A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We met about a month ago through an online dating site and hit off instantly soon after we met.Well, about a week after we started dating, he got the news that he may be deploying in December, but back then, it was only a 50:50 chance.A few more weeks has passed and I casually asked him again about the deployment and he said it is more like a 65:35 now (65% possible), but won't really find out for sure until the summer. But because he will be going through a series of training and me being gone traveling abroad over the summer + if he does deploy, he is saying that he probably won't be able to see me for an year and half. So he is suggesting that we should just enjoy the last few weeks together then break it off.He said he really like me a lot and that he wish we had met earlier, I have to admit that I have completely fell for him, even though it was only a short 1 month, we spent almost everyday together and every time we are together, I feel very happy, comforting, safe and loved. We're at a rough time of the semester and seeing him always makes my day 100 times better.I asked him why he would want to break things off and he said he does not want me to wait for him, or get hurt/dissapointed becuz we never know what may happen to him while he is there. He said the last time he was away, he had to break things off with his girlfriend.....I don't know if it was a similar situation or that she cheated on him while he was gone.I asked him if he is willing to give "us" a chance and he said he'll need to think about it (which somehow, I feel like he is just saying that to comfort me for the moment)I REALLY like the guy and I've actually been through a lot of long distance relationship, now what do I have to do or what can I do to convince him that I am not going anywhere, that I am strong enough and that I will still have my crazy busy school work and my close friends to keep me company, that I will wait for him to come back. I really want him to be part of my life and I want to be part of his life too even if he is thousand of miles away and that we probably won't be able to communicate a lot like what we have now.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 May 2010):
Well obviously he's been through this before...and trust me, you probably don't want to go through it. I dated a guy in the military and it was no walk in the park.
I live in a city where there's a lot of military, Navy and Marines, and there's a lot of crap that goes around. It's like a soap opera. Many of them do get cheated on and many of them cheat as well. Even if that wasn't a concern to him or you, military life is really hard. Besides his deployments, he can get stationed elsewhere, either across the country or across the globe--it's not easy. They have a huge divorce rate and their relationships are a struggle. He's probably been there and done that and he's just not ready. He's probably just looking for fun, they get lonely too, but he doesn't want anything serious. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, he just might not be in the right place to have a serious relationship.
I agree that there's no convincing him to have a relationship with you if he doesn't want one. If you two aren't even going to see each other for a year and a half, you'll probably eventually drift apart anyway. It sucks, I understand you really like him and feel a connection, but you can't make someone be in a relationship with you if they don't want it. I say, you let him go and when he gets back and you're back and you two want to be together and still feel the same way, then go for it. But I don't think there's any point in rushing into anything right now, especially with the circumstances.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 You probably won't like my answer but to be honest with you this guy cannot be 'convinced' to get into a relationship. No one can. And you don't need to convince a man to be with you...if he doesn't want to be with you of his own free will then that's that.
But back to your guy. If he felt the way you feel about him he'd want to give it a go. Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't feel as strongly about you.
"He is suggesting that we should just enjoy the last few weeks together then break it off." He's thought this through and this is what he wants. The possibility of a long term relationship is not even a possibility for him.
You say 'he does not want me to wait for him, or get hurt/dissapointed becuz we never know what may happen to him while he is there.' This is his way of telling you that he does not want committment and a girlfriend back home who he will have to think about everytime he goes out and an opportunity presents itself. It's harsh but it's the truth. He wants to be free to do whatever without feeling guilty about it.
You finally ask what you have to do and then you say " I am not going anywhere, that I am strong enough and that I will still have my crazy busy school work and my close friends to keep me company, that I will wait for him to come back.' The thing is, this is not about you, it's not about whether you can wait, whether you'll be lonely. It's about HIM and his freedom and ability to do as he pleases without having to answer to anyone back home.
You also say 'I really want him to be part of my life and I want to be part of his life too even if he is thousand of miles away .' I don't want be too harsh and mean but he doesn't want this from you. If he did, he would give it a go.
Whatever all this is to him, it's not the start of a long-distance relationship. What you need to realize is that this guy and you have different views on where you want this to go. He wants some fun and company just for now and you're looking to the future. He isn't, so there is no way to convince him of anything. I think you need to come to terms with this and accept it.
Perhaps it was bad timing but sometimes things don't work out because there's someone else out there for us.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Er...Are you sure he's not dropping a hint that he just wants to break up with you? Didn't you say he pulled a similar stunt with another woman, once?
If he really loves you, he will give the relationship a chance. If he keeps saying that he doesn't want you to wait, he might have a hidden agenda. 18 months doesn't sound like a huge amount of time to wait for someone. It could be depressing for you at times if you have to wait 18 months, but it is not an outrageous amount of time to wait.
BUT...If he is being sincere, you could explain to him how much he means to you, and take it from there. Don't be afraid to do something sneaky or tell a few white lies to keep him.
We live in a world that revolves around lies. So why not do what I do? ...Lie to get your own way.
Good luck with it. And God bless.
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