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To have sex or not ever have sex?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 5 July 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Mod note: combined posts

Why are people hypocrites when it comes to sex?

And by that I mean, I am a 26 year old virgin and my friends tell me to wait and how my virginity is such a great gift. They will tell me I am lucky to be virgin, that sex is overrated and that I am not missing anything.

However, in the next breathe, they will tell me about how they had a one night stand and that guy they were with just gave them the best orgasm of their life. Or they say that they and their significant other has sex all weekend and it was great.

My guy friends will tell me they admire me for being a virgin, but then brag about sleeping with some random girl that gave them the best head or was the biggest freak and how they can’t wait to sleep with her again.

I mean how is sex overrated, but yet you had the best orgasm ever? How I am blessed to be a virgin, but guys seem to love girls that are sexually active?

One of my other friends is always telling me how I’m lucky to be a virgin and how she regrets losing hers, yet she had an affair with some guy who had a girlfriend. She was constantly bragging about how great his dick felt inside her and she’s also had other sexual partners. I’m sorry, but if you truly regretted losing your virginity wouldn’t you be celibate until after you’ve gotten married? You can also have your hymen reconstructed, but I know for a fact she won’t do either. But whenever I express any sexual feelings I have or if I even like a guy, he’ll, if a guy asks me on a date, she’ll give me a lecture about how I need to wait until after marriage to have sex.

And it’s doesn’t seem like you need to be in love or be in a relationship to have great sex. I’ve heard people say they’ve had great sex from a one night stand or FWB. Hell, my other friend said she had the worst sex ever with her boyfriend and the best she ever had was some guy she met a bar and never saw again.

It just seems to me a bit hypocritical to encourage people to wait to have sex, or praise them for their virginity, but yet at the same time brag about sexual conquest. I mean I’m supposed to be alone just so I can I I’m pure, but everyone else can enjoy sexual pleasure?

Is sex really overrated or is it great pleasure? If I never had sex or never had a relationship (my friends also say boys aren’t worth the trouble) in my entire life, I really wouldn’t be missing anything?

Hello!

I am a little confused.

I am a virgin and I’m 26. All my life my friends have always told me that being a virgin is a great thing. They’ve always praised me for being pure.

I’ll be honest, I’m very insecure about being a virgin and my lack of sex is moreso because I’m shy around guys. I’m not waiting for marriage. Hell, I’m not even waiting to have boyfriend. A FWB would be fine with me.

I also don’t consider myself pure because I masturbate so I do get some kind of sexual pleasure, even if it comes from myself. And I love to masturbate.

I don’t view sex as sinful. I also don’t hold virginity as this great gift to bestow a man. At the same time, I don’t want to just throw it away. I just want someone I feel comfortable with and I’m attracted to.

The part that makes me confused is when my friends tell me that men LOVE virgins. My friends have told me that men will appreciate and love me more. One friend even told me that when I have a boyfriend, he would never cheat on me because I gifted him with my virginity.

However, when I have dated in the past and it came time to be intimate or the conversation of sex came up and I revealed to guys I was a virgin, their reaction wasn’t the most pleasant:

1) I was met with embarrassing / invasive questions such as asking how tight was my p****.

2) Laughter and told I was a freak because it’s not normal for girls to be a virgin since women have it easier getting sex. And since I was a virgin something must be wrong with me.

3) Anger for telling the guy late in the relationship and having him waste his time with me when he could’ve gotten sex from another woman.

4) I’ve been told virgins are clingy, virgins bleed too much and it’s too much to deal with and he doesn’t want that responsibility.

5) I’ve been called a frigid bitch

6)I’m a prude,

7) I would be a boring lay similar to f****** a corpse.

8) I’ve been “advised” only to date Middle Eastern men as they love virgins.

9) One guy even told me he would f*** me AFTER I lost my virginity to someone else.

10) My own male friends tell me not to say anything to potential mates as it would turn most guys off.

