A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am recently divorced, and am living with a new partner. We are in love and planning our future together. Problem is, I don't know how to bring her up to my 13 y.o. son. He doesn't know about her (ex-wife does, and isn't happy I moved on so soon). He has said his biggest concern about the divorce is he doesn't want step parents or "people he hasn't known his whole life" because it would be too awkward.I don't know how to tell him, but I need to, since he will need to stay with my girlfriend and me on visitation weekends at some point. I mean, I know HOW I will tell him, and where even. Just not sure exactly what to say. I'm thinking something like taking him to a favorite kids play place and having her meet us there for some pizza and soda, and saying something like "son, this is XXXXXX. She's my girlfriend and we are in love and living together. She wanted to meet you and see what a great kid you are". Then we would just talk about things he's into and things she's into...similar likes, dislikes, etc.How does that sound?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): I would definitely talk to him about it before you introduce her in person, otherwise it will be a total shock and really awkward.
You could say, 'I want you to know that you are always the most important person in my life. But I really want you to meet a new friend of mine. Is it OK with you if next time we go to the cinema, Sarah comes too so you get a chance to meet her? She's going on to meet her friends afterwards so we can go out for a burger just the two of us, but she was really keen to meet you at some point as I'm always talking to her about you.'
Then he has the choice, also he knows that she is not alwyas just going to be hanging around from now on, but he can decide if he wants a relationship with her or not.
Springing it on him is a bit harsh and might be confusing, and alienate him from you.
A friend of mine is going out with a divorced man with a son and over the last couple of years she has gradually gradually got to know the son. But her boyfriend has always been very clear to all concerned that his time with his son is precious and nothing will impinge on this. My friend understands this and is fine with it. It's working out really well. They are about to move in together and the son has no problems because he does not feel threatened by my friend, or see her as a rival to his mother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): Hi
Different point of view here...i was the girl friend...i suddenly had four step children (teenagers) and was a little worried. I appeared on the back of a motor bike and introduced myself just my name, and my partner said 'this is....
I did not want to be a dark secret we had nothing to hide or be ashamed of. One of the boys had a bit of a problem with me but i always understood i was not his mum and was not trying to be however i wanted to be friends ...and said if he wished he could call me wicked step mom or anything he felt comfortable with. I think it is better to be open and honest and strong in your commitment to both. if you hide somthing your almost saying to your son that you feel wrong. I have taken my role as wicked step mom well and have been excepted by 3 but the 4th still has a problem. Just be honest.
Spunky monkey
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): I have a 14 year old son and am an ex wife. My ex husband has a new partner and a baby on the way. I too feel he has moved on too soon. I will not let my son spend anytime with his father if there is even the meerest possibility that the woman may turn up let alone even consider him spending time with anyone other than him personally. My son is furious that his father has found someone else so soon and has no interest in meeting this woman at all. Please tred very carefully and do not say that you are in love as the son will side with his mother and not want to hear that at all - children are always hopeful that their parents will reunite. I would leave it a while before you introduce her and he has cleraly said that he doesn't want people he doesn't know in his life , would feel awkward with.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 Your idea is good, one problem though: if my dad took me out, I would assume it's OUR quality time. I would see it as a sort of invasion if his girlfriend just dropped in. My parents divorced when I was young and I disliked it when I was forced to forsake time with my parents for time with them AND their partners. Another thing, she has to be completely herself. Alarms raise when someone's too nice, too eager, and probing too much into our likes, dislikes etc. Basically, introduce them-not as the love of my life but as xxxx. You want him to see her as a person first, not "the girlfriend." Get into an activity he enjoys, put him ease. Race go-carts etc. Tell him BEFORE he meets her. No surprises. No gushing :p Don't force conversation between them, that builds resentment. He has to be willing to interact. Bonding begins when two people share nice experiences. Remember, he comes first. You need to spend time alone with him too-just the guys. If the 1st meeting doesn't go well, don't despair :) All the best.
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A
female
reader, Molly9945  +, writes (13 November 2010):
I went through my dad getting a girlfriend and it's hard. What I was most afraid of is her acting like my mom, which I didn't want. So express to your son that she is your girlfriend and not his new mom. Yes if she asks for a small favor from him like take out the trash, pick up his own messes he should be polite enough to oblige, but otherwise make sure he knows(and your new gf knows) that she is not the boss of him.
Also your idea of going someplace to talk is a good one. Let them get equainted and get to know each other. If your girlfriend immediatly is showing negativity, bossyness, or anything that makes your son seem uncomfortablethen you need to talk to her about it, and no matter if they hit it off or not when they meet you NEED to talk to your son about how he feels about her. Obviously don't break up if he just doesn't like her, but if she continually does things that causes your son stress then you need to put him before her and break up with her(especially if she refuses to compromise her attitude toward your son).
I know giving up love is hard, but my mom knew that one of her boyfriends she adored and loved made me unhappy so she broke it off, and that's the sacrifice of having children. They are your first priority, like it or not.
Anyway I'm probably making the situation sound like it will go all bad, but really if you have a good girlfriend and talk to both of them frequently it should work out, so don't stress.
Cheers!
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