A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help, I need people outside the situation to give me their best advice.My (now) ex boyfriend's emotional affair is out in the open. I found out about it through doing detective work. Here's what happened.I was extremely busy in my career last year. This longtime friend of his, a girl I didn't like him spending time with, because I knew she liked him more than a friend.. who he texted/emailed occasionally, had problems with her ex. They talked about it and he gave her advice. All without telling me about it. I knew they talked, but not about anything substantial.. only about a couple of mutual hobbies they have etc.A few weeks later, she came to stay in the city (she lives a few hours away). They hung out a couple of times.. went for drives and talked together, all while I was busy studying. I never found out about this.On a business trip a month or so later, they went to a party together at one of her friend's places. I was not told about this. They texted each other regularly.. but not all the time.. then, a few months later, she came down for the weekend. He told me he wanted to do his own thing that weekend, and they went to the movies together, but only to come across mutual friends of ours, hence how I found out about it. He said he had turned his phone off later in the night when I was trying to call.. and I can pretty safely assume they were out driving around talking together.The texting contact increased for the next few months. They were talking all the time about what they were up to and how life was going for each other. Then, he was taking another business trip and stopped in to visit her and they grabbed some tea together in town and had another long chat.A couple of months later (this is now eight months in total), she started seriously hinting at wanting a relationship. He finally realises the situation he's gotten himself into and tells her he can't have a relationship with her.. that I am in his life. A few weeks later, it's Christmas.. and she comes back to the city to visit her famiy, but comes down a week earlier to convince him to take her on as his girlfriend. He picks her up and they go for a drive together, while he explains this can't go any further. He cares about his friend and doesn't want to upset her. He tries to end things amacably. But a few days later, he gets a text/call from her in tears wanting to meet up again.. he meets her.. they talk again.. and so on in the coming weeks. He tries to keep her calm, afraid she's going to do something drastic, or hurt herself if he doesn't let her down gently. She's been beaten by her ex boyfriend in the past and this has mixed her up emotionally and she's distraught over what's currently happening.They kiss once, but it's awkward and more of a goodbye kiss. I see him getting into her car as I'm passing his house on the way back from the movies late one night.. I hack into her My Space account to see what's happening and see all the dates of when they'd hung out.. which was really only half a dozen times. I wipe him from my life, but we meet up again two months later because I decide I need to hear what happened from HIM.. the person I considered my soulmate for my entire adult life. I then realise they shared just one kiss.. and NO sex.. he says he realises now it was an emotional affair, but at the time just thought of it as regular contact with a friend, but he knew I wouldn't like it and so he kept it from me.He has absolutely not a doubt in his mind that he wants to make it work with me. He has lost weight and been grieving over the end of us. He's not thinking about her, only me.. and she has finally left the picture completely. It's made us (who had in the past 2 years become more like just best friends) realise our feelings for each other and all the love that's there. I get excited to see him now when I know I'm spending time with him, but my fears and insecurities plague me when I'm alone.When I'm not spending time with him talking about things, my mind is wandering.. but when I hear him explain what happened, I know he's being truthful with me NOW.. but I can't get past the lies.What do you do if you love someone so much and otherwise had a great relationship (well, for the first 6 years).. but you feel you'll always be plagued with feelings of betrayal? Do you walk away? Is what he's done unforgiveable? It may as well have been a full blown sexual affair with the amount of hurt and anger I feel. I want to get past these emotions but don't know if I ever could.Am I just being a doormat? Would you take someone back in this situation? Has anyone ever gone back to someone after something like this and had a happy ending? I'm willing to put the work in, but I'm in my late twenties and really don't want to waste any more time in a relationship that could just lead to nowhere.Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Wow! Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice, especially QueenKatie.. thank you for opening up about your own experience. It means a lot :)I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through all that while helping your mum fight cancer.. must've been unbearable pain for you :(Grief is a wierd thing.. some weeks I think I can put the past behind me, but others I just feel weighed down by feelings of betrayal and rejection. At first, when you find out it's only an emotional affair, you feel relieved.. but then soon realise it involves the same deceit as a sexual affair. It's the lies that are so hard to grasp.In answer to your questions.. no.. I have never had reason to mistrust my ex EVER. He was my rock.. he has been there for me during every difficult time in my adult life. He has shown loyalty, love and patience with me when even my own dad said, "I can't believe he's stuck by you." I've been through hell in my life being an anxiety sufferer.. being bullied at work.. going through a yearlong period of depression.. I've been let down a lot in my life.. but he was the one person I trusted whole-heartedly. That's why this has shocked ME and EVERYONE I know. He's just not the type of guy you can label a 'cheater'. He's not a ladies man or a pretty boy. He's the boy next door, helpful and dependable type. We spent everyday together for nine months before we even kissed. We grew from best friends to lovers. We came together so naturally with so much love and affection for each other. Things happened in our lives that put a strain on how we related to each other, but I had 100% confidence that he would've never hurt me. I can't even think of ONE time he's EVER belittled me or made me feel terrible about myself :( But I just can't get past this.. it's too painful to bare. How do I take this guy, that I had on a PEDISTOOL as being almost perfect in my eyes.. and put him into the CHEATER/LIER category.. he just doesn't seem to fit, yet he DID do these things I say in my original post :( It's so confusing.