When I was 14 a boy in my class asked me if I would have sex with him. I told him I was a virgin and wasn’t ready and he laughed at me and told the entire 7th grade class. While it was still embarrassing, I would expect that from a 14 year old boy. I don’t expect men in their mid 20’s to be saying such awful things.

A guy can say he doesn’t find virgins a turn on / doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with a virgin with out all the added

insults.

My non virgin female friends have this belief that guys love virgins when clearly from my experience guys don’t. And when I tell them, they don’t believe me. They say I’m being dramatic, but then will turn around and ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend / haven’t had sex yet.

I feel lonely and isolated. I feel I can’t talk to anyone.

My other two friends (we are the only three in our group still virgins) are also late bloomers and they share the same stories with guys saying horrible things or ditching them. My friend said a guy told her he felt sorry for her to still be a virgin and that she was missing out on sex! So it’s not just me!

And these comments and stories are from my high school years, my college years, and currently my grad school years. Meaning men of all ages, different backgrounds, education, etc. I guess what I mean is it’s guys I would not expect to say such things

I guess my question is why do my non virgin female friends have this belief that guys love virgins when clearly from my experience guys don’t. Or in general where does this belief come from that guys love virgins? Are they just saying telling me this lie not to hurt my feelings? Are they telling me so I don’t bad about being a virgin? I would rather them be honest and say dating may be harder due to my being a virgin.

Even my own guy friends are more honest. They say they respect women who keep their virginity, but they themselves prefer experienced women for sex AND relationships. My friend said it’s not attractive to teach a woman how to f***.

I don’t tell the guys I’m dating upfront I’m a virgin. I usually wait until I’m comfortable with the guy. And seeing as how I’m insecure about being a virgin to begin with it takes me awhile to get comfortable with a guy. It’s just make me sad and heartbroken that when I do reveal it, they act like I’m a leper.

Am I doing something wrong? Should I just not tell a guy at all? I know people say if he doesn’t appreciate your virginity, he isn’t worth losing it too, but c’mon! From age 14 to 26 (12 Years) guys have made me feel worthless for being a virgin. It makes me more anxious around men. And makes me question if my virginity is worth saving.

View related questions: affair, celibate, frigid, heartbroken, hymen, insecure, lost my virginity, middle eastern, my ex, one night stand, orgasm, shy

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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2018):

nothing can create a bomb-proof marriage but andie is right that living together beforehand has been proven to give a better insight to compatibility. it hasn't made no difference as one poster suggested.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018):

I do wish living with people before marriage made a difference regarding the future outcome and success of a marriage. That's not really the case. Compatibility and trust is the foundation a good relationship is built upon; and other things fall into place. You can't avoid faults and imperfections in people; and living with them will not always expose what's in them that may destroy your union. Unforeseen events occur that you never saw coming is usually what ends a relationship of any kind, including marriage.

Time and experience prepares us; and how we apply what we've learned decides the success of anything we do.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAll I'd say about not having sex before marriage is that it's like not living with someone before marriage. Until we live with someone for a few months, we can't understand:

- what quirks they have,

- how they handle bills,

- how they sleep,

- bad habits,

- their financial stability,

- how they deal with anger,

- how they handle stress,

- etc.

Back in the day, a lot of people were in unhappy marriages because they had one view of their partner until they married and moved in.

If you don't have sex until marriage, you could find yourself rushing into marriage to have sex or marrying someone you're not sexually compatible with and that often leads to divorce.

Some people compromise - only having sex and moving in once engaged - to have that commitment in place, but still be able to back out if you can't improve the incompatibilities. These people also usually have a "will not get engaged until at least 18 months in" rule to weed out the people who will rush into engagement to have sex.

If you're going to wait until marriage, you'll need to make sure you're both open to counselling for problems that pop up once you live together and have sex.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Everyone, thanks for the insight. I’m just going to wait until marriage to have sex. I’ve waited this long, so I might as well just keep waiting. I won’t confide to my friends anymore about my sex life (or lack thereof) / virginity. I’ll simply focus on my studies. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018):

Allow me to add my two cents. I've posted several topics about my own virginity here.

