A
male
age
36-40,
*own in the dump dad
writes:What do you do when your partner of 12 years (wife for 2 1/2) suddenly tells you out of the blue she no longer loves, feels attracted to you and knows without any doubt this is how she feels?I busted her whilst she was on a night out texting someone she had met on the night basically after a sexual hook up, i got angry and told her to come home and talk about where this has come from. It got heated and ended in a row and i stormed out. The day after i came upstairs to apologies about my temper when all of this came out. I broke down and stayed away at her request while she had time to think - i dint see my 2 boys for a week under the premise that we would talk and try to work it out. However this wasn't the case and further upset to me followed when she told me she had slept with the guy after i had rumbled her for it and before she came home.Its now been 4 weeks and for the sake of the boys i am moving back in for christmas to give them as normal a time as possible. I'm going through the motions and finding it hard to keep my anger at bay now, but i still love her and would forgive and move past all this but her feelings havent changed - is this just her guilt over riding things? 12 years and not an ounce of willing on her side to work through it. We have a mortgage under a year in the house, and have now had the financial discussion and we both know she cannot manage to run the bills etc on the house. I can only help so much when i need to find money and supply my own accommodation but feel massively responsible as the boys home could quite possibly be sold from under them.Its a horrible thing to go through, especially near Christmas and i have no answers as to why she never spoke of these feelings sooner (like over the summer when they started) I was blissfully unaware of anything happening and thought with everything going over the summer that we were all happy - we had plenty of days out, time together and with friends, alone and together, everything we wanted we were working at and had finally got. She even took me away for a spa weekend and day away for my 30th birthday, we had an amazing time, laughed like we haven't for ages -had sex like we hadn't had for a long time and then a little over a month later -BAM! This happens.Any help or advise would be appreciated
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (31 January 2017):
Ok - lets look at this paragraph again:
I busted her whilst she was on a night out texting someone she had met on the night basically after a sexual hook up, i got angry and told her to come home and talk about where this has come from. It got heated and ended in a row and i stormed out. The day after i came upstairs to apologies about my temper when all of this came out.
Ok - so she just cheated on you, and you went to apologize?
There is your answer right there. Im going to be blunt, as usual. Your wife doesn't love you anymore because you have no backbone. No matter what she says, almost all women want a strong man brimming with confidence. By going to apologize after her enormous transgression shows she needs not have any respect for you, which is proven by her actions in the first place.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (28 January 2017):
If you leave your home you're a schmuck. Divorce the cheating skank and fight like hell for your sons.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016): It seems like you are the one being punished for this even though she is the one that cheated. I dont see why you cant see your kids for a week so she can think about things. They are your kids too. You also dont owe her to cover this up for her. You probably feel the need to talk to other people about this, dont keep it all in just to save her from embarassment. Stand up for your own interests and look after your own well being in this matter because she certainly isnt going to.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 Do you think she feels it was a stupid decision she made to get with another man? Because I don't think she does. I think she knows exactly what she was doing, but she got caught.
Look it does happen sometimes people fall out off love, there may have been signs but you just did not see them. You know need to accept that this marriage is over and work out what happens with the kids after Christmas. If she does not want to even try then my guess is that she has her eyes on someone else.
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A
male
reader, Down in the dump dad +, writes (12 December 2016):
Down in the dump dad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies all. Im not used to the forum chat things, and totally new to this shitty point in life.Moved back in this weekend as we agreed for Xmas for the boys, its been a little strained and not helped by an ill household, both been fine and chatty around the kids, and at times felt like the norm. Even in the evening its not been too bad, chatting etc... Not helped by the elephant in the corner. I've been looking at places to rent for after Xmas.I know things get ugly in separations, its the last thing i want, and i like to think we have enough respect for one another to resolve this as best we can, obviously people change as i have learnt but time will tell.The financial discussion has been had, as shit as it was; i know i can support myself in a property on my own and pay towards whatever the KIDS need. SHE on the other hand who ''doesn't want to sell the house for 12 months or so'' cannot financially manage; being the nice guy that i genuinely am (and lets face it, I must be because the crap things always happen to the nice ones) even broke it down for her to. The car would go, and any existing house related bills and debts would be down to her if she doesnt want to sell the house, no car means no access to work, which means finding a new job near home - easier said than done.Not a nice situation for anyone for something that she has no idea, or explanation as to where this sudden lack of feeling came from over the summer. Its all still a complete mystery to everyone - she swears blind the night out was a one off and i have no reason to believe its an ongoing thing and certainly wasn't anything that was started before that night out - the messages i read were proof of that.None of her friends or family know about the night other than the one who she was out with (who only found out last week and is now not talking to her) Her best friend who she told a week or so before she told me she had no feelings anymore doesn't even know - I think the shame of it all coming out would be too much for her. Her family are convinced there must be somebody else because she has no reason for not wanting to give it a go or a reason to where it came from. I'm not too sure, it wasn't a thought that came into my head - she works 3 solid days a week and has the kids the other 2 days, and goes out every now and again, doesn't show any tell tale signs to have been seeing anybody leading up to this, she doesn't carry her phone around with her everywhere, absolutely zero things have made me suspect, and the guilt on her face when THAT night gets mentioned is more than proof enough for me to tell me it was a very, very stupid decision to make.I'll check in again on here, nice to know there are people out there with genuine advice and im not going crazy on my own!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): Showing your wife that you are willing to move on without her is one of the only things that might help you get her back. Your best course of action here is about the same whether you get her back or not. Either way it's time for you to start proceeding as if she is gone. Start worrying about your paperwork and looking into divorce lawyers. My gut feeling is that she may try to clean you out.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 December 2016):
 Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position and lay sucker punched for too long otherwise the blows will becoming from left right and centre. Blows like I want the house,car,kids,saving,furniture and the cat. Not loving someone makes it very easy to turn nasty in order to get what they want or who they want out of the way. If she wants out let her go. Being told "I don't love you anymore" is a point of no return IMHO. Relationship indifference seems all too much like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. ' I love you, please forgive me I fucked up' may be worthy of trying to work through but " I fucked someone and I dont love you" is an entirely different thing.The first thing I would do is taking care of business when it comes to your kids. Second getting your financial ducks in a row. Thirdly, counselling for yourself. You have a lot to process.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2016):
 I'd wait til after Christmas, but maybe look into to Citizen's advice and see how you go about selling the house. The boys will be fine not living in a house their parent(s) own.
And then I'd look for new accommodation. I would NOT keep paying for a house so that SHE can live in it. That is not going to make your kids any happier. And then look into either counseling or start the divorce proceedings and visitation right.
Because she isn't willing to work through it, divorce might really be the only option because there is NO way I'd stay in a marriage like that. Having two parents is good for kids, but having two living together who don't GIVE an F about each other IS NOT. And they will STILL have two parents even if you don't live together.
And no you THOUGHT you were blissfully happy, she obviously was already cheating on you.
MY guess? She would have continued to see him on the side while having YOU take care of bills.
I understand staying for the boys, I REALLY do, but that also means YOU will be miserable and she still won't give a single F.
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