A
female
age
30-35,
*arblerbird
writes:My boyfriend's circle of friends includes 3 other guys, and just 1 girl. I get along fantastically with all of the guys, however, the girl seems resistant to accept me, or be my friend. I get the feeling that she's jealous of me because she feels like I'm stealing her friends away. She also came from an all girls school, which makes me think she craves male attention. She also appears to be the alpha-female. How can I let her know that I'm not out to steal her friends, and that I want to be good friends with her without being super direct?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 You can't force friendships. If you and her don't bond immediately then respect that and let it flow naturally. You simply can not be friends with everyone, especially if she's reluctant to make friends so fast. As long as you can get along and be respectful to each other your boyfriend should not ask for more. People are all different and there's simply no way everyone could, or should, be friends with absolutely everyone.
He'll soon come to realize that having separate friends is a great thing anyway. You don't want to do EVERYTHING together as a couple, some times it's great for him to hang out with his friends and let them be strictly HIS friends. Not both your friends. It chokes a relationship if you have all the same friends and same everything.
A
female
reader, warblerbird +, writes (13 February 2011):
warblerbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to get along with her because my boyfriend would like me to be able to be friends with his friends. It's an issue that's gotten between us before. This situation is just strange to me because i've never had the issue of not being able to be someone's friend really.
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A
female
reader, Boycrazy +, writes (13 February 2011):
She's probebly jealous because maybe she has a crush on your boyfriend
or maybe one of his friends and she thinks your flirting with him/them
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 February 2011):
How long have you and your boyfriend been together? This is a case that takes a long time. You will have to be patient with this girl and not try and force a friendship on her. That said, Im not sure why you want to be her friends so desperately when she's not as eager as you.
It's not so much about her being afraid you will steal her friends... Its more a case of territory. Some girls (in fact many) are very territorial. It's like they've taken a good piss over their male friends declaring them as "theirs". In order to talk to "their guys", you have to ask permission from the alfa female. I know it sounds odd and stupid, and in many ways it is, but thats how the female brain works anyway. Been there, seen it, done that, so I know.
See you didn't ask permission from this alfa female to date your current boyfriend. Thus she has decided to freeze you out and not like you. If you want her to warm up to you you need to just take it slow and be patient, or ignore her back. You don't have to be her friend you know. It's ok if you and her don't get along.
She might think that if you and your boyfriend haven't been together for long, that you will break up soon anyways. So why would she bother befriending someone who will leave soon. That could be another reason why she's holding back. She'll also need time to adjust to seeing you as a potential good friend, and not as a threat.
I knew a girl like that once. Kind of. I had a group of guy friends in high school, then went away for a year to study abroad. When I came back this girl had taken over the guys, it was insane the way she was whipping them around. She got pissed and cranky if any other girl wanted to as much as talk to "her guys", she'd never leave any of them alone with another girl, and if you tried to talk to one of them she'd come and butt in and interfere, or even get mad at you. The guys lost all of their female friends and this alfa girl took charge. I even backed out because it wasn't worth the bother. The girl ended up sleeping with almost all the guys too, causing jealousy issues between the friends. But the guys are still a tight group of friends, and the girl they cut contact with her and moved on to find better female friends to hang out with. Their old female friends were finally able to talk to them again as well.
She was just hostile and territorial. Probably because of insecurities or something. But she grew out of it and last time I saw her she was actually treating other women with respect and was nice to talk to. So people mature and change. Give this girl some time as well, she might let you in under her skin after some time has passed. But keep your guard up, in case she's a true "alfa female" and is only after finding your weak point so she can push you out of the picture.
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