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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: What do you do with an acquaintance who is just plain cheap and also invites herself? She and I see each other all the time because we're in the same homeschool group where our children go on field trips to the same places. Also, our children are in youth orchestra and attend the same vacation Bible School.Several of us parents go to dinner/lunch after evvents and we usually go to sit-down restaurants where there are complimentary chips/Breadsticks/rolls. ONE time, she said she couldn't afford to go so someone kind offered to pay for her meal. I think she created a problem! She now assume she is invited and is always asking if she can tag along. When no one could cover her meal, she noshed on Breadsticks the whole time and even nibbled off this other lady's plate. That lady told me later that it made her mad but she couldn't say anything because she was raised not to eat in front of someone who had nothing unless you were sharing so she felt guilty. Her husband only gives her just enough for an appetizer and she drinks water so she really overstepped in my opinion.It's gotten to where we all (six or eight) disagree. Some think she should get explicitly told not to come unless she's paying, some think we should all chip in so and some think we should take turns paying since she DoES usually order relatively cheap. I can't afford to help her because I can almost not afford to eat out myself as it is. Also, I don't want to encourage mooching. I think my acquaintance isbeing rude by inviting herself, knowing full well that she can't pay.I don't want to be the mean person who tells her not to come but no one is stepping up. It's gotten to where I almost just want to stop going but it's the only kid-free thing I get to do. I've talked to Chelle (the one who feels bad eating in front of her) and she is considering asking her husband if she can go with just me to another restaurant. The only problem is that if she catches wind, she may join us anyway, defeating the point. That, and I shouldn't have to leave the only social group I have outside church and family. Should I approach her and what should I say? Or should I just quietly switch restaurants with Chelle if her husband ok's it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2019): I would be extremely cautious about putting yourself forward to being the one to tell her, that may very well backfire on you. You tell her and chances are she will be upset and tell the others then who will look the bad one, her or you?
The truth is you don't know what her personal life is like and like you maybe she just wants to be part of something but her situation doesn't allow her to afford it.
Look why don't you stick to you can't afford it so own yourself only in it, never sit near her so she isn't likely to pick off your plate. Quite honestly if she is willing to go and is happy to eat the starter that's her call out, I have been skint in my time and sat eating little without any expectations from others so allow her to make that choice.
You are all defencive on this, why? Let her go without question,let her eat what she does and drink water, that's her choice, the only problem here is all your own conflicting guilt...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019):
In terms of etiquette, she initially did the right thing by saying she couldn't afford to pay; strictly, this is the correct thing to do if you are invited to any event that you cannot afford. If someone then offers to pay once - and only once - then it is okay to accept that one time. Any repeat of this is not good manners UNLESS something is offered in exchange; a favour of some kind like baby-sitting or something similar.
This woman clearly does not know the rules of etiquette. But I also think your group is struggling with these rules too.
The first principle of etiquette is NEVER use etiquette to play power games or embarrass anyone. The primary reason for etiquette existing is to encourage convivial relations and to ensure that NO-ONE becomes embarassed, even the person who lacks awareness of how etiquette works.
The kindest, and most well-mannered thing to do here would be to raise her awareness in a way that causes no embarrassment to her or to anyone else in your group.
Often, the best policy for this is to shift the focus of the issue.
So, at the moment, you are focussing on the fact that she alone doesn't pay and it makes you all feel uncomfortable.
In your minds, she is already starting to be singled out and you are on the point of either 'calling her out' or taking a more devious route, going behind her back to go elsewhere.
One strategy would be to shift the emphasis away from singling her out and away from the fact that she doesn't pay, and towards something like how can WE (ie all of us) think of and equally contribute ways to raise money for group outings that we each pay a flat fee for, upfront. eg. a day trip, or a trip to the swimming pool, or to a restaurant with a set menu etc.
In this way, the discussion allows everyone to talk about inventive ways to make more money, without singling her out. It could even also include discussion about trading skills through something like a 'time bank' - that is, some people may want to pay others money for tasks but some may want to trade time or skills. This can allow her to identify how she might begin making some extra pocket money for joining in with you AND, importantly, in that process, there can be some very gentle - and I really mean gentle - discussion about the importance of everyone contributing equally to things in a general sense, so that no one feels uncomfortable. Even though the discussion can be about raising funds for slightly 'special' events, the knock on effect will be that this should raise her awareness about contributing equally to more day to day events.