I was burdened at a point with my virginity. Most of the guys i told (those I saw a potential relationship with) wanted nothing to do with me except i was willing to give sex. I never did of course.

I always thought that the world would stop when I finally had sex or a prince charming (a very successful man, etc) would meet me and he'd be all I wanted and my life would be happily ever after. Nope it didn't happen.

For me, at 24 I was ready to have sex and while I am neither proud nor ashamed to say this, I started seeking out strangers I went on one or two dates to have sex with and I was upfront about wanting to have sex with them and I'd never done it before. They all ran away. One even told me to go have sex then call him back.

I finally summoned the courage to have sex with a man who is not my type after our 3rd date. I got rid of it and the world didn't stop. But till this date I never told this man I'd never had sex before.

Not to frighten you, but it was very painful and I bled but I lied to him I was on my period. When I look back now, I do not regret doing it. I don't feel any different or feel like I've lost something. He was a stranger but we started dating about a month after i did the deed. It's not a happily after ending. I was just ready to have sex and that was it. If we breakup, I plan to be Celibate.

My advice is, do not place your whole being into your virginity. You will keep meeting people who will make you crazy about it. Keep it, lose it, wait for it and all sorts of nonsense. Your life and your body is your own. If you wanna keep it for your husband, do it, if you wanna have it with someone you feel a great connection with, do it. Trust me and I say this, Sex is not all that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018):

Honestly, most guys don't care one way or the other. Some do and they're not worth it.

Sex can be great, but usually only when there's a really good relationship behind it. Most one night stands pale in comparison, except for some people who just want sex, sometimes women who aren't too fussed about orgasming or men who orgasm easily with strangers.

Most men are more likely to have a serious relationship with a woman who has had fewer sexual partners than one who has had close to or over a hundred, for example.

However, when you have sex is totally up to you. Make it count because it can affect how you feel about sex for quite a while.

Guys who make a big deal about a girl being a virgin are just being stupid and immature. There are always going to be people who tease you about things. You have to learn to figure out YOUR opinion and stick to it.

Don't waste your first time - not for virginity's sake, but just because it can be a good experience or a bad one.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018):

Do you think for yourself, or do you have to have people make life-decisions for you? That's what it comes down to.

First of all, you're an adult; entirely responsible for yourself, and what decisions you make that could alter your life. Decisions that are either beneficial or disastrous. You live with the consequences of your own mistakes, and get to celebrate your victories.

I make my decisions based on reason, knowledge, experience, education; and I may seek the wisdom of my elders. I pursue expert-opinion when the situation calls for it. As opposed to listening to the ramblings of a bunch of drugged-out, social-media addicted, impetuous young people who throw caution to the wind. Judge the validity of their advice by their habits and consistency with what they say.

Consider your sources of information and fact-check! That's what books and publications are for! Sometimes you have to follow your gut!

It's up to you what you want to do with your virginity. You're not a teenager. You're a full-grown adult; and hopefully, an educated-woman. You may not have sexual-experience; but you do have common-sense. You know recklessness disregard for your well-being will result in a catastrophe.

Stupidity brings everything to ruin and destruction. So using thought and consideration before carrying out an act or deed will usually save you a lot of anguish and regret.

You can offer yourself up anytime you're ready. The opinions of others towards sex is basically irrelevant; as far as your own body and mind are concerned. You live with what YOU DO!

First off, guys shouldn't make you feel worthless; you are old enough to know you are not who people say you are, you are who you know you are. You get to pick and choose who you're with. If he's a jerk, he goes on the reject pile.

People toss insults all the time. You have to consider the source; and what they say shouldn't stick if you're smart enough to know it's not true! You'll only survive if you develop the necessary tools to do so.

People will trample you underfoot, if you allow them to. Surrendering to untrue personal-attacks is weakness; and you will be doomed to a life of being tossed from left to right by what people say, meant to hurt your feelings. You have to have a thicker skin.

