A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Even my boyfriend and I got together, he told me "You can read my diaries, but do not tell me about it." When I asked about it he said it's because he wants to be understood, but he doesn't want anyone to read his deepest thoughts. So, after his ex saw us together and suddenly wanted him back (about a month into the relationship) , I started reading them. Not once mentioning anything I read, no matter what it made me feel and I'm very sure that ghe doesn't know that I read them. I learned a lot. What initially hurt the most, was how little I was mentioned compared to his ex, that he called poison and would write ideas as how to break up with her. Other girls he had crushes on, or dated were also mentioned more than me. Not once during the time he was with others did he ever write anything about wanting another girl in any way. He's told me that for the first time he wants to marry someone, me. Something he knows makes me very uncomfortable. But he just wanted me to know. We have had fights, but recently we had one where he broke up with me, he told me he could could never never love me again, that I've hurt him too much. We made up by morning. It took a few days until the next time he told me he loves me. I did nothing to prompt him to say it, I was willing to work for it. Our relationship will become long distance very soon, for half a year (was the plan at least). Today I read an entry for the 25th of June.. "Girl of the day, [name of Girl], would be nice to hang out with her, (yes I want to fuck her)". It hurts. A lot. I tried to not think about it, but eventually cried and he noticed, I told him I'm just sad about having to leave, he just hugged me and held me until I stopped. I don't know what to do.. He's the one that first said he doesn't want to break up, mentioned marriage.. But there's nothing like that in his diaries, just "I did this with her", etc. What do I do when I'm not ready for this to be over and fear that's what will happen if I told him I read that?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 I'm guessing his entries are not about how women find him creepy, or how he screwed up at work and cost his employer a big contract, or the embarrasing pimples on his arse. He's just 'honest' enough to upset you but not enough to humiliate himself.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 June 2018):
This is pure manipulation.
He's not trying to nurture honesty, but uncertainty in you.
This kind of honesty is supposed to be part of a dialogue and even then there is such a thing as judicious omission. He wants you to want him more than he wants you so you'll compete for his affection and put up with just about anything. You don't need to tell you what you've read. He already knows.
Secondly, him breaking up with you and declaring he doesn't think he can love you again, then the very next day you're back together. If you had done something so heinous for a normal person to say this, you would NOT have reconciled the very next day, if at all.
This guy is a cad, OP.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 There are so many red flags in this relationship OP, its really sad. I truly hope you will take the advice of all the wonderful aunts/uncles who have written before me. Everything that has been already said I will say "Ditto". He is playing mind games, he is manipulating you, he KNOWS without a doubt that you have read his diary and guess what? He doesn't care. I will always wager a guess that you will be "Out of sight..out of mind" once you two become long distance.
Many people keep diaries. I do. Its MINE and I don't want anyone to read it but ME. It is my thoughts, feelings at the time and not for anyone to see but me. I wouldn't even want my husband to read it not because I have anything to hide, but read its MY private thoughts. This man has let you his diary because he knew you would and he deliberately put thing in there to hurt you, make you insecure. He's using your vulnerability about marriage because he knows its what you really want. It keeps you with him and yet at the same time he's hurting you and not caring.
Girl..get out! He's actually a very cruel and uncaring man. He doesn't give a tinkers damn about you and if you left tomorrow he'd have someone else in your spot in 2 seconds. Sorry to be cruel, but you need to see what he really is and to get out and find someone who deserves you. Please think about what we have said. You deserve so much better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018): One of the reasons we can't read minds is because it will either traumatize us emotionally; or literally drive us insane. Most of what can go through some people's minds, girlfriend, you don't want to know!
Too much information is the way to go these days. I wouldn't read somebody's personal-diary; even if they invited me to. I don't want to know my boyfriend's deepest darkest-thoughts or secrets; and I don't want him to know mine. I trust him, and if I discover anything wrong about him; it's going to be by accident, or coincidence. Not through snooping. It's still snooping; if you intrude on someone's secret-thoughts or messages even by invitation. Why doesn't he just say things outright?
Why would he give you permission to read it; but not want to know you read it? Seriously?!! If there is one thing a guy knows, is a girl will not resist such a temptation! She'll snoop without permission.
One thing you've learned about him; he's contradictory. He knows you're reading the diary. It's cheese in a mousetrap!
The comment about marriage is to throw you off. No man with half a brain would suggest to his girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband; to read his diary, that he updates regularly. Maybe an old one. Not one that he makes daily-entries; and exposes such things as who he wants to f*ck! I never heard of such a thing.
