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age
36-40,
writes: A while ago, I came across a blog entry from a male musician on MySpace. It was about how men should be treating women with more respect and courtesy, and how women are not objects, and so should not be treated as such. I was liking the whole idea until I read the part where he said, “Guys, when you go out and you see a girl who looks great, go up to her and tell her! Tell her she looks beautiful!” Lots of women had posted comments in agreement with him, saying that it would make their day, it would be flattering, and that any woman would love it if a guy did that. And I just sat there thinking, “Err...am I the only person who would find it weird and uncomfortable if a guy did that???” So this prompted me to have a discussion about it with my mother, and it got me thinking about men and women in general, how they treat each other, and how they would like to be treated by each other. In particular, how women would like to be treated by men when they are out and about. Now, I am not saying this is how every woman feels, or what every woman thinks or wants. I am not speaking for women everywhere. I am only speaking for one woman, that woman being me.Firstly, I have never gone up to a random guy to tell him he looks great. The idea of doing so is just... kind of disrespectful to me. Like I would be making a fuss over one guy simply because I think he is pleasing on the eye. It seems shallow. Just because someone looks good, they might not have the nice personality to match. In my eyes, it would be the equivalent of me viewing the poor guy as an object. A physical thing, nothing more. And that’s how I feel about random guys coming up to me and saying something about my appearance. I know I must sound really touchy now, like, how dare you compliment me?! But hey, I never said this article would make sense! It is nice to receive compliments I guess, but I only find that comfortable from people I know. Coming from a stranger makes me feel like an object to be viewed. So I found it ironic when that guy on MySpace said “Women are not objects!” and then said “Tell a random woman today that she looks gorgeous!” Erm, wouldn’t that be seeing her as some sort of object? Don’t those two sentences contradict themselves?Another thing I’ve been thinking about is manners between the sexes. And about how some men I’ve spoken to say they are confused about how to treat women. For example, I have heard men complain that if they don’t hold a door open for a woman, they get told that there are no “gentlemen” around these days, and that a lady should have the door held open for them. But if they DO hold the door open, they get a lecture about equal rights, and about how women are equal to men and don’t require special, patronising treatment. So men can’t win! Men don’t know what women want! Well, you know what? I don’t think we do either. I certainly don’t.Okay, me personally...I admit it. If a guy doesn’t open a door for me, or let me go ahead of him in a queue, or offer me his seat on a crowded bus, or allow me to walk ahead of him off the bus first...then I do think, “Huh! Charming! There is a lady here you know! Where are the gents?!” But if a guy does open a door for me, or lets me go ahead of him in a queue, or offers me his seat, or allows me to go ahead of him off a bus...I admit, I don’t feel grateful at all. In fact, I resent it. WHY, I hear you men all scream? Well for me, it’s because I feel suspicious of the guy’s motives. Like, is he really doing this out of courtesy? Out of simple nice manners? Or is there something else going on? Is there some kind of hidden agenda? The thing is, it can be very hard to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely being pleasant, and someone who is trying to be creepy. Some examples...once on a crowded bus, a man moved his possessions off the seat next to him so I could sit down. I gratefully did so. I then spent the rest of the journey trying to lean as far away from him as possible, while he tried to touch my leg and put his arm around me. I could not get off the bus fast enough. Another time, I was waiting to get off a bus, when a man stopped and gestured for me to go ahead of him. I did so, and he then proceeded to stand so close behind me he was practically pressing himself against me. I felt like climbing out of the window! Sometimes I find a guy will open a door for me, and then he seems to think he therefore has the right to ask me lots of insanely personal questions about myself. These are just a few examples. But after it’s happened a fair few times, you start to wonder if every polite gentlemanly gesture is going to be followed up by a more creepy unsettling action. I really hope I don’t sound sexist here, because I am not trying to be! I know not all guys are like this. Some are genuinely nice, and are not trying to take advantage of women at all. But because of the experiences I have had, it makes me very suspicious now when a man tries to be a gentleman. I know you poor guys are in a dilemma here. But do you also see our dilemma as females? Okay, so maybe I have just been unlucky in my experiences, but I do sometimes wonder if other women feel the same, and if so perhaps that is one of the reasons why we can be so confused about how we would like to be treated. There may be other factors, certainly, but this mistrust issue definitely plays a part for me.Okay, so that was about it! I don’t think I was actually trying to make a point with this article. It was just a topic I had given some thought to, it interested me, and so I thought I’d share my ideas. Again though, I am not trying to be negative about men at all! And I am not trying to speak for all women, only myself and how I feel. And I don’t think this article is to be taken in a very serious way either, it was supposed to be light and humorous! But I just thought I'd share my random thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the additional comments! I'm glad my random thoughts on this have intersted other people! I'd just like to point out though that I am NOT complaining when men are polite and do things like hold doors open. And I absolutely agree that it is simple good manners, and not exclusively something men should do for women. I think it is nice for all of us to try and be polite to the people we run into in our lives, men and women, young and old. I guess I just wanted to share some of the unfortunate experiences I have had though, to explain why it may seem like the gestures are unappreciated or treated with suspicion when they come from men.
