A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:What are the effects on sons without proper father figures? My boyfriend's father was abusive and he is constantly searching for father figures in his older friends, he told me. I wish I could help him and be his friend but maybe that is not a role I can fulfill. Men, and ladies who have witnessed this, please explain to me how I can be supportive of him by understanding what he is feeling right now. Sometimes I feel offended or sad because I wish I could be that best friend he seeks in a father figure but I know I need to be understanding and supportive while he is hurting from the long-time built up pain. I did not grow up in the best home, but I hear that when the father-son bond is destroyed like his was, it can very detrimental. What is he feeling/going through? He doesn't like to talk about it other than telling me he find himself seeking father figures in friends. Thanks everyone...
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 He opened up and told you that so that you could understand him better, not so that you could problem solve it together. The fathers main job to a son is to teach him how to be a man as well as how to treat women in a relationship. This is learned mostly through observation and isn't necessarily a conscious decision. No proper father figure and obviously those areas will be most effected.
Doesn't mean he's abnormal or can't pick these things up elsewhere, mate's dads, older guy friends, granddad etc. but its not something that you can or should try to help with beyond simply understanding.
Best of luck
A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 you'll never fill the spot of a father in his life, that craving he will have for the rest of his life until the right person fulfils those needs. The only thing you can do is make it as little neccesary as possible. You can always be a friend to your son but also understand that it won't be the same as any other person being his friend. Not to get you down but it's just what it is. Being his mother is already the best role ever so realize the best you can from that and you'll get tastes of the other roles too, but remember you'll never be those. You'll always be his mom.
Now that I've said that, my dad left when I was ten. I was quite disoriented but I'm not sure if it was because of that or other things. It was like walking on one leg. My mom was very closed off so that might actually have made it worse. He doesn't NEED a father as long as you do your job right but he does need stability and good influences - more than one person can give. If he wants a good father figure, maybe you could befriend an adult who you find suitable, who knows, you may get to like him a lot more than expected and that's the problem solved :) or else you just try to surround him in the right environments/people. If he looks for fatherfigures in friends then you're taking a big risk. Kids, even most young adults are far from ready to be considered rolemodels. you could help him understand all that so his choices will help him filter better. From what I read, I can tell you have great intentions and I'm glad for that. If you got more questions, pls ask. It might be easier to answer if you do. good luck. x
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