A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, before asking my question, I'll give a 'little' background. I'll try to make it short :)Last year around winter I became closer to one of my friend's friend, and I fell in love, and after awhile he kissed me, and we started dating. I thought he actually liked me and wanted serious relationship, BUT.. he kept saying he is not ready for relationship, that he likes me but doesn't love, even though I never asked him if he liked me or not, at the same time he would talk about marriage and kids with me, when I never started any conversation about marriage because I am not planning to be married in the next few years, and marriage actually scares me. He told me he didn't want anyone one of our friends to know we were dating, cause they would start teasing, blah, blah blah, he has some insecurities. Anyways, since I didn't want anything that was not leading to serious relationship, even though I still loved him, I asked him to just be friends. We still spent a lot of time together, and then he asked me to be his friends with benefits, I said no. He would always flirt anytime we texted, I would flirt back (I regret I did). I gradually stopped initiating conversations with him, because it would always take him forever to answer a simple text, he would always bring up excuses that his school was busy even though later he would say his school was too easy, He then asked me again to be his fwb, my answer was no. It hurt a lot since I had feelings for him, but I decided to never ever text him again, he would be the one texting once in 2-3 months, and I would answer. Since last September, we have only met 3 times, all of the times with common friends. When he asked me the third time to be his fwb, I told him for the first time ever that I had never liked anyone like I liked him, and again said no to his offer, and after that I only saw him in June, never talked before or after that, and I would never go if we were not visiting SpaceX, and I could never miss that opportunity. I kept my distance from him, we had the tour, then I left for my school, didn't talk much to him.We both go to different schools and during this year, any time we have talked I never asked him to hang out with me, since I was sick of the way he treated me, but he would always say he wished he was not busy so we could hang out. Excuses! Anyways after visiting SpaceX, I promised myself I would not waste my time on thinking about him or hoping one day he'll change the way he sees me or he'll start liking me. So I hoped he would not text me again, and moved on with my life. Did a research project in my school during summer, met a lot of great people, started taking salsa lessons, hiking, running, fully concentrating on my school and making new friends. And a lot of the stuff would go on my Facebook page, especially the fun that we would have in my research project also in my salsa classes, lots of picuters. He had his Facebook deactivated, but a common friend whose family he lives with, saw all the activities, and once she was back to the city, I guess they discussed me, since her mom added me on fb right after she came back, and suddenly he texted the next day after her return. And I would not answer him if I knew it was him (I lost all my numbers awhile ago, so didn't know who said hi to me). After realizing it was him, I kept it short, so he even asked me if everything was ok between us, I said yes, why does he ask. He said so we could hang out one of these days. And I told him I was busy, with my research, and he offered once I am done with the research, I said I'll be busy again, since I have to prepare for my grad school exams. He wished me good luck, and I thought he would not remember me again. That was month ago. He came back to facebook recently, and yesterday he asked if I was still busy. And I said yes, very busy :D I am actually very happy that I can easily reject him and not feel the pain, I used to think I would never move on, he was the first guy I ever dated, I always concentrated on my school and always refused to go on dates with anyone whoever asked meSo I don't understand him, what does he want from me, I want to move on, and I think I am almost there to not care at all, and now he wants to suddenly hang out, when before he would give excuses that his school was busy and now his school started a month ago, and he is not busy as usual?! Also, since I don't want to see him at all, I am scared all my feelings for him might come back, is it ok to keep saying I am busy, since I want to make sure I am 100% concentrated on school, I don't want any feelings to interfere with my performance in school. At the same time I don't like being impolite. Thanks a lot and sorry for such a huge story. :)
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facebook, fell in love, flirt, friend with benefits, move on, teasing, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): I am the OP.Thank you sooo much everyone for taking your time to answer my question and for all your advice. I wanted to let you know that I thought for awhile and realized I have actually moved on, that I don't have any feelings for him anymore. You were all right, I was hesitant and deep in my heart hoped one day he'll change and love me back, but not anymore, I finally feel free of him and don't really care whether or not he'll remember me. Maybe one of the things that help me realize this was deactivating my facebook account and being totally disconnected from him and anything connected to him (btw I deactivated not because of him but because of school and not wanting to procrastinate by checking fb all the time). And now I not only stoped thinking about him, but I am so happy to be able to fully concentrate on my school and life. I have not been able to sit and study for hours in the last 1.5 years, but now I don't want to stop studying. I finally feel free. However, this was a big life experience for me and I learned a lot :) @Intrigued3000 I am doing my best to work on myself and to accept other men in my life, but I have big trust issues and I always reject any guy who asks me out and make up a stupid reason not to go on a date, and it's not because the bad experience I had, but I am just scarred to let myself fall in love, I am scarred to be hurt again, but I guess this will pass with time :). Thanks again for all the answers!!!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 It's not impolite to avoid being put in a comprimised position. He's try to get into your pants and nothing more. Hang tough, you don't need that conflict!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2014):
 Cut the contact 100%, don't fake a friendship that isn't THERE. He wants a roll in the hay with you, nothing more. Some uncomplicated sex. He KNOWS you like(d) him a lot so he was hoping to PLAY on your feelings to get SEX from you.
