A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(Disclaimer: Apologies, this might get a little too long and quite detailed, but it's been bothering me non-stop for months.)Last August, I met a 34-year old musician who, it seemed, I shared similar interests with (We got to talking when he sat at our table and I praised his cover of a Johnny Cash song I loved).I wasn't physically attracted to Eric, but he was a great conversationalist, easily charming and exuded a kind of friendly confidence that I found myself quite drawn to, despite the age difference (I was 21). We exchanged numbers then, but I didn't expect this newfound connection to evolve into anything more than that, and was content with a platonic acquaintance. Also, interestingly, I found out that night that he was a music teacher for kids at the college I study at.Weeks passed and Eric would casually send me invites (through text messaging and Facebook) to his gigs. If I was free I'd check them out, but most of the time I wasn't. There were a few times we would watch some bands and bond over alcohol, and now recalling these events I remember him being inclined to sometimes be physically affectionate (a pat on the back, a squeeze on the shoulder, a nonchalant kiss on the forehead). I didn't find these episodes alarming or pervy; for some reason I thought they were endearing gestures. He did not seem like a pervert at all; as a matter of fact to me he behaved like a total gentleman. For instance: At a friend's gig, I ran into an old guy friend of mine. The said guy friend, who happened to be the closest thing to an older brother I could ever get, threw his arms around me and hugged me real tight, and to my surprise, Eric, in what seemed like a haze of protective jealousy, firmly placed his hand on the guy's arm and broke the hug apart. After that incident, I felt myself drawn to Eric even more: he was creative and intelligent with a great sense of humor, he had never tried to explicitly come on to me despite showing physically warm gestures, and he was being protective of me--this must mean something, right?Around October I felt our friendship didn't really go past the light conversations (which were all semi-trivial revelations and small talk) and mild flirtation. Then, one night, we went out with my best friend Shay; I had a little too much to drink and felt courageous enough to kiss him softly and tell him I was attracted to him. He kissed me back, but stopped to suggest we have coffee sometime within the week. I asked him if he was seeing anyone, and he said he was "not anymore". At least that's how I remembered it. I felt slightly disappointed at his answer, and also because then it dawned on me that despite the affection he showed, he wasn't willing to open up more of himself to me. To make things worse, it seemed like Shay's outspokenness intimidated or put off Eric: while I was buying cigarettes that night, she pulled Eric to the side and told him to take care of me because I was "fragile". How humiliating, because apparently Shay must have thought Eric and I were already dating exclusively, when that wasn't the case at all (At this moment I haven't yet filled Shay on the details of the undefinable state of my "thing" with Eric).So we went out for coffee one time, and got to talk about it. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, then apologized, and continued to say that he wanted "company, lots of it". To me this translated to sex, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. When he dropped me off that night, we made out. Midway through making out, he abruptly stopped and said he felt that it was wrong, and reasoned that he was a staff and I was a student. I couldn't see the point because we were in different departments and have very slim chances of being in the same room, let alone bumping into each other in college. Was he trying to let me down gently by coming up with some lame-ass excuse?But two weeks later, he asked me out for coffee once again. And this time, we started making out like crazy. We talked about having sex. His only concern about doing it was the drama that might ensue (drama, meaning emotional attachment that might possibly follow) and I assured him that we were both capable of viewing sex in this situation as a completely physical act. So he set two rules that we both had to abide by: The sex was happening just once, and that everything following that had to be drama-free. I agreed to this, but was concerned about the friendship we had somehow already established. I asked him if he had had sex with a girl and not talked to her ever again, and he said yes. I explicitly told him how much I wanted us to still be friends after sleeping together, and by "friends" I meant sex-free, makeout-free, guilt-free good times spent talking and hanging out. I recall him saying it wasn't going to be a problem.So by the first week of November, I showed up at his gig and that night he took me home (Here comes the plethora of questions about sex. Aghhh). I went down on him and was amused--fine, I was extremely shocked--to see he had a penile piercing (pearling) at the top side of the shaft. I asked him about it, and he said he had it for years. How could someone so gentlemanly have something so strange? I admit, it aroused me, but towards the end of the night the sex was disappointing (for both of us, I guess). He was tender, as I hoped he would be, but there was one major problem that got in the way.He was hard when I went down on him, but during penetration he'd lose his erection. There were certain moments he'd ask me to squeeze my vaginal muscles while he was inside me, and this bothered me incredibly because I felt that he didn't want to be rude but he was implying, as gently as possible, that my vagina was loose. I had never, ever, ever had this problem before.Throughout the night we tried, over and over again, but a couple of hours later I felt too devastated and weak to continue. What was wrong? Was he not attracted to me, now that we've taken our clothes off and laid in bed? Did he have certain expectations I was unable to meet (my boobs were a little too small for my big frame, and could my vagina actually be loose???!!!), or is it him with the problem? Was he on anti-depressants, was he just tired from the show, did he have a bit too much to drink that he found it difficult to maintain an erection? I know I'm centering on his orgasm--or the lack of ability to reach one--but it