A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 This seems like a huge amount of going behind your back and keeping this a secret from you. I'm usually the first to say give them another chance, but again... this isn't exactly a "heat of the moment" lapse in judgement, this is calculated planning an execution. Was he looking to completely cheat? No, probably not... but I think the biggest issue in question here is TRUST.
You don't trust him, nor should you right now. Can there be a happy ending? Definitely. Will there be? Depends on him, 100%. Has he had ANY past record of anything like this whether it's with you, a past love, or even family as far as lying or deceiving? I wouldn't label him completely a cheater, it's the lying thing and not even recognizing at that time what he was doing as wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): I am sorry to hear you've had such a difficult experience. My ex-partner had an emotional affair after 15 years of our being together, and it took me a long time to get over it. I found emails in which he talked about me in a really disrespectful way, while confiding his 'deep emotions' in her. It really hurt me, because I had bent over backwards to help him through a patch of depression, in which I was left as the sole worker, cook, cleaner, housemaid and nurse at a time when my mother also had cancer. I could endure anger and even violence from him, but this just killed all my love for him dead. When I confronted him about it, I couldn't even speak or stand with the shock of it. You sound like you have dealt with it with a great deal of maturity and admirable strength, and I take my hat off to you for that.I feel like I should mention my experience for two reasons. Firstly, to tell you that I know what you're going through, and how painful it is and to reassure you that you're not overreacting. Secondly, because my experience probably colours my answer, and you should be aware of that fact when you read it! Other people may be able to be more objective. There are three central questions that spring to my mind:1. Can he take all the requisite action you will need for reassurance? If you guys get back together, you will have every reason to mistrust him. While you will have to put those feelings aside, he must also do absolutely everything he can to ensure that his emotional state is utterly open and transparent. That may mean giving you the passwords to everything - his facebook, his myspace, his email, his phone etc. And it most definitely means that he has no contact with this woman ever again (my ex's refusal to do this was a major factor in my decision to leave him). He has broken your trust and in doing so he has forfeited his automatic right to privacy. Trust is important in a relationship, but once someone has broken it, it should no longer be blind. It may take you some months before you are able to give him that privacy back and reestablish your old level of faith in him, and he must be patient with that.2. Can you forgive him? Are you able, emotionally, to put this behind you and give the relationship a second chance, subject to some sensible caveats (see above)? Now, by this I do NOT mean that you never feel jealous, or insecure. You're bound to feel those things at times. But are you able to get those feelings under control and keep them within limits, or will you be consumed with pain and insecurity as long as you are with him? 3. Are you both prepared to put in some really hard work to get things back on track, and to see this as a kind of longterm project? I also think if your relationship is to stand any chance at all, you will need to work through your feelings of betrayal, and his feelings of guilt, with a relationship counsellor. You need a 'safe' environment in which you can explore the extraordinary pain that this has caused you - otherwise it's likely to come out as aggression and anger, which will ultimately tear you apart. As for the 'doormat' question: being a doormat is doing what other people tell you to do (and that includes feminists) against your own wishes and better judgement. You're not necessarily weak, or a traitor to your sex, if you do decide to take him back. And don't let anyone make you feel that you are! However, I think you're right to take time over this decision and to approach the situation with caution. I am not sure that what he's done is utterly unforgivable - I do think some relationships can survive an emotional affair, provided both parties are prepared to put rebuilding first. But it is difficult to forgive, and it will take time to get over it. The question is: is the effort worth it? Only you can decide that.
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