He can't be BOTHERED to date you, or even hang out - he's too busy...
And now that you're OVER him and haven't chased him, he decides that he doesn't LIKE the fact that you could just move on. It's an ego thing. Now you are too busy to BOTHER with him, he starts the chase again. He is HOPING to INVOKE feelings in you for him again, because he LIKED the fact that there was this chick who really liked him (even if she didn't want sex... yet).
When you write: (and I quote)
yes, very busy :D
It can easily be seens as tease, keep chasing me and who knows?! Drop using emoticone when you talk to him and be honest. Say yes, I am busy.
Or simply block him.
I think you LIKE that he is now interested, that he is giving you a little attention and checking out your FB. I agree with Cindy, that you are HOPING he will do a 180 and all of a sudden declare mad love for you and wanting to date you!
This is not a guy who is looking to date you. This is a guy who is looking to bed you. He might even come up with some cutesey lame things to say to get your knickers to drop. I think it's a GAME to him. Trying to see if he can SCORE.
Blocking him from your life isn't impolite. You don't OWE him squat. If LIFE would be easier with out him as a "distraction" why NOT block him?
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 I really like how you've handled him. You set your boundaries. I think you avoided heartache by avoiding this FWB situation. You have a good head on your shoulders. You're busy with your life and you're having fun. This is the best way to handle a guy who has commitment issues. Now why haven't you allowed yourself to like someone else? It's great that you're protecting your heart from this commitment phobic guy, but you should allow yourself to see who else is out there. You should allow yourself to play the field and enjoy the attention of other men. Forget this guy. He's not offering something new. He's still going to try and get into your pants. I don't think his intentions are honourable. Don't let your heart be stuck on only him. Open yourself up to meeting new men.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2014):
 Now, if he asked you 3 times to be his friend with benefits... what he could possibly want from you ...
Uh... sex ? :) That you do become his FWB, or maybe even just an ONS ?.
He keeps asking because he sees there's an opening, that you haven't shut ( or slammed ) the door on him. So he thinks that if he is persistent , he might even change your mind. He's got nothing to lose anyway. Dropping a text or e-mail every few months it's not a big effort , if you keep saying no, so be it, it's not as if he is suffering from not having you. If you say yes... his modest effort will be amply rewarded. Win-win for him.
No, it's not OK being so wishy washy and just saying you are busy . It sounds like you are tempted but hesitant, or that you are playing hard to get . If you don't want anything more to do with him, why not to be clear and final ? " No I don't want to hang out with you " " No thanks, and please don't ask again , it's not going to happen " " No, I am not interested ".
That's not being impolite, that's being assertive, and there's a difference.
Politeness does not require that you subject yourself to unwanted attentions having an obvious sexual undertone. Politeness does not mean that you have to be FWBs with any guy who asks you, or even go on dates , or just hang out , with anybody who asks you.
You can be the most polite person on earth and still have the right and the ability to make the right choices for yourself, and to choose freely who your friends and lovers are going to be.
But this is sort of self evident , I would say, so pardon me for suspecting that you aren't really worried about a breach of etiquette. I think that you do not want to " just say no ", once for all, or maybe even block him altogether, which would be a faster and simpler solution, because you sort of hope that if you do not shut him out, and just hang in there, ... maybe some day he will magically " change " and will want you for more than just a plaything. That he will tell you he has realized he has feelings too etc.etc.
Very unlikely, seen how it started and continued. I am quite confident that this guy is a waste of your time, and that having him flitting casually in and out of your life - and your Facebook - is preventing you from really moving on once for all.
So, develop some guts and tell him to let you be altogether. Or, just block him. Wishywashiness just will keep you stuck in illusions and regrets.
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