A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I met my boyfriend, let's call him Dave, through my ex-boyfriend, who we'll call Bill, on an online game. After Bill and I broke up, we stayed in contact and have become good friends. I've known Bill for almost four years, and I've known Dave since 2009. Bill and Dave are best friends, and we all kind of hang out online at this game together, always Skyping and such. Dave and I had been dating since October 2010, and we dated in October of 2009 for about two weeks, but broke it off because of no contact. We still talked and flirted frequently in between October 2009 and October 2010, and he dated a couple people, I didn't. Now two days ago, Dave broke up with me. Saying "I'm tired of you and your bullshit. I'm done." I can never seem to do things right with him. I've never cheated on him, I never flirted with other guys, (or realizing that I did)and he would always belittle me and call me stupid. He's a very jealous person and he says he has something called APS, Avoid-ant Personality Syndrome. He told me that I didn't try in our relationship, and he says he tried, I didn't see it. I gave my uttermost effort EVERY DAY to that boy, and he couldn't see it? He said not to "put his business out there" so when I vented to a girlfriend of mine, Dave found out through Bill, and that was when he broke up with me. He has huge, (and it seems like impossible) standards that he wants me to live up to. He is 17, and I'm 15. He is EXTREMELY smart in every topic you could bring up, but I don't understand some of things I do wrong that really bother him. I'm in love with him, and have been for two years. I don't want to lose him, and if I can salvage this relationship I will. This is where I got confused-- We talked yesterday, and when he was texting me he said "You're weak. When you want something, you fight for it." I want him, and I'm willing to fight for him. But I don't know what that entails! Putting forth even more effort than I have been? I slept in this morning and I checked my phone to see a text from him: "You know if this is your fighting effort I'm gonna move on already."What does he want me to do? Is he leaving the door open for me? He's told me many times he loves me, and he is not the kind of person to throw that word around. I refuse to let him slip away.. I don't know what to do.Please, please help. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): I don't know what "fighting for him means". It probably means some expression of your love and obedience, probably not in a nice way, but in a way that will place you under his control.Now I realise you are young, so here are some truths about love (as opposed to the romantic tosh on TV and in the movies). People in love don't *ask* for proof of love from their partner. Rather people in love *give* proofs of their love for their partner. So if he were in love with you, he wouldn't be asking you to "fight for him", he'd be doing the small everyday things that make your life pleasant.Another truth about love is that it is a joy to be with someone who loves you (again, ignore the tosh in the Twilight books and movie). Are those text messages meant to cause you joy? I think not. So do you think they were sent by someone in love with you?Another truth about love is that it makes you grow. Are you feeling like you are growing. Or are you feeling downtrodden?Now a warning about intelligence. You can look at it as strength of the mind. Now just as strength of muscles can be abused to hit people, strength of mind can he abused to hurt the mind of others. What that person is doing is abusing his intelligence to make you feel small. He's doing that as a softening up step to dominating your mind. That's really the implication of "fighting for him" -- it's part of his program to control you.I got a PhD when I was 23. How do you think that makes people feel? So intelligent people don't parade their intelligence (which isn't to say that they act dumb). It's the same scenario as a strong tall man being in a lift with a short woman -- he knows that he is intimidating, so he does everything in his power to make the other person comfortable in his presence: a smile, a light joke. Someone that parades their intelligence is seeking to intimidate you just as surely as a biker's tatts.That boy isn't as bright as he pretends to be. People who are smart about a topic are enthused about it, they want to welcome the world into their interest. That is the nightmare of talking with an enthusiast. Your boy's behaviour is the opposite. Which makes me think he doesn't know the topic at all, but is using his knowledge as just another way to oppress you.In short, he is taking advantage of your inexperience in the world of real human emotions to seek to control you. That is not love. And the outcome is only misery for you. And when he's finished using you --- to stroke his ego, or serve his sexual wants, or have someone on his arm until someone he finds more attractive comes along --- when all that is done, he will drop you cold.So reject his challenge to "fight for him". Walk away knowing that you've avoided years of tears. Wait for a man where you rejoice at each incoming text.Don't despair at writing off two years. Imagine if you continued with him and had to write off six. Imagine if you placed yourself in his power with no way of escape and then Mr Right appears (and making sure there is no way for you to escape until he is done with you will be one of his priorities, I bet he already obsessively reads your Facebook, and I bet he'll ask for the password one day).
A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (6 March 2011):
Hi there - first thing I want to say to you is your very young and the notion of fighting for someone at your age seems a little silly. You should be free to meet heaps of people and experience lots of different personalities. This boy does not seem like the sort of person you should be hanging around with. On to my second point - be very very careful please. Very bright people can be whats called narcisstic (I hope I spelled that right). Narcissts only think of themselves and no one else. Its actually a mental disorder and can also be coupled with other behaviours that can in extreme cases lead to mass murder and murder. In my country a pretty young girl went out with this guy from university who was very bright but also narcisstic. He eventually murdered her by stabbing her with a pair of scissors 200 times. they have very little selve controlI dont know your boyfriend and I hope I'm wriong, but please consider what whats he asking you to do for him and just take a step back. if your worried about his behaviour please tell someone.Sorry to scaremonger - if hes ok in the head,hes still being mean to you and is that what someone whos in love does?? No
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