A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was having a conversation with the man I have been involved with for quite a while now and i told him that at times "I felt as though I was involved with a married man". Based on past behavior patterns that a lot of married men exhibit. His response to this statement was "In essence I am". So I asked him what he meant by his comment and he went on to explain how he has to be home every night to care for his Mom (his Mom does have Alzheimer's in it's early stages because she is still capable of doing for herself.She does have periods of confusion and forgetfullness)and he's worried that something may happen to her etc... Could it be that he is caring for his Mom and taking care of her, so that for right now as to why he can't have a "normal" relationship with me?Or could this man actually be married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): I am a full-time carer of my Mum who has cancer, and the pressures of being her carer are hard. My Uncle has Alzheimer's and my brother is his full-time carer, so I do have a pretty good idea on the pressures of caring for someone. Your boyfriend is doing a wonderful and extremely hard thing, and I know it is hard on you as well, as yes you do come second, my boyfriend comes second too. Fortunately for me my boyfriend is understanding and supportive, and even helps me when and where he can in caring for my Mum, it was his idea to do so, and honestly it has made me fall that much more in-love with him. I see my boyfriend as the most wonderful man in the world, because although he knows it's difficult, he loves me enough to understand that my Mum needs me and that I want to be there to care for her for as long as it is possible. If you don't mind coming second due to his Mum's needs for medical reason's and can be supportive and loving, I assure you that he will see it as you being the most wonderful woman who walks the earth. If you do mind, let him know now because it would hurt more later. Good Luck
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 You say you have been with this man for quite a while, and you also say things are pretty good. So if thats the case, why are you here asking for advice? Clearly, you hve doubts and need to be honest with yourself.
I would ask how many times you have stayed at his house, whether or not you have actually met his Mother, and who looks after her during the day while he is out at work.
I guess that if you feel you know him well enough, then you already know whether he will commit to you, whether he is caring for his Mother or not, and deep down, you know if you are a booty call or a girlfriend.
Honesty is always the best policy.
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A
male
reader, krishot2011  +, writes (11 February 2012):
i am younger than u are to advice but still i give u some pointers. If u really like him and love him, u should share his responsibility.it may change his opinion about you. Also u can verify whether he is married r not. But b honest. Dont act. All d best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea what I have with him is pretty solid.
He does have a degree of relationship phobia though.
I guess from being burned too many times in the past.
Other than the fact that I would like for what we have to be more(commitment wise)it's pretty damn good the way it is.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Hi
That is a lovely follow up. You sound like you have a rock solid relationship.
And I love his comment to you, that he's not giving you up without a fight. What a lovely man.
I think he is lucky to have your support.
regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never come in between him and anyone in his family.
And for the people that do such thiongs shame on them.
Family(regardless of what the relationship may or may not be between two people) always comes FIRST.
As far as me dropping him while this is all going on, I think he knows i'm NOT going anywhere.
In all the time I have known him I have gone through some real deep things with him and haven't left yet.
I even asked him if was willing to give up what he has with me and he himself said "not without a fight".
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 February 2012):
He is not doubt often tired, even though it is early days with this burden.
Alzheimers is a disease that can go on for many years. And it takes a big toll on carers.
And takes a lot of effort on the part of carers to think of everything, and still keep an eye out for anything that could pose a threat to the person with Alzheimers diesease
But it will become more so, as his Mom's illness becomes more serious. His Mom will become more anxious and more demanding, irrational and more needy with time.
I do hope he gets some additional support to help him care for his Mom as the illness worsens.
I think he is being truthful about caring for his Mom.
You are possibly his 'ray of sunshine' in what will become increasingly tougher - looking after his Mom.
He really needs to take some breaks occasionally so that his own health is not affected by all the things he will need to do to assist his Mom.
Try not to pressure him unduly. He wants to look after his Mom. She gave him life and now he is returning the favor by looking after her. He will not take kindly to anyone telling him to stop looking after his Mom.
If you do not mind coming second for a while and you are willing to be supportive to him while he looks after his Mom he may well come to see you as a caring wonderful woman with values aligned to his values.
If you do mind coming second until his Mom passes (Alzheimers is a cruel disease) and you are unwilling to be supportive of his aims regarding the fact that he wants to take care of his Mom and is aware that the demands on him will increase, not decrease, then best if you tell him now and find a new guy without these family demands.
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