A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this guy who is also in my work for 6 months, he is 49 and I am 28 - things have been going great until recently - he has started playing mind games with me and I have no idea as to why. He broke his toe and was limping - I took care of him when he came out of the hospital but today he told me that he couldn't go for a coffee with me today - I thought 0 of it, then he tells me after work, that he has just come from another woman's house - a woman who is a nurse and that she gave him this toe massage etc.. I flipped cos he had not told me before, to take the sting out of my ego, he tried to offer me sex but I just ignored his mail. I told him if you want my trust you should have told me before but you messed up cos you told me afterwards, I don't want to be your after thought etc - I felt v rejected and when he appeared at my flat I ended up closing the door on his face - I didn't mean to and then re-opened the door cos I knew he was not well and stuff but then he went off angry and now both of us are ignoring each other - it gets worse, I had ovulation spotting and have been v sick around ovulation and am wondering if its a sign of imminent pregnancy!! - obviously I won't know until after 10 days or so...but the stress has got to me. He has never played jealousy games with me until now and I wonder if its all just a test. He tried to Skype me 2 days prior and pretend to be someone else to see if I would respond to them - but I blocked him not knowing it was him. But when he came clean it irritated me even more cos I felt he was just checking to see if he could trust me or not. I know he has been v v hurt in the past by his ex and so have I, he was madly in love with me in the beginning and used to chase me like a puppy in work..but now its dwindling into nothing. I know he has made more gestures than I have cos I was not sure how I felt about him. Tell me why on earth is this man doubting me so much - he says that cos he is older he is at an automatic disadvantage with me but I told him that was rubbish so I don't get why he is doing all these things - I guess he thinks he is clever...any takers on this one? and any solutions - I told him I found it disrespectful and that he should stop the games but I think a lot of the time he plays them as I barely ring him and stuff and he is just merely seeking my attention and stuff.. Any advice would be much appreciated - you would think an older man would not do these things..Thanks..
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his ex, jealous, limp, older man Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks Irish49 and anyone else who answers - what is stopping me from terminating this relationship is the fact that he really shows love - I think yeah his ex screwed up his head. She lied to him all the time and even faked a pregnancy so I can't really bring up the topic of children either cos its too sensitive and I don't want to hurt someone who was cruelly treated in a previous relationship. He is over her but I am not yet over my ex which is making me put him on the long finger - hence his suspicions - I think he had a co-dependent relationship with her and I had a co-dependent relationship with my ex which I do not want to go back in terms of repeating. I enjoy his company most of the time that is what is stopping me from terminating the relationship cos when its good its v v good but he is just spoiling it by these petty games. He told me if I gave him a commitment I would have a v easy life with him and stuff but I start to think that is all talk cos up till now he has just done nice gestures like planting stuff on my desk in work - or putting a chocolate bar behind the photocopier that sort of stuff..how does he want to control me? I am a v independent person and I think he is attracted to that part of my personality...would love your updated thoughts - thanks again!!! B
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): At 49, if he had relationship baggage from his past, then he should've been astute and mature enough to recognize that he was not ready for a love relationship with you, 6 months ago. Usually, the reason people fall for someone else so quickly, after dating...is they are desperately needy and insecure. When a person is that rushed to say they 'love you'...red flags should be going up.
So here he is, playing a game that some high school boys play with their gf's. Quite honestly, and I have to be straight up...he is showing the classic signs of a controller. He may not show signs on the surface, but it's there. As far as I am concerned, any type of jealousy games that people play... is really and truely about ownership, control, snooping and suspicion. All huge negatives and it really has nothing to do with love. This is his problem, not yours, to solve. If you were to talk to him about it, he will deny doing it, because he'll be embarrassed about being caught, showing a less commendable side of his character.
Jealousy puts a damper on a relationship from both directions. One grasps, the other wants to run. He's grasping and he suspicious. When someone loves you, a stifling tight grasp is not required. I don't know if telling him what you know, will help. It might be a good idea to calmly work his 'jealousy and control' beghaviors into the conversation when you tell him... it's over. It may help him make changes to himself, should he get into another, future relationship. So..yes, my advice...terminate this relationship. Sorry, I haven't better advisment, but I am seeing something clearly disturbing about this guy and the little antics he's pulling off. Not a healthy way to conduct a relationship.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do, hun but be strong.
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A
male
reader, MyDestiny  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 the reason he could be playing these mind games could be because of his ex grlfiend...she hurt him and i think that effected him in someway. and i think because he wants your attention and keep everything fresh and lively because he is much older than you
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