A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've grown up being sheltered from the big bad world, and it's biting me back right now. My parents were always about the whole true love deal and only getting into a relationship when you thought it could be long term/forever. They always wanted to protect me from everything and in a way, they did, making me very dependent on them for a long time. Anyway, growing up this way made me blow off a lot of guys because I was afraid of what would happen if started something with them. I'm 23 now and I haven't had a proper relationship because of this. For one I've become very picky about whom I let into my personal space and two, it's really hard for me to fall in love. When I do the guy is usually taken and since I don't mess up other people's relationships I end up alone. Anyway, this in combination with being bullied (I was a very shy, naive girl growing up and people happily took advantage of that) I'm very insecure and always criticizing something about myself, whether it's looks, personality or both. I never feel good enough to date and I'm still stuck at the immature teenage thinking "omg what if he doesn't like me!"How do I beat this mental wall I put up and finally just take a chance and LIVE my life? I feel like all the fun is passing me by because my own mind is crippling me. Sorry for the long message, but I hope someone will read through it and reply. I'd be very grateful if you do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Don't worry be happy because everyone in this world has someone and surely, you will find someone, you are only feeling insecure about yourself and that is not good. The truth is there are many who likes each other but very few express it
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Well, you need to get out of your shell some. But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. A lot of what your parents tried to do makes good sense so please don't knee-jerk react to it and do a bunch of opposite decisions.
They are right, it WILL save you a lot of trouble to stay away from relationships with guys that don't seem like long term possibilities. But don't take that idea too far, that's all. I think you just need to start pushing the boundaries of the guidelines and date a few that are near to being "right". Don't just suddenly throw out the advice entirely and go after a total mess of a guy that has trouble written all over him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Wow. I've felt the same as you for a long time. My parents were very protective and conservative too. I got so many warnings about everything: other religions are bad, other people can't be trusted, the world is unsafe, etc. I have a very withdrawn, risk-averse personality to begin with, so my parents' protectiveness only made it worse.
Now here I am so many years later, never having had a proper relationship with a girl, and still trying to get over the fears my parents gave me. My sister turned out kind of the same. Used to talk often about getting married but now she's over 30, depressed, and seems to have given up. My younger brother was the only one who didn't take all our parents' advice to heart. He stayed out late with friends, partied, did drugs, etc. Yet he ended up the best off -- now happily married with kids.
I'm afraid one problem with "moral values" as they are taught today is that they can make people of a certain disposition take everything too seriously. You start to think that a relationship must lead to a sacred, lifelong bond or it's not worth pursuing. Your standards become so high that no real person can meet them. You turn down everyone unless they seem like The One. And you're so focused on what you shouldn't do that you appear uptight and closed instead of friendly and open.
This interferes with normal relating because everything I've read about success in dating is that it's based on keeping things casual and fun and letting everything flow and develop naturally. So... try and enjoy a date for what it is, a fun experience, without worrying whether it will lead to anything more. Take opportunities as they come. Start accepting invitations. Don't abandon your values, just keep them in the back of your mind (not the front) and go with the flow when it's safe to do so. I don't want to say lower your standards... but realize that first impressions of someone are not the whole person. Many have an inner beauty that you'll only see by giving them a chance and getting to know them. And when faced with a choice, don't arbitrarily make the one your parents would want. Ultimately it is your life, not theirs. Their teaching has gotten you this far but it can't substitute for true inner guidance.
You're not alone in this and it's not too late. At least you're still at an age where having no relationship experience is seen as just weird instead of something seriously pathological! But things will get worse if you don't take a risk and make a change. Being a teenager at 23 isn't nearly as bad as being one in your 30s. Trust me, you do not want to find that out for yourself. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, prettypenny +, writes (13 February 2011):
 I can relate completely. I moved out of the house for the first time at 23. Actually out of the state away from my over-bearing mom (who I know also had my best interests at heart). It was really difficult, but it was the best choice I could've made. Learn to fully depend on yourself. Move out, if you haven't already and start concentrating on you and what you really want out of life. Then you will stop caring about what others think and are doing. You are the most important person to yourself right now, the right person will eventually come along to support you but this is your time. It won't be easy at first, but I promise it will get easier. I'm 25 now, my mom and I still have a really close relationship but she respects me more as an adult.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Your parents have your best interest at heart, so try not to blame them for this. There are plenty of terrible parents out there, so be thankful that yours actually care about your well-being.
First, there’s nothing wrong with being picky. In fact, you should be picky, but you need to be realistic as well. Also, never get involved with a man who is already taken. It’s morally wrong, and you will end up hurting yourself in the long run, so consider these men off limits.
You seem to have very low self esteem, which is likely preventing you from getting out there and dating. Have you talked to a psychologist about this? Before you can get into a relationship, you need to work on your own issues. Otherwise, your insecurity will push men away, and prevent you from developing healthy relationships.
You are still very young, so don’t jump into the first available relationship simply because you think life is passing you by. You’re adult life has only just begun. Relax and enjoy the dating scene.
One more thing… do you have a degree, and are you working on developing your career? These are the things that you should be concentrating on at your age.
Please keep us updated! Good luck!
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