A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 1 year and we dated for 2 years before we got married. We were both virgins and we were saving ourselves for marriage. We both cherrished our virginitys and think its something special. We gave our virginitys to each other on our wedding night and have had a good sex life since and are both satisfied. Everything is perfect, but one thing happened last week that has be confused. I was talking to a buddy of mine who is getting married and we were talking about how lucky we are to have such clean girls without a checkered past. I told him I was proud that my wife and I were both virgins and had saved ourselves for marriage. This is where I got a surprise of my life when he asks what Im talking about, because he tried to tell me that my wife was not a virgin, she actually had sex with her ex bf when she was 16. I knew she had an ex bf, and I dont care one bit, her past is her business. Im not the jelous type at all, this is not about me having a problem with her past. I asked my wife about this and she assured me she never had sex with him, they had done everything else but no sex. She did tell me that they tried to have sex once but she told him to stop cause it hurt too much. So now im really confused with her, how could it hurt if they didnt have sex? She told me he got the tip of his penis in her and began pushing but she didnt want to loose her virginity yet, and it hurt like hell, in her own words. I asked how much did he get in and she thinks about half way in. To me, this was sex and she lost her virginity to him. My wife honestly believes it does not count and I was her first. I would love to believe this too but deep down I know she gave it to this other guy. Again, i am not bothered by someones past, but I feel robbed because of her belief she was a virgin. We still would have gotten married, thats not it. What I would like to know from others, does what she did classify as sex? Or was I her first like she thinks?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): She did 'everything else' but didn't fully pop the cherry? And had a penis inside her... and she's a virgin as long as the cherry hasn't popped?
Listen, virginity is used mainly by people to define sexual purity, even if she wasn't penetrated it doesn't mean she would have been a virgin. Besides, his penis went 'in' her, and that's all it takes to lose your virginity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Sounds like a failed attempt... I'll go with her, she was a virgin and your the first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I don't know how people can have so much to say about something so simple. Virginity is penetration and/or any other sexually explicit act, she was penetrated therefore she lost her virginity, simple and straightforward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): It sounds like you are bothered because you feel like you didn't get the truth originally. There is nothing wrong or weird about feeling that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Virginity is a state of mind, not a state of body. So what is in her mind matters. She wanted to save it. She thought she did. Let her have that happiness. Does a girl who gets raped lose her virginity? I dont think so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): A buddy? Some things you do not talk about. You should not have been boasting about getting there first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Yes she should have told you but on the other hand, she was 16 and properly very naive at the time. I don't understand what happened to make her wait for marriage but she properly realized how special it was
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I fully agree with Tomas, and love Starfish's comment.
Virginity is indeed a social construct, a concept "imposed" as a norm or a value, as means of power relations. If you are a virgin you are above the rest. If they say "but virgins are to do with hymens", then by that definition many young female athletes are not virgins because heavy training in certain sports often tear a girl's hymen (just like it tears muscles!). Also, "virgins" was a concept mostly used for women centuries ago (hence the concept of "power"). Today, men use this term to denote that they have not had sex (blow up dolls not included???).
This only boils down to your understanding of sex, and hers. It sounds like it is vastly different. So what? You went to different schools? You had different parents with different upbringings? You read different things? You have different ways of looking at things?
Here’s an analogy. Spicy foods, from exotic lands like Thailand for instance. You rave about it. Then you and her go to an authentic Thai restaurant run by a Thai and has a Thai chef imported from Thailand. You said it is way too spicy and too strong for you. She said “but you like Thai foods”. You say “Yes, but not like this”. You see the metaphor here?
I also think that your friend who told you she was not a virgin should mind his own business. Clearly he could see that you were happy in your three years together and she has given you no cause for concern for your love, health, and marriage. What possible gain or good does he think his information will give you? Or maybe, he is the one gaining?
You need to get this out of your head, but at the same time you need to tell your wife too. Not to tell her that you thought she had misled you, but to find out what her concept of sex and virgin is. It will be very educational for both you, if you can discuss it with a broad open mind. Think like a social scientist. Or an anthropologist. Or, whatever that works.
If you meant what you said about her past not bothering you, you should accept her explanation of what her “definition” of sex is. Then, if you think her understanding of that concept is “wrong”, move on! Just make sure that your children (and both of you) are kept up with the times in sex-education.
Like Starfish said, go shag like rabbits! (just don’t make too many offspring like rabbits do though)
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): [sigh]
Fantastic, now we're dealing with measurements. What if the guy's penis was less than one inch fully erect and somehow, didn't break her hymen when they had intercourse? [laughs]
Plus, I view sex as anything that is sexual. Sexual intercourse means penis goes into vagina. Sex in itself means sexual activities including but not limited to oral sex, penetrative sex, anal sex, making out while fingering/whacking off, dry-humping, etc, etc, etc, etc.
I don't see how people can be so caught up about a person's past sex life, especially for something so minuscule as this. [shakes head while sighing]
If you two are compatible with each other, why are you allowing something so tiny from her past let it affect you? The frailty of intimate relationships shows through very well here.
What happened to Tux's little heart? What is the world coming to?!?! ^_~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Do you love your wife? then why cant you accept who she is now regardless?
If she had sex once with this guy when she was 16 so what. It might have been a one off stupid thing and she never did it again to erase such a bad memory until you came along.
Think you are too hung up on the virginity thing. And the romance of it. Think you have to just get on with having a great wife.
We all have pasts and someone else said (another Cupid) they make our present - so to undo the past means undoing wht you have now. it isn't worth it. Go enjoy and shag like rabbits.
Hugs, star.x.
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A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (8 March 2009):
There are many different definitions of virginity. There's no official answer that is relevant for your situation.
Her sense of the word, that you lose your virginity when you have sexual intercourse, and that she never really had one, is to me a perfectly reasonable position. She shared something with you - full intercourse - that she never shared with anyone else.
Someone else could say the contact of a penis with the labia, or pressure on the hymen, constitutes a loss of virginity. Or what about someone who is penetrated fully, but not by a penis (say fingers or a toy).
The point is, there are lots of different things we do sexually with others. The decision of which ones are more "special" than others, is not something to be objectively answered by a dictionary.
It's one of those "how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" questions.
Rereading your question, the main point seems to be whether she lost her virginity to this other guy. I guarantee you if you examined her just before and after this, with the most exacting medical technology on earth, you wouldn't find anything called "virginity" on her person, before or after.
Virginity is a social construct. It means different things to different people, like dignity or innocence. We can all try to come up with our own definitions, but I believe it is a mistake to treat any of them as "true".
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Definitions may be subject to interpretation. Some people's definition is not the same as everyone elses.. Though I do know how the majority defines it.
But if you really love her, perhaps you should just leave the past in the past.
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A
male
reader, maxi_enigma  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 seriously dude i have no idea why u have posted this question, i mean u r married to her n have a happy life.i mean you should be asking yourself this question. but still since u have posted, i would like to say even if she had sex with her ex bf, you should be happy that you were the first person she made love to.i hope you know the difference between making love and sex.peace.
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