A
female
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anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. After the first year I accidentally got pregnant and had an abortion, at the aame time suffering depression. Since then, I haven't been able to have sex with my boyfriend/the amount we did went down significantly. Over the next 1 1/2 years we have done, but maybe only once every 2 months? I just can't bring myself to do it and although I know that it isn't everything in a relationship, it's 1. been a long time since then 2. were only in our early twenties and 3. I feel really bad about it. My boyfriend has never brought it up, and when I do he says he doesn't mind at all, but I can't help but feel bad. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): I'd like to add:
If you feel like hormonal birth control isn't for you (it's certainly wasn't for me!!), read the book "Taking charge of your fertility". It is VERY empowering. The fertility awareness method is 99.7 % effective when used properly (I've been using it for years and wouldn't have it any other way).
I also second the suggestions for therapy (maybe couples' therapy, too) and talking more with your bf :)
Best of luck, I know you will get through this!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, that's great advice. I definitely think I need to speak to someone about it because I feel I have this psychological block which I can't overcome by myself.
And I will definitely talk about it in more detail with my boyfriend.
Honestly, we tried doing other things, but it just didn't work out. In fact, I think I just start crying last time (can't even remember how long ago) and as you can imagine, that was very uncomfortable for both of us.
I'm not on birth control anymore but will consider taking it back up again. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2014):
 I think that is actually a VERY normal reaction. YOU (in your mind) associate SEX with the trauma you went through with the abortion. For you SEX = pregnancy = scary = trauma. So no wonder you libido is struggling.
1. I would suggest you seek some counseling for the mental side of having had an abortion. Even IF it was the right thing to do for YOU and your BF, it is still a pretty traumatic event, mainly for you. I think the depression might be a symptom of this trauma so to speak. Now I'm NOT a counselor and a psychiatrist, but it would make sense if it was. So talk to your doctor, or find a support group online where you can TALK it all out. Don't expect your mind and body to "just" get over it. It's not going to happen, you have to help your mind along.
2. You are in your 20's and have been together for 2 1/2 years so you two SHOULD be able to talk about this with each other. Now he MIGHT NOT want to talk a whole lot about the abortion, because he feels he let you down. He feels HE is to blame for it. He might ALSO associate sex = pregnancy. And if you aren't TRYING for a baby then well, he doesn't want to HURT you again. I think YOU need to express that you do NOt blame him for the accidental pregnancy.
My advice, TALK to your doctor. And, if you are on birth control then continue to use that AND USE condoms EVERY time. It will give you more of a sense of safety. Maybe even stop having sex for a while and focus on being intimate without the penetration. If you get my drift? Give each other massages, spend time together coddling on the couch. Focus on the two of you without the sex for a while. But TALK to your BF about it, get him aboard it too.
Last but not least, YOU need to STOP beating yourself up for this. You can look back and think, I should have done this, WE should have ..... OK. You didn't. There is no Tardis in your backyard, so you can't go back in time and fix it. OK? It happened. STUFF happens, it's HOW you deal with it that determines the outcome. You two have tried to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. THAT isn't working for you, so find a NEW approach.
You can do it!
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