriend. I am not sure if he loves me. If he does, he will never admit it to me nor ever acknowledge it as it is too hard for him. He was never in it for love. But love has this funny way of finding us sometimes, despite our best intentions. And that is when it gets messy.I urge you to try harder with your husband. Focus more on him. Take a break from the other guy and try your hardest to make your marriage work. If you cannot, then leave your husband. It would be much kinder on your husband not to do this to him. It will destroy him knowing his wife is having sex with another man. You are hitting a man right where he lives when you have sex with another man. If you think he will never find out, then you are sorely mistaken. He will find out. You will slip up eventually. Or your lover will. Please don't hurt your husband this way. Imagine if it was him sleeping with another woman. How would this feel? Would it not destroy you? He has been a good husband and father. Don't stab his heart. For your own selfishness. Think of him AND your children. Work on your marriage or get out. And let your lover do the same. Work on his marriage or get out.I will tell you that well before I began my affair, I used to be married. I left my husband of 18 years because I had feelings for another man (not my affair partner) and I decided to explore that relationship. I just did not have the heart to do that to him. I thought it was the kindest thing to do to him. Leave him and hurt him honestly rather than destroy him by deception. You will always hurt somebody more with the lies than the truth. Remember that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): You said that the first man you had the affair with didn't allow any closeness or kissing and this new man does. Perhaps it's not just the sex you were craving but affection and to feel loved and wanted. Maybe if you and your husband can spend a bit of quality time together and maybe in time rekindle a bit of closeness and affection things may be better at home. If your husband does not want to do this I would seriously want to know why. Maybe focus a bit of the time and effort into your husband than to other men.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 You are both lying to your husband and his wife, so yes off course you should feel guilty, if you thought you where doing nothing wrong then you would have told your husband, but instead you are lying to him and sneaking around because somewhere deep down you no that this behavior is unacceptable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous,
I appreciate your response and honesty. Although this affair doesn't feel exactly like that I do know that addicted feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): It is easy to stay with a solid and stable husband as a provider and life partner and have a fun and sexually passionate man on the side to satisfy your other needs.It is what most people would do when their marriage is on life support. It's an easy fix, band aid solution. But that solution is like sands in an hourglass. Often our husbands lose their sparkle as they become too much of a "good guy" once they assume the husband role, especially long term. And a woman begins to see him more as a life partner, a good friend, a dad, a brother figure. But no longer the sexual, passionate man she craved in the beginning. He loses his mystery and sex appeal. Perhaps he becomes too domesticated. Too loyal. Too dependable. And so the woman craves the "bad boy" to play with again. She has lost that in her husband. Yet she does not want to lose a good guy. So she will not leave him as he is a good husband and father but not everything she wants in a man. Although if she looks deep enough, she will see that he IS everything she wants. She is just too busy jumping the fence to the other grass. And becomes obsessed with the other lawn while letting her own wilt and die.In all fairness to the husband, how would he ever be able to keep up that bad boy persona when he is a committed husband and father? He can't. And remember, the other man is exciting because he is not your husband. He is alluring because all you both do is focus on your sexual fantasies and not much else. Yes, you get along and get each other and all of that. But it is fleeting. You are living in a fantasy bubble where you both are getting and taking the best of each other. Without the problems and realities most marriages entail. So both your spouses are doing the dirty work keeping your marriages together while both of you are having a fling on the side as the icing to your respective cakes. How fair is this to your spouses? I am not judging. I am in the middle of a 3 year affair with a married man. I am a single woman. It started out much like yours. But what starts out as pleasure and euphoria always ends in pain and misery. Unfortunately nobody entering an affair ever thinks of the repercussions when it ends. And it will end. And end badly with many people hurt. The high you are getting know which is like an addiction will wear off eventually and then reality will stare at you in the face. Will it all be worth it then? Will it be worth destroying your families over? When that day comes, you will be full of regrets. And there will be no going back. You are going to destroy your children by your actions and their future. You need to think about that.You are making excuses to yourself. Trying to justify having this affair. This is common. Been there, done that. You are deluding yourself with all the "positives". Much like a drug addict who is hooked on a drug and singing the praises of this drug. Yes, an affair is an addiction. Yes, it is easy to see why you are addicted. Yes, you can stop it. Yes, you can say no to the affair and work on your marriage. But you chose not to. As long as you are in this fantasy fog, you are going to do and say anything to keep it going. It just feels too good to let go of. It is numbing whatever pain you feel, supplementing whatever needs are going unmet. It is elevating your mundane and boring life to the point of fireworks. Who doesn't love fireworks? But once you let go of the drug, you will be in withdrawal. There is no worse pain than having to let go of your addiction. You are going to face that one day. As somebody who is close to this right now, and I know that this affair will soon be over, I caution you strongly to get out now. Now three years later. The pain will be so much worse as will the devastation. My married guy made me feel special. The sex we had was the BEST ever for both of us. He feels guilty and toys with my emotions all the time. Makes me feel beautiful one minute and then like trash the next. He loves me and hates me all at once. And his conflicted emotions make me his punching bag most of the time when all I do is love him. And try to make him happy. And give to him. All of me. And yet in return I get pain, a man who can never be mine, a man who pulls me close and then pulls away. I can always predict that. Your feelings get too involved. Especially as a woman. And what happens? You too will be in love with a married man. Just like me. A man who will never leave his wife. All you are and will ever be to him is a bit of fun and excitement. Be very careful when you play with fire and emotions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 It's not about should or should not. You either feel guilt or you do not. Your post suggests that you feel very little. Every person is different. I could do it if the wife is also hooking up with other men. Even if the reason is that she got old and lost her libido, I couldn't do it.
In the wedding vows, one of them is to forsake all others. You can only forsake others if you are regularly having satisfactory sex. Otherwise you are depriving the other. In the old days there were no open relationships so wives just saw it as a duty to serve their husbands. Now the monogamy is crumbling and people just stay together for convenience and financial reasons. If they don't like having sex they don't force themselves anymore. Some will share while some might rather not know, having a no ask no tell policy. Some will be like, "I am not having sex with you but you can't cheat either." But I think that's not too many.
I belong to the crowd that says, fix things in your marriage and spice things up with your husband. However, I also understand how it's impractical for others to feel excitement forever with the same person. I am fine with either people who keep the tradition or the abolition of marriage.
My mom always says in the future, marriage will be like a short term contract, like a few years to whenever you want to stay married. It will no longer be the forever do us part thing.
You are definitely not Catholic. You may be atheist so the moral question here is relative as you don't know who your moral guide is.
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