A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi , I recently broke up with my BF and loved him very much, but he was controlling, and I was very unhappy, and had no choice but to cut all contact.( this was nearly two weeks ago) Anyway, I have blocked him from Yahoo MSN, and blocked his emails but the thing that bugs me is that I will not know if he has tried to contact me to make ammends or not,( he let me down very badly a couple of weeks back and I blocked him straight away) so now I won;t be able to get his messages unless I unblock him. Also, I cannot unblock on Yahoo( my version) and would need to send another messenger invite which is something I do not want to do, as I don't want to be seen to be the one initiating contact after he was the one who behaved badly. What do people thnk about the blocking someone in this type of situation? he still has my cell phone number as far as I know) but if he has tried to message me and has had not reponse, I guess he;s not going to try my cell phone too? What do people think of the no contact rule too? have I done the right thing? should I now unblock him. I am curious... and want to give him a chance to say sorry.Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so ,much for taking the time to answer me. I'm really touched. xx Kilcardy - LOL!! yes, no need to put a bow on it!! Donrbaen, no not at all.. it' rather difficult to explain oneself in one or two paragraphs. I didn;t make myself clear.thank you for answerin again :o) Jilly, thanks you too for your lovely and thoughtful answer. It;s hard this 'letting go' no contact, blocking someone stuff, BUT thinking of the consequences.. well, it would start up all over again without a doubt if I opened up any channels of communication. It;s been a tough few months, and I wonder now if the penny has dropped and he;s realised Ihave gone. The no contact thing does actully work - but does take time. At the rate I am going , i;'d say I;'ll be 100% in maybe another 2 months or so. I still love him, but don;t love the way he treated me, and so I now have to look after myself. I hope you all have a nice xmas ( without any heartache!!)., and once again. Thank you for your time. xxxx
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reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (23 December 2010):
You have to keep one thing in mind when doing the NC...whatever your ex is thinking, doing, pondering, thinking of doing, hoping for, praying for, etc. DOESN'T MATTER. His saying "sorry", doesn't matter. He's screwed you over enough times that you've blocked him from contacting you. That speaks volumes. Breakups are never clean, and don't think you must put a nice little bow on top of this pile of dog doo doo and declare the end of an error. You need not do that. It's done, move on to a healthier you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): You've clearly made the best decision not to talk to him or contact him. It's worked for me, an I hope it works for you. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Hello again.
Thanks for the post. I wasn't trying to be provocative, it was just an observation about how some people use 'no contact' as a way of 'dumping' someone... which is obviously what you have NOT done!
From what you say, I can see why you've had to do this. You've obviously been quite clear - and he's just too self-absorbed to listen or care. Unpleasant (and unfair) for you to have to take such drastic action.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Thank you fr the follows-ups.
In your first posting, you weren't as clear as to what was going on, so my response initially was more vague than I usually opt for. You have since made it clear how the 'controlling and manipulating tactics' present. So I'm in agreement now with the others, that controlling tactics, such as saying he would come over to your house to fix something, then on the day he was due over, ignore you, and any contact from you, no wonder you have blocked him. He sounds like the true ' Mr.Unavailable' running hot, then cold, never being able to depend on actions and words matching.
I'm so pleased you have started to heal, and hopefully in the new Year you will be suitably moved on enough to perhaps enjoying life to the full again.
Good luck!
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dornraben, it has been a build up of events, bad treatment, and let downs on his sde. he is fully aware of why I have had to do this. I asked him if he could fix somthing in my house for me., he said - yes, I will come tommorow. I said, ok thanks, I'll call you around 3pm. I called that day he was supposed to come, and he ignored me completley, and I texted hm and aksed him why and he stil ignored.This is not the first time he has done this to me.. it has been months of controlling, tears, the silent treatment..and him basically manipulating me. As I was getting better - he would appear agin, and I would get sucked in. I HAD to block him for my own peace of mind. I am now sleeping better, and feeling a bit happier - so , yes, no contact in this case is the only way foward. I wont; be answering if he calls either. :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This might not apply in your situation, but althought 'no contact' is often the best thing to do after a breakup, but it's not a good way to do the breaking up.
Did you explain why you were breaking up with him, and tell him that you needed to cut contact, before doing it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Timms, thank you for your great answer. You are right - guys and girls.. I know in my heart that NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to deal with this controling abuser, and Timms, yes you are right, as when I have broken it off before,and signed back into messenger or whatever, he jumps straight on it and the same cycle of controlling begins again. I know that over the last two weeks of no contact and me blocking him, slowly but surely I have started to heal. so I'm on the right track. It could take some time,but is the only way forward, and no I won;t be taking his calls, or initiating contact.Funny though, how it;s hard to let go of crap, I think it's because I invested so much time and energy in to it. Thank you for all your answers. I will read and re- read them. They have really helped. :o) xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jilly. I hadn;t really looked at it that way. It 'shas been a long time coming ( the blocking) as he has been controlling for some time,and I have been desperate for some peace of mind, which I now have, but am not sure I was hasty and want to see if he get's in touch. I am not sure that he will just give up like that after sending messages.. I should hope he does ot think that little of me, but at the same time, I do not want to go back to the headache of it all. I wil leave it blocked until I am ready, and have given myself good time to get over it ( which I am in the process of doing). It;s almost like I am sacred to move on, but I feel that this way, I should be ove ie by mid Jan sometime at this rate. x Cerebreus, you are quite right in saying that controlling is abusive, and NO, NO WAY do I want the unhappiness back... I think I will leave it as it is and see how I feel in a month. I feel that I wil be over it by then. :o) Thank you both for taking the time to answer me. xxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): "after a time he will be ok" He won't be, but go for it anyway sure. Maybe you will be the very first person in history that will able to make an abuser turn into a nice guy.