Self-esteem is homegrown, and determines how much you value yourself. Built-in knowledge of your self-worth. Self-esteem is also self-maintained. It's not sold over the counter; or issued to women by men. People can be bigoted and full of themselves. They will try to make you feel worthless based on your skin color, race, sexual-orientation, political-affiliation, religion, and marital-status. So my dear, toughen-up, or go down!

People offer you flattery. That may boost your ego, but ego is based more on pride and vanity, than self-worth. If you've built your self-esteem on the right principles and don't let people tell you who you are; it will take a lot of work to undo it. Not a few nasty remarks, sarcasm, or criticism; which you are likely to get from at least one out of every three people you'll meet in a day.

If you don't know yourself, and have not established your own system of values and opinions; then I guess guys can make you feel worthless. Don't lay all the blame on them for that, own some for yourself for allowing it. You weren't born to be told how to live by other people; you were given a brain to decide for yourself.

People can be mean and cruel; but you've got to live in the same world. You can't be a namby-pamby weakling on this planet; and allow the opinions of others make your life totally miserable. Sex is good and it's bad. Your attitude and use of it determines which one it is.

When to decide to give your body to a man, should be based on trust.

How you feel about yourself afterwards is based on your confidence and self-esteem. Being a well-balanced woman. Knowing who you really are, seeking your fullest-potential, and asserting what you truly stand for. While remaining open-minded to constructive-criticism and good-advice.

Accept opinions about sex and anything else, only when it is supported by certifiable evidence, good intentions, and based on fact! Experiences differ from person to person. You'll get confused if you ask too many people. If you take a survey; then decipher from your information what holds true and consistent.

Your virginity is held to whatever esteem and regard you wish to hold it. It's yours. It's your body. What other women have done with theirs is their issue to live with. It has no impact or influence over how you will feel when the time comes that you wish to lose yours. You can only feel what happens to you. You can only hold empathy for others.

We are not one collective-consciousness; we are separate individuals with our own choices to make. What's good for me, may be awful for you!

There is nothing wrong with you; except for the fact you care too much about the opinions of others about something that is very private and personal. You have total and complete control over when your virginity is lost; unless it's taken by force.

You can give it away just to get rid of it. It's not as big of a deal as you're making of it. It's a natural biological phase in the life of every human-being born and lucky enough to survive to full-maturity. You're a virgin until you're not. The world doesn't change when you decide to give it up, just you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (29 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntBeing a virgin doesn't make you a unicorn or some rare weird thing, ALL it means is that you are SEXUALLY inexperienced. For now.

NOTHING wrong in that.

TBH "saving" your virginity is not a matter of being weird. I think if you replace virginity with - first time it won't feel as odd.

I also don't think having a FWB for your first time would be a good idea. As you have NO - ABSOLUTELY no idea how having sex with someone will make you FEEL about that person.

WAITING to have sex the first time until you find someone who:

1. don't CARE if you are inexperienced (aka virgin)

2. who LOVES you for you - your personality, your company, the things YOU add to a relationship - not the fact that you having had sex. That is actually pretty minor.

3. someone you can TRUST. Having sex can be VERY intimate - after all you are SHARING your body and your partner's body.

You write:

"It just seems to me a bit hypocritical to encourage people to wait to have sex, or praise them for their virginity, but yet at the same time brag about sexual conquest."

Not really. I think it's people trying to be supportive of YOUR choice to NOT have sex yet. YOU make your choices and they make theirs. Seems like they actually admire you for sticking to YOUR choice. HOWEVER, they might also NOT feel that virginity was THAT important to them, they upbringing, cultural background, faith/religion etc.

Anyone who tries to make you feel worthless for being a virgin doesn't understand what your FRIENDS seem to understand. That this is partly a CHOICE you have made and partly because you haven't ventured into it yet. They aren't able to see things from another perspective then their own, plus... (and this is a big one) they KNOW you won't have sex with them... and quite frankly, they are IDIOTS. And without doubt they would also LOVE the make women who sleep around feel worthless (especially if she doesn't want to sleep with him).

