A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone I need some advice as to what's going on. I've recently started hanging out with an old friend about 2 months ago and I recently asked her out on a date about 2 weeks ago. I let her know I was interested . She said yes and I belive the date went well . We held hands and talked laughed enjoyed ourselves . I bumped into her that same week at church for an activity . Her family was there and she invited me to sit with her so I did we again held hands in front of her parents . Now here's my concern she generally never initiates contact with me not a text or a call I'm the one who initiates it. Now my question is , is she interested or just keeping me around... we so far have gone on 1 official date but have spend time together before. Why won't she initiate contact first . I heard that the usually means she's not interested . I've asked her out this weekend and she said she couldn't "thanks for the invite but she will let me know". Now for a little background on her she has a disabled father and she takes care of him and works . Am I being needy if I want to see her every week ? Or am I over analyzing it ... it would be great if I could get advice from both males and females .
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): I think sometimes OP's come to DC a little anxious for people they're dating to show how much they like them right from the start. YOU only started dating two weeks ago!
She may be just a little old-fashioned, and expects the guy to initiate communication. This could mean she needs time to decide "how" she likes you. She will not know how much she likes you, until she has had reasonable time to get to know you. You have to see people in different moods. Talk to them to see how they think, learn a few personal things about them.
You have to give your own mind a chance to figure out what it is exactly that you think you like about her. Some people seem so nice and attractive, that you are immediately taken by their looks. Then you discover who the person is, behind the first impression. Once you've taken a closer look; the soul inside may not be as pretty as the package it came in.
Women think we guys are "too slow" letting them know how much we're interested. If they're wasting their time. Well, a "call" every now and then should let her know you're interested. If she doesn't make excuses not to chat or has nothing to say. That's a clue if she wants to hear from you.
For some females; if you come after her too quickly. She'll instantly tag you boyfriend, future-husband, start picking out wedding gowns; and names for the first kid. You can't let on too quickly; because their county birthdays and watching their biological clocks. Weirdness!
You have to make them wait and see. I'm not talking to or about stinking players. They make you think they want to go to Vegas and get married yesterday. The scary thing, some women would do it!
Guys (OP and readers), you can't be discouraged because people may not show the immediate enthusiasm you want. You have to show patience and cautioned-persistence to allow feelings to formulate. We sometimes have an instant attraction, and other times it has to sink-in.
She invited you to sit with her in church, and held your hand. Don't over-think. That's a good sign. Feelings that take time to manifest, deliberately, over-time are truer than whirlwind attachments.
Desperation causes us to act irresponsibly and in haste. Then we have to backtrack to revisit someplace when we may have overlooked certain intolerable quirks, we suddenly notice too far down the road. End result, our feelings sputter-out; because we discover it was over-enthusiasm. The relief that we finally met someone nice. Not that we really had true romantic-feelings and sexual-attraction. Or, it was a long-time since the last time we had sex.
Now we have to figure out a way bail-out. Sound familiar to anyone out there dating?
That's why some OP's write us asking, why was it so great at the start; then suddenly they seem disinterested? Sex too soon, tops the list.
Well, maybe because by the time their feelings caught up with their enthusiasm and eagerness to find someone, reality set-in, and killed their high. All of sudden the connection isn't as great as they thought it was. They over-looked a lot of red-flags they didn't see to begin with. We all just wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend so bad.
Tired of games and the frustration of searching.
Everyone wants to know "right-now!" I think a chemical-reaction that builds to a dramatic climax; is more interesting and manageable than one that ignites on contact and blows up in my face. (Get your minds out of the gutter fellas!)
Let nature take its course. Initiate the contact for now, and judge how much she likes you by how she behaves when you're spending time together. If she is willing to go out with you each time you ask, and doesn't seem to make excuses to get out of seeing you. Maybe she prefers spending time with you to phone chat.
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (20 September 2014):
 Some girls are "taught" (for lack of a better word) that the guy should initiate contact. That we'd be seen as "chasing" a guy if we text or call first...
That could be what she's thinking.
So I wouldn't feel too bad that you're the one initiating contact first.
Maybe let her know that her calls and texts are always welcome, and she'll see that it will not chase you away.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 September 2014):
 Back in 'the day, the girl never initiated contact. It was always the guy, Perhaps she's just a little old fashioned that way. ain't no big thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): Sounds to me like you're over analysing.
You said it yourself, you've only been on one date and she might not know how to initiate contact, after all, you said she's an old friend. She might be shy or unnerved by the development in your relationship.
You're not being needy as such, seeing each other is expected in a relationship, but it's still early days, maybe slow down?
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