A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This evening I ended my relationship with a guy who was becoming more and more verbally abusive towards me. I told him I couldn't take any more. He got into the habit of calling me names and making personal put downs about my appearance and following it up by saying he was only joking. All the jibes and digs made me more and more confused especially when he would follow up with reassurances that I am a lovely person and he and his friends thought I was attractive and a lovely person. I can't believe I have put up with this for months. I made excuses for his behaviour and my personality changed to the point whereby I was becoming tearful and withdrawn.I feel ashamed and embarrassed at how I let him treat me because he wasn't always horrible. He was very kind at times.My ex of four years was the same. I confided in this guy and he was disgusted at his behaviour yet he turned out to be the same if not worse. His behaviour crept up on me. I am no pushover yet this has happened again. I feel more disappointed in myself than anything else.Has anyone else experienced this and how did they cope with it and avoid attracting such men. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 January 2014):
 Be more invest in YOURSELF then any man, at least til you know him and his personality.
By 3-6 months is usually when a persons "true" personality shows through - specially when dating (for some it's earlier but usually that is the time period).
I don't think he really HONED in on you, but it was more of a him showing his true side, and when you made excuses or "allowed" it he let that side of him out of the bag, thinking you accepted it.
I understand that the first time he does it you are surprised and unsure if that was a "bad fluke" - but when it continues? You need to put yourself first in those situations and walk away. Even if you feel an attachment. Because that attachment becomes unhealthy and uneven the MOMENT you allow someone to treat you that way. It's NEVER too late to walk away. (unless of course the guy isn't JUST verbally but physically abusive).
I'm sure it's easier said then done. I get that. And unfortunately guys don't wear a sign around their necks saying good guy/asshole either.
Don't beat yourself up for sticking it out longer then you "should" have (even by your own standard) but instead learn from it. Look back and notice little signs that can indicate if he was going to be the way he was. I think talking smack about his mom/exes are a big indicator of someone who doesn't treat women well. Yea, I get that he could have had a rotten ex or even a rotten mom/childhood, but again, he is GROWN and SHOULD have learned from that instead he continues the cycle.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Im self employed my own house and business and brought up my son who graduated recently from Uni. Im told I'm a very warm kind and compassionate soul and see the best in people. Im usually quite confidant and outgoing. Relationships are my downfall. I socialise but the last few guys I have met have been online. This was merely a tool for meeting guys. I am selective but obviously you never can get to know someone until you meet them. I think my problem is I accept bad behaviour from men as normal but then my logic kicks in and by rgen its too late I am attached..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Thanks for the replies. His father was not around while he was growing up. I think he has her personality traits and the bullied has become the bully. He saw a weakness in me and homed in....
Im the one to blame because I took it for too long. My father was not nice to my mother and I am so sure the tolerance she had for his behaviour is a huge issue here.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 Let's assume for the sake of argument that you are a sel-confident and vibrant woman that exudes self confidence and cannot be easily intimidated during the first encounter with a man. If that is the case then you're simply in the wrong place. Any guy worth his salt as they say now south can recognize a real women and will treat her with dignity and respect. On the other hand if you're meek and 'mousey" and tend to hang out in bars with urban tupes from the big cities. They will treat you poorly and not respect you because they are mostly idiots. In any event it's probably not your fault, you're just "shopping in the wrong area of the country.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Good for you walking away from this behaviour. It is designed to grind you down and is actually about manipulation. Cruel behaviour can go hand in hand with charm, it is a common pattern. The best thing you can do is feel good about yourself, have a sense of self worth. I'm not sure how you avoid men who may turn into this sort of idiot. But if someone appears disrespectful of others (ie his mother etc), then in time, you may find you are the target.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 January 2014):
 The "amateur psychologist" in me sees these important details in your re-submittal to Honeypie:
1. This guy (recent break-up).... you describe that he "...despises his mother (saying she is rude and sarcastic)..." I'll conjecture that he LEARNED to despise his Mother.... FROM HIS FATHER!!!! .... who likely treated his Mother just as HE treated you.... He learned, well, at his Father's knee... That's him...
2. You mention a "difficult childhood".... and your loyalty to your Mother. From that, I'm guessing that your Father was not very nice to your Mother (and you "took sides" in that situation). Sooo,... YOU have "learned" that guys who are not nice to women (as your Father behaved toward your Mother) are what your role-model is... and, without realizing that you are doing so.... you are dating guys WHO ARE LIKE YOUR FATHER.
The "solution" is for you to recognize this second point, and adjust your target - and expectation(s) - of the guys you are attracted to.... and hang more with those who seem to treat women nicely.... THEY ARE "OUT THERE"... you simply must find them... (and discard, quickly, any who reveal themselves to behave as your last "B/F" did.)
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 You're not attracting men like that per se, you're just tolerating it way too long.
Don't tolerate it at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2014): Honeypie I posted this question. In reply it was about three months before he started calling me names and it has gradually escalated over the last 6 months. He told me I talk drivel and it went on and on. He despises his mother saying she is rude and sarcastic and if she was ill he wouldn't bother visiting her. I had a difficult childhood but am loyal to my mother. Thanks for your reply....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2014):
How soon into a relationship does it start? How long do you "take" it? And why?
And do you attract them? More likely you are ATTRACTED to guy who are not "bad guys" but have that side.
You told the most respect ex about the previous guy. So he KNEW that you would accept this pattern at least for a while. Now I'm not saying that he started to be verbally abusive because you told him. He properly have done it in the past to a degree.
One thing I know is that guy who either treat their mother's horrible or the total opposite can be verbally abusive - and guys who talk a LOT of smack about their past partners. Now the latter guys take NO responsibility for their past relationship. It's ALWAYS the ex's fault (not this happens with women too). If you look at this guy you ALLOWED him to disrespect you because you wanted to see the good in him, unfortunately guys like that can show enough "good" to get away with it (for a while).
My suggestion. Don't allow it. I know it sounds easier said then done, but if a guy had ZERO respect for you when it comes to name calling, do you really think he respects you otherwise? So why settle for THAT?
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