And no, the advice to only date Middle-Eastern men is the dumbest thing I have ever hear.

I would say this, you MIGHT have to be more picky when you choose or look for a partner. Because you will want one who WANTS to share your first time. Someone who DOES have the maturity and the willingness to guide you. I use the term guide, not teach - because sex isn't that complicated with a partner you know and trust. Not even the first time.

While it IS more common for women to not be virgins as long as men, I think that does come down to two things - societal/cultural expectations and biology.

Societal/cultural expectations - in the Western world women are on most fronts equals to men (even-though double-standards are very common - like, a man with many partners is a stud! and a woman with many partner is a slut). It's not frowned upon if a women CHOOSES to be sexually active. While I DO find that many people treat sex more like "alleviation" for boredom or entertainment and not as a pretty intimate experience with someone you care about. And I think that is a little sad. but, I do understand that some find a form of "personal freedom" in having sex with whomever and whenever. THEIR choice.

From the biological standpoint - women are at their MOST fertile age in their early 20's. Now women CAN produce offspring as soon as they get their period and start ovulating. Which is why you see girls (teens) and young women marry young in countries were being a virgin is expected.

Anyways, back to you, OP

YOU are a virgin. So what? It's not like you grew a hand in place of your nose. (oh and virgins don't bleed excessive amounts if at all, so whomever told you that.. is full of shit)

If YOU keep making a big deal out of being a virgin, so will those around you.

TAKE your time in picking the man you want to SHARE your body with. Nothing - absolutely nothing wrong in that.

Don't "sell" yourself short in order to "fit in" with what "everyone else" is doing.

Virginity is neither a badge of honor not a curse. It just means no real sexual experience. I'm sure there are plenty of things you haven't done in life - skydiving, aerial silks, shooting a gun, surf, etc etc. While I do think sex is WAYYYYYYY more intimate that those things mentioned above - not having done something JUST means no real experience. THAT is it.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (29 June 2018):

chigirl agony auntSex is great. They are just telling you all that stuff so you can feel better about it. They try to be supportive of you. But no, they dont regrets having sex, obviously. They love it, as they admit themselves. The idea that men love virgins is from religion and the conservative environment. If you go to a conservative church, I am sure those men will apprechiate it. Dont wait for a guy to apprechiate your virginity though. Go for a guy who apprechiate YOU!

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A female reader, LolaK New Zealand +, writes (29 June 2018):

There is a psychological theory that posits that our beliefs/attitudes are not always consistent with our actions/behaviour. We tend to idolize people who value "saving themselves" and we believe that they are respectable because it is admirable to keep this for "someone special". While in reality, a lot of people get to a point where they are horny and just want to scratch their itch, even with no strings attached, and act in a way that is distinctly different from their beliefs of how "special" it is. Other people don't think virginity is special at all and sleep around.

I think that the answer will vary depending on the guy and the situation. If it is a casual encounter, a guy may prefer an experienced girl because when you haven't had sex before, you have no idea what you're doing, and you can bleed, so guys looking to get laid probably wouldn't want the fuss of getting with a virgin.

Plus, there is a stigma surrounding women who attach a lot of importance on virginity in that they may be clingy. This is because they see it as something special to be given to someone they care about that. There is nothing wrong with this, and this is exactly why some guys (as your friends said) who seek long-term, committed relationships will have high respect for you for waiting and giving them a part of you that nobody else has experienced.

Other guys don't care about their virginity and want to sleep with women who don't care about it either, so that they will less likely have these women pursuing them after they sleep together. Some guys might even like the idea of being a girl's first because there is something dominant about being the first to break her barrier, so to speak.

I am sorry that some guys have said such horrible things to you. I certainly agree that if guys say these things, then they are definitely not worth your time.

