A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been married for almost 3 years and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I met my now wife when i was in the military stationed in Belgium and she is from Finland, we are now living in Ireland where she now works and i attend college. We have had several problems from the very beginning such as having cultural issues, and constant arguments about everything. I found out she was pregnant while i was visiting her parents in Finland... in fact her father brought up the idea of marriage, along with bein only a few short months away from having to leave the country due to military PCS. I felt pressured but i wanted to do the right thing. so i married her. I tried.. She has lots of good qualities but i just dont love her anymore. i feel almost repulsed whenever she enters the room and i never want to do anything with her. ironically sex is the best thing we have which is amazing, but it just isn't cutting it. I remember i use to be a happy fun loving guy, my old friends miss me and i am starting to miss me too. She is making me miserable even if she doesn't mean to. a few months back things came to a point where i was so miserable i started counting on one of my female friends from college to cheer me up. I don't meen sex or anything but we obviously connected in ways where we could talk and share things in a way i never even can with my wife. bottom line: recently my wife saw an e-mail heading where i called her a pet name. i realize that pet names indicate cheating.. i fully accept this as my heart was in it. In Ireland everyone acts this way as it is their custom but its no excuse for me but an acceptable alibi for my college friend and my wife accepts her behavior now too. I realise i did it because of the problems i am having and i also realize in order to leave my wife i have to leave my best friend from college as well.... and I don't want to ruin my young daughters life but i feel that my and my wifes relationship isn't doing that good for her anyways. I'm going to a marriage couselor tonight with her but i dont expect miracles... to me it seems like i am just flipping a coin here. We acknowledged that there were issues a few months ago and i agreed to make a good honest try at it.. but the only way we can get along is i pretend to be a labotomy patient and totally shut out everything. The less i say the better.. the less i think the better.. but that is just killing me! I don't want to be a cheating creep, if it were as simple as turning on an "i love you" switch i'd do it. but it isn't. so what do you do if you are married with a young child where the love isn't there? i am so afraid that if i leave her she'll take my daughter to finland and i will never see her again.. she says she wouldn't but y woulndn't she? i don't know what to do anymore. any help you can give from experience? I have no more money as i blew it all setting up our life here and i don't want to be a leach either. even if u don't comment anything thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Yep. So may I dare ask what your childhood home was like? What was the relationship between your parents like?
You can share things with your wife you just are too lazy or it is something else that is a barrier as to why you believe you cannot talk to your wife. Relating and developing communication takes time, commitment, honesty, and action.
That whole being a labotomy patient is your doing, you perceive it and it may not be what wife wants or desire...in fact I gaurentee it is not what she wants.
Wife wants to be the woman for you. She wants to make you happy but if you yourself don't know what will make you happy and you don't figure out why you are repulsed at being happy for once and having love and friendship and happiness...you will keep running away from a normal, healthy, safe, loving adult relationship.
It's that whole spark thing that songs and hollywood have transmitted that true love means pain and suffering...which is absolute crap. I can't stand soap operas...that isn't how loving, healthy, well adjusted, confident, emotionally secure adults love one another.
So do stick with the counselling for the sake of daughter. She needs her Mom and Dad to work this out so that she can grow up and have a healthy, successful life where she has two reliable adults in her life-give her the security and comfort you never had.
Best Wishes.
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