A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why do women so often say they want things that aren't the man himself, e.g. clothes, tatoos, car, house, money, job, hairstyle?If you ask a man what he really wants, he wants a good looking, healthy woman who doesn't actually need makeup, or nice clothes (ones that show her curves are good though, but then that's really about her body not her clothes). Is innocent in public, vixen in bed. Isn't too emotionally weak, nor too strong. And is supportive of him. There's nothing that is not her.Some men who are really good with women don't seem to have anything though. So for these men, women say they want such and such, but it doesn't apply to them and they get heaps of women. Huh?! Is every item I listed at the beginning of this post actually BS? Are they only 'nice to have' things, and aren't super important?
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female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Oh my goodness! I have omitted a sense of humor...and the ability to forgive. Two very important things. :)
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (30 September 2010):
He must be thoughtful, faithful and dependable.Able to withstand my strongwill (cant abide a wuss). He has to be a good provider. (not be wealthy, may even be poor, but a man who gets up and goes to work everyday, doing what it takes to provide a home) a man who will hold my hand during hard times, and dance in the yard under the stars when the mood strikes. A man who loves children, has the same outlook on the future. One who sees my flaws and looks at me as if I have none. Compatable sex drives and sexual attraction. A man who makes me feel alive and safe and yet excited. A man who has convictions and passion. A man strong enough to stand alone if the situation arises, and yet 'weak' enough to cry. all of this is just a scratch on the surface. we want someone who is real! :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Julie fo fulie asks, "can't we say the same for what men want?"
I really should have added that men in general don't have a clue what they want either. Having said that I can't say my opinion of what men want is valid.
I also appreciated Julies remarks about trust. Regardless of what the initial attraction is if there isn't trust it won't last long.
FA
Oh, one other thing. I thought that "chemistry" was just a code word for sex. I'm missing something here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Well a man could have all those things, money, good job, good hair, nice car, a dope tattoo, and still be completely unattractive to the wrong woman. What is important to a woman depends on the woman.
In general, perhaps you hear women be more verbal about things like material possessions and career choices because we are much more likelier than a man is to think about the future when meeting guys and potential suitors. We think about the future and the right guy to have children with. We think about marriage. Often when we size up a guy we place value on things like that because we are thinking about how well this guy will be in terms of sticking around and providing well for her and her kids should they go down that road. We can't help it, we think that way.
Men, on the other hand, tend to postpone commitment, you guys have other things on your mind when thinking of girls, so you place importance on different things when choosing women. You are not thinking of children and marriage and the future. We do. And if we get involved with a guy, we want to make sure he will be a good husband someday, a good father, and often the way we initially judge that is by measuring his financial success, his career success, etc.
You'd be surprised at how many deadbeat dad's there are in the world. It is much more common than you think. Women size up things like that as almost like a safety net. But like I said just because a man has all those things doesn't secure she will fall for him. But that is pretty much the rationale behind it in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (30 September 2010):
 it comes down to chemistry
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 September 2010):
 It's different for every woman. You generalize with what men want, but that's not what men want, that's what you want. You shouldn't generalize for all men, just like I can't generalize for all women. Furthermore, like what Moo's Mum said, what you listed are very superficial features. I'm sure you want other more complex things in a woman than her appearance and bedroom skills, just like a woman will want the same. At the root of everyone's desire is chemistry. So even when someone meets someone who fits all those traits in a checklist, it's the chemistry that decides who you'll fall for. Also remember that looks and bed skills are not ever lasting. A deep connection with someone else is. You can't predict who you'll be a good match with, you might end up being a better match with someone who's the exact opposite of your "ideal" appearance.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Women want social dominance. Whether that's in the form of money, mainstream status, fame, thuggery, quiet confidence, or excitement depends on the chick and on her age. Social dominance is a somewhat broader category than simple confidence; it has to affect the people around you.
Tattoos, clothes, a car, a house, etc. are all indicators of one or more types of social dominance.
More importantly, social dominance is relative. A guy will see a woman and say "Wow, she has a nice body, isn't crazy, and is pretty smart," and be perfectly satisfied. Women want the best guy in any given situation.
Ever notice that the guys who get tons of women never let anything bother them? That they tend to be the most noticeable person in a room, even when they're quiet? That it's never just one chick who's into them, but most of the ones in the area?
The one other trait these guys have is that they will never make a woman feel judged. Women hate judgment, especially when they deserve it - obviously, men are no fans of being judged, but that affects their social situation in different ways and is not germane to this question. Sure, most of these guys judge women much more harshly than any "nice guy," but they don't show it.
All the nice traits like honesty, loving women for who they are, or even loyalty to her are simply traits that they wish to add on to someone they are *already* attracted to. So they want a rock star who won't lie to them, not just any guy who won't lie to them.
Of course, the vast majority of men do not understand this characteristic, and the vast majority of women will not admit it exists. So, never listen to a word women say about what they want. Rather, observe the behaviors of the guys they sleep with, and try to find the core of what works about it. The asshole doesn't get chicks because he's mean, he gets chicks because he is not afraid to offend, and because others try not to offend him.
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A
female
reader, juliefofulie +, writes (30 September 2010):
 I'm generalising here... in my experience, a woman who picks a Bad Boy has unresolved Daddy issues. It has very little to do with the BB himself or what he brings (or most likely doesn't bring) to the table, and all to do with her baggage. A healthy woman wants a man who will let her be herself, and not try to change her. A man who has a healthy relationship with his family (or one who has the courage to break away from a toxic one). A man who will listen to her, and respect her opinions. A man who is trustworthy, and honest, and expects the same from her. A man who is willing to bend, but not break. A man who apologizes when he's wrong, and stands up for himself when he's right. A man who follows up on a promise. A man who does what he says he's going to do. A man who knows what he wants from life, and goes and gets it -- even if that thing is working in a record store. A man who remembers the favorite book from childhood she mentioned once 6 months earlier and buys it when he sees it on ebay. A man who shows some backbone. A man who doesn't blame his problems on others. A man who takes responsibility for his own happiness. A man who cleans up his own messes, both literally and figuratively. I could go on and on...Excitement and security: spot on. Can't we say the same for what men want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I'm a bald, naked, unemployed, homeless guy and yeh those things you list like hair and clothes sure are nice to have BUT I still get plenty of chicks. I think its the tatoos that swing it for me.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 September 2010):
As near as I can tell Women don't have a clue about what they want. I read a list of turn offs the other day. It looked to me like a how to be a Bad boy check list. And I know that Bad boys get girls. A character in a movie put it best when he said, never take advice about women from women.
Now that I have that out of my system, What women want most is excitement and security. Now those two are sometimes exclusive of each other. So the trick is to be exciting enough and safe enough. After you have that figured out you can wear your facial hair any way you want.
FA
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 To me all that stuff you listed is simply part of the overall package. At the core of it all women want a man who will love them for who they are and that's it plain and simple. The other stuff we talk about is just optional extras that we like but don't necessarily need.
Hope this makes sense.
I suspect the same applies to you. You've also listed some quite superficial stuff but at the bottom of it if your mate really loves and cherish's you for you then it doesn't matter how their bodies look or how they perform in bed etc etc.
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