Can she make jam, sew, dog-sit, baby-sit, mow lawns, drive people to appointments, cut hair, do make up, flower arranging etc etc..? She must have something that she can offer to the group as a way of making a small amount of money for going out with.
Another possibility to consider is her husband; what do you know about him? Is he controlling all the finances and also her mindset? You may not know what he is saying to her in the background that might be making her believe that her behaviour is acceptable; naive people - and good people - can often stray into grey areas in terms of social etiquette, if they are being brainwashed or led astray by a controlling partner. And control can work in very, very subtle ways - the men who control women are not always the obvious, dominant, bullying types. She may not have even had the chance to develop her own sense of values and judgement if she has been bullied - and, oddly, people who have been bullied often end up getting bullied again, by groups like yours, simply because they make a mistake and no-one knows how to handle it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2019):
 I would be very uncomfortable sitting down to a meal in a group if one of the group could not afford to buy food but instead nibbled on complimentary bread sticks …. going somewhere for a meal that I don't have to prepare or clean up after is something I do to enjoy, I would not enjoy the above scenario.
I don't agree that others should chip in to purchase her a meal, for me this would become very stale, very fast.
I don't see a problem with you and another splitting off and going somewhere else together.
I would also consider suggesting to the group that every few months the lunch date between you all be taken to a public space like a park and you enjoy a pot luck picnic or something … surely the moocher would be able to supply the napkins as a minimum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): Easy! Barter for favors, keep her in-mind when you need a hand with something. Get an IOU! When she invites herself, and you can't afford to cover the tab; stop being so proud, just let her know you're short on funds.
Instead of gossiping amongst yourselves; politely let her know she has to cover her own expenses, if she wishes to come along. Be generous when you can! She just wants to hangout with the group; and you always go out together where you need to spend money. She wants to tag-along; but she obviously can't afford your frequent outings. If it's so much of a financial-strain, why are you going-out so much? Are you trying to impress the others? Are you all now forming a clique?
If it was all in goodwill, you'd all be honest with her. Which is worse? Being honest, or talking behind her back?
People only do what we allow them to do! If they're more than we can handle, or consistently display bad-manners; we have to disassociate and/or put distance between us. It's appropriate and fair to inform them first. It's cowardly to just dismiss them, or avoid them without a word! It's mean people who are abusive and cruel who require no explanation; because they want to be hurtful. She's broke, I don't think her intent is to be hurtful. She's probably needy. Easier to deal with. I repeat...just be honest!
If she isn't always doing it to the others, guess why she's mainly doing it to you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): I'm sorry if your acquaintance has financial trouble, but neither you nor your friends are obliged to pay for her meals.
Before talking to her, I'd talk to other members of your group. If there is more of you who do not want to pay for her, you need to tell it to the others and let them who wish to pay for her, do so. Let them see if they can manage it in the long run.
This does not make you (plural) bad people. No one has to know if any of you are also having some financial issues. This is not the only reason not to accept to pay someone's share at the restaurant.
I find it weird that this acquaintance does not find it weird to pressure people into paying for her. Going somewhere fully aware that she has no money and the just nibble on sticks and take food from someone else's plate. The fact that she is comfortable with it says a lot about her.
You need to talk to your group and make it clear that if they wish to pay for her that is fine, but that you won't or can't, whichever is more comfortable for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): Wow so this lady wants to hang out with you and your friends but she can't afford to eat out all the time so that means you don't want to hang out with her because that makes you uncomfortable. Your friend group are nothing special and I'm not sure why this woman wants to spend time with you all but she's obviously prettty hard up for company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): The kindest thing to do would be to invite her to the same do as you all go to and offer to buy her something to munch on.
If you don't know her financial circumstances you can't assume that she is just mooching off you.
She has a child and she is in your group.
Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way so as it's approaching the festive season I would chip in with anyone else who can and treat her.
Sneaking off with someone else is mean.
Telling her not to bother turning up is rather miserable in my opinion and sounds like bullying.
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