A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I come on this site every day to read new questions that have been posted. I love this site, and I love giving people advice who ask for it. However, I have noticed a lot of questions posted about affairs, cheating, etc. People asking for advice about what to do after they've cheated. They either regret it and want to know how to patch things up with their first partner (wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, etc.), or they aren't sure about which step to to take to commit to the partner they've cheated with.I don't agree with cheating at all. If someone cheats, I believe they should let their partner go to find someone who won't cheat. Most situations end in the "cheatees" taking the cheaters back, and seeing down the road that it doesn't work out because they can't let it go.I'm engaged. I love my fiance very much. We've been dating for two years. I lost my virginity to him when I was 20 years old. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But with everything I've been reading about and seeing these past few weeks, it's made me terrified to get married. I've only very slept with my fiance. I've dated approximately ten guys. I've had one serious relationship prior to this one, which laster approximately a year and a half. In every relationship I've been in, I've been cheated on. Granted, those were all relationships that took place in highschool or shortly thereafter. But I'm terrified of getting so deep in this, and having my heart broken, and feeling a pain I've never felt before.I could never imagine cheating on my fiance. He's the most wonderful person I've ever met. I couldn't imagine sleeping with anyone else. I can't even imagine being attracted to anyone else. I couldn't imagine my life without him.What I want to know is: What drives partner's to cheat on one another? What makes them feel an attraction for a person other than the person they agreed to marry? What makes some partner's regret having an affair, while others don't regret it, and only want to be with the one they've cheated with? Please, share your insights. Share your stories. I'm so unsure. I'm so afraid. I don't want to drive my partner away. Please give me your advice. Whatever you can offer. Thank you.
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affair, engaged, fiance, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): When somebody outside the relationship becomes the "confidant" when the boyfriend doesn't fully understand. If somebody else is willing to listen wheras your boyfriend isn't, and becomes a gradually larger source of comfort and reassurance to you than your boyfriend, that could be where feelings develop.You know that cheating is terrible, its so very wrong, and its an act of something so horrific that you wouldn't wish it on the last person on Earth, but if your deepening feelings are brought up constantly then it is a reflection of your temptation and dedication to your relationship on whether you pull yourself out of that situation (so-as not to hurt your loved one)... or, questioning: are you selfish enough to indulge for those moments of passion, risking the sake of your relationship with your partner?If you are serious enough about your current partner then I think you would not hesitate to keep trying to resolve the issue purely with them - not to say "Them and Them Alone", because no, I think talking to your friends about how they would go about a problem seriously worrying you is a good thing; it puts you more in the others' perpective - but at the same time, you must really be very wary about what you say to a friend of the opposite gender about your relationship because they may be influencing you wrongly for the sake of what they want to pursue themselves....I'd say really to only judge people for their actions once you know the bigger picture.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Anyone can fall into the temptation of cheating....Now assumming that you cant(trust me a lot of people particularly women) may just be what sets you up for a fall....In order to protect yourself and your relationship you have to be aware of the times when you are vulnerable in a relationship....some people are not aware of their vulnerability hence the lead themselves into situation where they do something they regret....I'm am not talking about those who have always been cheat because the have a wandering eye but people who have been loyal and find themselves haing affairs or cheating on their partners....While one may find other people attractive apart from their partners the pull to become involved may be due to a lack of communication in their primary relationship, they dont feel loved, valued, they are denied sex thus feeling rejected or some people believe it or not do marry people the are not attracted to(they marry a nice person in the hope love will grow but it unfortunately doesnt).....Some problems in relationships are there long before the couple married but they ignored it and some people make wrong choices of partner while problems which arise for couple who were indeed in love, arise from taking each other for granted, neglecting to nuture your relationship and also failing to meet a partners needs....there are women who treat their husbands as though they are sperm donors and once the children are born neglect the sexual aspect of a relationship......there are also men who start to take their wives for granted treating them more as househelps and vessels for sexual release rather than a love partner..these partners in my opinion have to take some responsibilty for the state their relationship is in....I mean a woman cannot deny her husband sex for no true justifiable reason(sorry having kids does not count) and shout foul when her husband finds that kind of affection elsewhere likewise a husband who does not show love to his wife......
Being aware of the tough times and rough patches we have in a relationship helps a couple to cope and stay tru to each other but the have to always communicate honestly with each other and be ready to go above and beyond to secure their relationship...expecting smooth sailing just because you are married without nuturing the relationship leads to a lot of dissapointment
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (16 March 2011):
 People are all different. I'm like you in that I've been cheated on in every relationship I've had, but could never cheat on a girl I love. When my fiancee left me for another man a couple years ago (prompting me to find this site), I had just let her get bored and someone else was more interesting. But she was always fickle, never stuck with anything, so I was just the same as any other passing interest. But some people, like you and I, are loyal and aren't looking for the better option.
Some people cheat out of boredom, or to get revenge for being neglected, or because they're always looking for someone better, or just because they're too immature to think ahead. Some are impulsive and regret it instantly. Some are so self centered that they don't even know or care that they're hurting people. But some people even just have a few too many drinks and make an honest (but stupid) mistake.
The trick, as a loyal person, is to find someone similar. It sounds like you have. Never take that for granted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): "Most situations end in the "cheatees" taking the cheaters back, and seeing down the road that it doesn't work out because they can't let it go."
If you want to know why people cheat, read books on affairs (After the Affair, Not Just Friends, and Getting Past the Affair are some good ones).
Do it before you get married, and be open with your bf about your fears. You think you would never cheat, and you may be right.
But, don't be so sure. Those who are "certain" are often the ones who fall prey to the situations they find themselves in.
You see, you haven't lived with someone for 10 years, with kids, and found yourself after having children thinking that you aren't nearly as attractive as you were, and feeling "fat and ugly" and seeing some "hot and attractive well put together younger woman" at the mall who makes you question your attractiveness to your spouse (who simultaneously is not as attentive to you as he was before he was exhausted by children and work and worries). Then, finding yourself with some man pursuing you, a friend, a good friend in your mind, who thinks you are smart and hot and wishes his wife was like you and lets you know it, despite your being married, and being in your own mind not so attractive and desirable. Mix in a little alcohol, or a crisis at home, and a lot of effort by the other guy, and next thing you know you are in an affair, doing what you think/say you would never do.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 I think what you have to remember is that this site is where people come with problems. It's not an accurate cross-section of relationships worldwide... its just a good indicator of the types of relationship problems that people have.
Think about it, who comes on here to brag about how happy and blissful their marriage is...?
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