Good luck, you obviously haven't reached the point where you're just so jaded from the abuse that you actually properly leave him.
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reader, TimmD +, writes (23 December 2010):
 By nature, break ups are not a good thing... for at least one partner. Very rarely do relationships end "on a good note". But what many people don't realize is that lots of relationships still continue even after the "breakup". The relationship is ended, usually by one partner but after a short period, contact begins again usually because one partner cannot let go. I'm not trying to stereotype here, but realistically many times it's the man ending things with the woman and it's the woman who cannot let go and "needs closure". This opens up the lines of communication. You'd be surprised how many times sex starts up again because A) The man is just horny and wants sex and B)The woman just wants to be with him in whatever capacity she can. Again, I'm not trying to stereotype the sexes here making one seem weaker or stronger than the other, it's just what I've learned from past experiences and even from reading on this website.
One thing is for sure, you broke up for a reason. It sounds like the reason for this breakup of yours is because he's a jerk and treats you like crap. If you open up the lines of communication you are dooming yourself to getting caught up in a cycle. You said yourself this man was controlling and you were very unhappy. Those types of things aren't just from one fight. This is what's called behavior. This is who that man is. He's controlling and he makes you unhappy. Do not be under the illusion that he's just going to apologize.
The no contact rule is the best possible rule out there. It's great. And it works. But ONLY if you have no contact with him. Especially if he's controlling. If you give him even an inch he will suck you back in. He may even try to apologize, but it would only be to pull you back in to control you. So here's some advice and I strongly advise you to take it: DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Don't give him anything that can be seen as contact. Don't log back into your accounts, don't do anything. If he calls, don't answer. If he wants to apologize he can do it by voicemail and that's it. Because I guarantee if you start talking to him again, especially if contact was initiated by you... you'll be back in a relationship with him that will be EXACTLY the same relationship as you had before - controlling and unhappy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): So sorry you feel so let down by your ex - especially at this time of year, when we're being bombarded with happy Christmas tales and being with someone special, so always difficult.
You do not say what he did, or if it was something that had been ongoing with him, and you just got to breaking point. Either way, only you know if you feel why you blocked him could possibly be resolved - whether it was something that if you had the opportunity to talk you may be able move forward.
In my experience IF someone is really sorry for what they have done and want the chance to make amends they will find a way to do so - as you say he has your cell phone number, but again, you don't mention if he's the kind of guy, that if you were to block him, he would just accept your decision and try to move on himself. Unfortunately people put NOT being the instigator to amend issues at the TOP of their list, over the 'relationship' itself, regardless who did or said what ( NO not violence or cheating) but with most issues, the important thing is putting the relationship first IF you really love the person and want to try and heal the rift.
As I say have no idea if this is the first time he's done something to obviously upset you enough to block him, but on reflection do you feel your were hasty, blocked him in the heat of the moment, or did you really think about what he'd done, and felt you had to take a stance..repeating myself I know, but only YOU know that!
My only advice is, how would you feel if it had been you to have done something, and then felt dreadful, wanted to say sorry, talk, then you discovered he had blocked you straight away, what do you think would be your next move?
Lastly IF this is something you think you can resolve, then why not contact or unblock him, the worse scenario, is that he doesn't want to try and work this out, but at least you then know exactly where you stand, or on the up side, he may well be very sorry and want to meet up, put his side, and for you to explain why you felt it was necessary to block him before attempting to talk. We are all human, and often DO before we have time to really think about actions and consequences, so have a ponder on this one.
There is nothing worse I think than having IF's hanging over you.
Good luck with this one, and I hope you manage to find the answer you're looking for.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, I want to give him a chance to say sorry and a chance to try again. I loved him and am still hoping against hope after a time he will be ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Look if you want to get back into all that controlling abusive (controlling is abuse) crap then unblock him.
If you don't then don't. It sounds to me like you do. Even if you don't think that's the way it is, you did say you want to give him a chance to say sorry. That's the same thing, you want to get back in contact with him but want him to make the first move. You basically want to open the door for him to come back into your life and let all the controlling behaviour and unhappiness back with him.
Even if that's what you want, do you really think that it would be a good thing? Don't try to fool yourself for one second by thinking that's not going to happen, that you just want an apology and that's it, that's not how it works and you know it. If you want to stay broken up, if you want to move on with your life then you'll stick no contact.
Curiosity means pain, heart break and a far more difficult way of getting over him.
Make your decision, because it's either no contact or it's not getting over him, you can't have both. Either you stick to your guns and get over your curiosity or you let him contact you and start all that crap again.
Ask yourself why you want him to contact you, be truthful with yourself, because you're not a fool, you're not stupid enough to think that all you want from him is sorry and then you can move on. Wanting him to say sorry means you still care way too much for this guy and should he says sorry and try and get back with you right now you'd probably say yes. So you either want to get over him or you don't.
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