It makes even less sense if he was updating it about you; knowing he has given you permission to read it. Anything he said would only be flattery; or telling you what you want to hear. Some things you best keep to yourself. He enters what he pleasesr; not words to pacify your insecurities, or to make you feel good. That's where YOU make no sense. Let alone the fact you're reading another person's diary.
First-off, I would have thought he was absolutely weird for permitting me to read his diary. I would feel absolutely weird for reading it. I value my privacy. I am quite transparent and candid to my boyfriend. I do draw a line about certain aspects of my privacy; and respect his boundaries. My trust in him makes that possible. The mutual trust fuels the love we have for each other. We're a mature couple; so we've got experience, and we've paid our dues.
Now that you know what you know. I would not commit myself to a tortuous LDR; knowing what he feels about his exes; and mentioning that he wants to screw some random female.
Fact is, you hardly know him. You are getting to know him through what he makes up and enters in a diary. Furthermore, you committed to him too soon after he broke-up with somebody else. You come across as quite naive.
He's a certified-weirdo! Dudes don't usually keep "diaries." Some might keep a journal with intent to write a book, notes about progress on a project; but not of their romantic-relationships or exes. That's a little more of a school-girl's thing. You don't even keep one! You keep your private-thoughts in your skull, where they belong!
If he wants to be understood, it helps through using effective-communication; and learning to express your thoughts like a grown-up. Interacting adult to adult.
I think that whole diary crap is to mess with your head. I smell a narcissist! Head-games are their MO! He likes to keep women emotionally-insecure and create drama.
My dear, me thinks you're being set-up! He knew long beforehand he was moving away; yet he decides to fill your head with stuff before he leaves. He enters juicy tidbits in his diary, to allow you to find them and read them. To silently languish; and fret over what you know about his secrets. If that's not narcissistic-supply, I don't know what is! Then the thing about his ex showing-up a month into your relationship. Strange coincidence about the timing!
No LDR, and marriage is out of the question; if I were in your shoes! Long-gone exes don't usually want you back; so that relationship was probably pretty fresh. It's probable he has been manipulating and playing with her mind as well.
Maybe they broke-up, because she read his diary!
Girlfriend; let him go! You'll get-over him in six months. By your description, he sounds like a sociopath!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2018):
 I don't think he wanted you to read his journal so you could better understand him, but so that HE could better manipulate you. Quite seriously.
Have you not felt like you aren't as vital in his life as you thought? (after reading them)
My guess is some of the fight you also have had is because you have started to feel a bit insecure with him. Like he can replace you any time. Correct?
And then... the dangles the "marriage carrot".
While I agree that no one goes blind to other attractive people when they are in a relationship - him MAKING sure you know that he wants to FUCK so-and-so girl is him chipping away at your self-esteem. And its also SUPER immature.
He is in short playing mind games with you. The reason you are unsure or not really ready to break up is because that carrot, marriage is something you want. (and he knows this).
He sounds toxic. And I think you need to take off those pink tinted glasses and take a good look at this guy.
IF he really wanted you to KNOW how he feels and to be understood but didn't want to discuss it, he could have written you a letter - about the things he wanted you to understand. NOT ask you to read his diary.
IF he really DID invite you to read it, then he KNOWS you read it already. And he knows that it changed things. He knows it hurt you. And he doesn't give a flying F! My guess is that he is hoping you will be SO desperate for this "marriage suggestion" that you will allow all kind of crappy treatment from him but ... OP he won't marry you. He is only using that to keep you around. And it's working.
Talking marriage and PROPOSING are two very different things. And IF he was really serious he would have written more about how he wants to marry you. You wouldn't be the least part of his diary.
And in order for a marriage to work AT ANY point there needs to be openness and communication. He invited you into his private thoughts but refused to talk about them. So he isn't including you in his life.
Saying "I love you" are just words if not backed up with actions and his actions are NOT that of a loving partner.
In the future if anyone "invites" you to read their most inner thoughts, don't.
I absolutely agree with Auntie BimBim - toxic guy and unhealthy relationship. Maybe you don't want to see the truth but I hope at some point (sooner rather than later) that you realize this isn't good. And there isn't some great future in front of you with him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 June 2018):
 How many people, if given permission to read somebody else's thoughts and feelings, would not take the opportunity? It is very odd that he has given you permission to read his diaries but not permission to discuss what you read with him.
This man KNOWS you are reading his diary, he will be fully aware of how hurtful his written words are, and in my opinion he is playing nasty, manipulative games with you.
To your face he talks marriage, in his diary he talks about wanting to fuck some other woman …. what are you to believe, he is deliberately creating confusion, and you are being put into a position of weakness.
This is not a healthy man and it is not a healthy relationship, I hope you seriously consider where it might take you.
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