A
female
age
51-59,
bootydoctors
writes:Pinkee here~ This week Lila's post was aimed toward those who are already in relationship, but some of the flame (or, okay, I know sometimes it feels like ALL of the flame) has gone out of it. Along those same lines, I want to offer a technique that I sometimes use with couples coming to me when their relationship/marriage is downright on the rocks. And believe me, as a divorced woman, I've been there. However, don't take the fact that I am divorced as proof that this techniqie doesn't work. In our case, there were other complicating factors.So, sit down with your partner and ask yourselves the following quesitons: When we first got together, what was it about you (my partner) that I was attracted to? And, what other qualities did I later appreciate and admire, once I got to know you better?Then, each person makes a written list, either immediately or as "homework" and share your lists out loud with each other, at an agreed-upon time. These lists may end up including things like: I thought you had a nice butt, I admired your skill as a musician, or I thought you were a good kisser. Or, anything else that fits for you. It could be an aspect of your partner's appearance, personality, temperament, or something that he or she does/did that you really liked.Usually when couples get to that "on the rocks" place, most or all of their thoughts about each other tend to be negative. This exercise helps couples remember why they got together in the first place, and what they liked about the relationship as time went on . It can really help to put things in perspective, like: Oh, yeah, maybe I'm not insane for bieng with this person after all. And sometimes it can help both partners remember that there are some reasons, or at least potential ones, not to throw in the towel just yet.From there, there may be opportunities to recreate some of the magic from those early days, once you remember about it. Say, for instance, you almost forgot an activity you used to enjoy together but haven't done for ages. Well, this is a good time to do it again!Remember that what we choose to focus our attention on grows, so if you are choosing to focus all of your attention lately on how much your partner sucks, guess what? She's bound to keep demonstrating that you are right. That's how the universe works. However if, despite your differences, you start to focus on the positives again, you'll get more of that.I probably don't need to say this, but if there is an abusive element to your relationship, then I recommend coaching and/or therapy to evaluate the extent of the problem. If this does not resolve it, do not feel like you have to stay "for the kids" or for any other reason. (By the way, it is not really helping your kids to teach them how to remain in an abusive relationship.)Human beings, in order to have a healthy relationship, need a ratio of 5 appreciations to one criticism. So, keep that in mind. You could both commit to giving a 5:1 ratio and then seeing what magic you can rekindle in your relationship.
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