bothers me because this has never happened before with other partners.Awkwardly I had to bring it up, because I felt like a complete failure for not being able to please him. He explained that his penile piercing hurt so bad every time he tried to move inside of me, as my vagina was so tight--not loose--thus, explaining why he'd go soft. Now, should I believe this? Could this be true? He had the piercing for years! And, why would he ask me to squeeze my muscles while he was inside me? Was he just trying to be nice for fear of embarrassing me? What???Out of exhaustion I fell asleep beside him. I found it strange that he liked to cuddle, but it was also pretty amazing. All throughout the night while I took a light nap, his arms were always around me (we spooned). I know for a fact that most guys will not do this on one night stands, and a lot of men do not feel comfortable with cuddling. It was incredible, and I felt so close to him that night despite the disappointing sex (which I was so willing to overlook).I also noticed that, in the morning, while we were smoking in his bathroom and walking around his apartment half-naked, he continued to be affectionate. We would kiss, touch, embrace, hold hands, rub noses, etc .,despite not being in bed. Are these physical signs of affection genuine? Or does he just miss the feeling of physically being with a woman, with or without the sex? What did these gestures mean?Before taking me home, we showered together and tried in the bathroom for one last time for him to reach orgasm, but to no avail. While dressing up, he repeated his "no drama" rule, and we agreed we would not send each other sappy messages ("why don't you call me anymore?") just as long as we remained friends.The day after he wanted to meet up with me to hand over some morning-after pills, which, I don't think we needed because he didn't come anyway, but I guess he was just making sure that nothing goes wrong. I was out of town then, so he gave me some alternative pills to take just in case. That was the last conversation we had through text messaging.The messages and invitations stopped. Abruptly. After the sex.By December (almost Christmas), I bumped into him at a gig and did not feel any kind of tension or awkwardness. However, I felt as if he was trying to create some distance between us, as while chatting with me he excused himself politely, saying he was going to get a beer from the bar. He never returned. Later that night, he said goodbye, claiming he had a show to attend to somewhere in the city. I waved, and then texted him a message, "Good to see you. Take care." to which he replied "Likewise."By January I bumped into him at a coffee shop and I could have sworn there was some kind of tension that I couldn't explain. There was a quick exchange of "Happy New Year’s" a peck on the cheek and a hug, but that was it, nothing else.At this point I was feeling emotionally agitated, as obviously I had developed some feelings for Eric, and was hurt that they could not be reciprocated. The sex was not good at all, but why was I having all these feelings for him? Was it because he was gentle and warm and tender, or was this just my mind playing tricks on me?By February, I got extremely drunk at a party and texted him quite an embarrassing message that basically said I missed him, regardless of what happened between us, and that I did not expect him to reply to my text message. He didn't.I saw him a couple of times last month, but could not bring myself to look at him or approach him after the humiliating drunk text I had sent. Now, he sends invites to all our common friends on Facebook, but deliberately avoids sending me any.So basically,A. Prior to the sex, what where all those affectionate gestures about? Was he just simply trying to send out subtle hints that he wanted to sleep with me, or was he attracted to me more than just for sex? What did they really mean?B. His inability to orgasm--whose fault was that? Or rather, what caused it? Should I trust him telling me I was too tight, thus hurting his pierced penis (although I am more likely to believe the opposite), or are there other factors?C. Did he loose complete interest in me because we had disappointing sex? Did he lose interest in cultivating a friendship (that was supposed to be platonic from then on) with me, and if so, what are the reasons (aside from my drunk text)?D. Why can't I figure him out? Was his tenderness in bed a natural thing and meant nothing at all?E. Is there any way he could still be attracted to me? Is there such a thing as "holding back" and for what reasons? Does he still want me, or am I in denial of the obvious that he wants completely nothing to do with me?F. Will we ever be friends again? And regardless of this, how do I possibly move on?G. Is he a complete ass disguised as a gentleman? All I wanted, after the sexual encounter, was for us to be friends. Friends who still talk and hang out (which I deem is quite possible). But he created this wide distance between us that I refuse to understand.Sorry once again for this being too long but I've been thinking about this heavily for the past couple of months. Thanks to those who can contribute. It would mean a lot to me for people to give their two cent’s worth on this. :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMore than anything, I was just hoping I'd have a shot at picking up where our friendship left off, without the sex and all that. You really think he had this problem before I came along? I find myself doubting my abilities in the bedroom after what happened. Thanks a lot, though, for taking time to read this. Your help is much appreciated :)
A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 In my opinion this man has had this problem for a long time. It had nothing to do with you. Or his piercing. And I think he did really like you, he liked you enough to attempt to have sex with you, all the while hoping he could actually follow through with it. Hense all the pre-sex no drama warnings. But he couldn't do it and now he is embarrased by it all over again everytime he sees you or hears from you. And that is why he is avoiding you now. Please don't take it personally. He either has a bad case of ED or a coke problem. You didn't walk away from him because of it, he walked away from you so you have no reason to feel bad for him or to blame yourself.Let him go and move on for your own good.
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