Thanks again for the responses though, I wasn't sure if anyone would be able to relate to any of this, so it means a lot! x
A
male
reader, mygambit  +, writes (11 April 2010):
When it comes to being chivalrous to woman in general. i think holding a door open for woman when your in front of them is not only nice but what your soppased to do and if she does not appreciate the kind gesture forget about it and move on with your day. i was raised to treat people how you want to be treat now just woman and yes at a store or a restaurant i will hold open a door for guy too to be nice.... not because i want to be in his pants eww. Right now i am married and i do things around my house that my wife does not because i guess i am the man of the house rather i know that sounds cheesy i will mow lawn carry in the groceries for my wife etc. OK the only thing i don't do in my house that a normal mad would do is fix things i am honest she is Mrs fix it and i do everything else that is so called manly. going back to telling a complete stranger she is beautiful i don't think i ever could i am to shy of a person in the beginning to make a comment like that i like to know what the other person is like in your case if they are beautiful on the inside as well the outside. i have told woman who are just friends or coworkers they look nice or even flirt a little bit and call them hot or some other flattering remark but stop after that. i guess if people in general don't like that i am polite and open or door for them or move a seat off the bus its not my problem i am who i am and they are who they are i am not here to make friends or enemies to complete strangers but live my life day to day enjoy want i can.For give the horrible grammar sorry another skill don't posses and my wife does lol
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female
reader, cnith +, writes (9 April 2010):
 I think it depends on the girl and the guy. Some creepy looking guy comes up to me and says I'm beautiful I'll say thanks then move the hell on rather quickly! A normal looking guy, whether he's a nerd or a supermodel tells me the same thing and I'll say thanks and smile. I will probably still move on but not as quickly.
But I'm not a feminist. I hate feminists. They've ruined all the good things about guys for me. I like them opening doors and pulling out chairs. I like them doing junk for me. Changing a tire, whatever it is. I don't feel weak or objectified. I'm lazy, let someone else do it. I'll openly admit it. :D
If you, yourself, know you're not an object, you won't feel like anyone else is treating you that way either. It's all about perception.
That being said, the ONLY reason I don't tell a guy I think he's pretty/hot/beautiful is because I'm hella shy. I do it all the time online. I have posted often that I think someone has a great picture. I can't do it in real life, but I'm working on it. And you know what? Guys DO like it when girls make the first move. I have years of hanging out with guys who tell me that so it's got to be true. :)
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Or old men.. it's just nice to meet guys who got some manners..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 April 2010):
Strange guys come up to me all the time and tell me I'm beautiful... it's nice to hear and always makes me laugh... guess they are right when they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
And yes, if a guy is downright handsome or pretty, I've been known to tell him so. Flowers are beautiful, so are people.. I tell women they are pretty, so why shouldn't I say the same things to a man. Bring smiles and happiness to this poor mistrustful universe, that's my current plan. I also tell dogs,cats and parrots they are beautiful, but then that's just me..
Opening doors, yep, do that for everyone, it's only politeness as far as I'm concerned. But yes, I do get a special buzz when a young man, a young male teenager or kid dose this too me, just makes me feel like a lady, kinda special and thankful that they took the time to make me life a bit easier.
A man who wants to buy my drinks or pay for my meal or carry my bags is a very different kettle of fish and will catch the edge of my sharp tongue. I can pay my way and carry heavy loads to match any man.. (apart from Arnie Terminator)
Treat me as me... cause I believe that we are all very unique.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses! I'm glad my thoughts on this made sense, and that I'm not the only one who has these views. $izZle, you are right, I think I may have just had some unlucky encounters. But I can imagine how this can make it harder for the genuinely sincere guys, as they will have all that mistrust and suspicion to get past! Thanks for your thoughts!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): hmmm ive had such experiences as well, guys leaning in too close... sometimes it happened by accident and i know when it did. i wudnt want strangers coming upto me and telling me anything.. i wud be seriously bothered. hate that. if i know u then its okay... random guys dont try it.. the world has changed so it will just creep me out..
but yea if we do know each other then treat me nicely...
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A
female
reader, huffygirl88 +, writes (1 April 2010):
I would think that if some guy came up to me and said that i was butiful i would think back up i dont even know your name but thank you but who are you.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (1 April 2010):
 Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts, I hope the other readers did enjoy this article as much as I did. As for the post that you mentioned earlier, the one that you came across myspace I do find it to be creepy for a guy to just come up to a gal and tell her that she is beautiful point blank when he hardly knows her, it would be more elegant and most certainly charming if he were to find out who she is by maybe engaging himself in a pleasant conversation with her make her laugh and then show her that she is beautiful through a friendly gesture just before he leaves... I'm sorry to hear that you have had to go through some instances in the past that might have made a bad impression about most guys, but there are some guys who are actually nice to the ladies not because of their selfish deeds or to be polite, but simply because they are gentlemen and maybe they just wanna treat a lady like the way they are suppose to be treated....with no motives. I'm sure that there are very few of those around, and to be honest with you they actually have a tough time with the ladies. I hope someday you will find a guy like that :) have a lovely weekend...
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