I am worried as to why you seem to be attracted these same types of guys. I think what you should do is have clear standards in what you are looking for. If what you seek is a long-term, loving, committed relationship, then seek someone who is looking for the same thing and similar interests who shows you that he is genuinely interested in getting to know you and spending time with you. These guys will likely have less of an issue with your virginity. My partner and I (both 23) have been together for 5 years. I waited two years into the relationship to have sex because I wasn't ready. We were each other's firsts. The first few times were awkward and there was blood but eventually it felt amazing. I am a very emotional, monogamous person, and I am glad that my first time was with someone I was in relationship with who I loved. Since this, I personally do not believe that virginity is particularly special in that I don't think that people who deliberately wait a long time or until marriage are any better or on any elevated moral high ground, but that is just my view. When you start to have sex often, even with someone you love, you may see it as a biological act, not this spiritual, extraordinary act that is extremely important, even if it is with someone you love.

I think if you can form a deep connection with a guy who is looking for a serious relationship then you should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about your virginity and he probably won't care because he'll love you and will want that stronger bond that comes with having sex with the same person repeatedly.

Ok, I just read that you're not necessarily looking for a boyfriend, that even a FWB could work. That may be trickier to find one that won't react to your virginity. To be honest, a FWB probably would not be a good idea particularly in your case, as you have probably heard of how women have a tendency to form emotional attachments with guys they have sex with. As you'd do this repeatendly with a FWB, falling for someone who does not want commitment could be painful.

You may feel anxious but I think that you should not put so much pressure on this. I have been there, feeling awkward and insecure about my sexuality. I have been pressured by ex-boyfriends from high school and I am so glad that I did not give in as I was not ready and would have felt used by them. Do not worry about it. When you feel ready, and the moment feels right, you will know. If you encounter a guy who is put off by your virginity, no worries, move on and keep your mind open to someone else who may be more suited to you and be more accepting and, above all, treat you with respect in all matters. Best wishes.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (29 June 2018):

janniepeg agony auntYour friends told you sex was overrated to make you feel good about keeping your virginity. Then they brag about their sexual conquests to console themselves that they are not having the best relationships, or not capable of having real relationships. Sex can feel great, but the ones who care most about sex are usually the ones who do not want to commit to relationships. Guys love loose girls for a fun time, but the double standard makes it hard to see them as wife material. Being a virgin or not should not be as important. What's important is that the guy himself values commitment and can devote to you. What makes it challenging today is that fewer people want relationships. It would be unrealistic to think that holding out for sex would somehow create a fairy tale where a prince would walk into your life. You still have to get out there to feel the connection. In your grand parents' generation, dating means companion and doing fun things together for a long, long time. Today, it means being a path towards clinginess, insecurity, emotional issues, debt, nagging wives and wailing children then divorce. You can also say that you can dream to have a guy who respects you for waiting, all others have raunchy sex then get dumped. I believe all the problems you are having are signs that either people have no interest in marriage or are postponing marriage until they are 30, 40 or finally financially stable. It's more obvious when you live in urban cities.

Guys don't specially love virgins or sluts. Some guys would love to marry virgins because they feel more secure with them. Guys have casual sex with sluts because it comes with no responsibility. It's all about what suits them at the moment.

Your guy friend who told you it's not attractive to teach a girl how to have sex. That's just one guy's opinion. I am guessing what he means is that he wants a woman to unleash her wild side and to take charge too. Also he wants an equal relationship, not a mentor protegee one. Who says you can't take charge once you learned? There are too many assumptions thrown on virgins that it's impossible to have an intelligent conversation with any of these people you mentioned. I wonder how many of these friendships are genuine. Friends are supposed to lift you up and give you inspiration, not humiliate you or make you feel less.

I am sorry you have such bitter experience for just being a late bloomer. Your friends are idiots. My response to you being a virgin, would be like "oh" and not make a big deal out of it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSorry, but I had to laugh at your friend's comment "when I have a boyfriend, he would never cheat on me because I gifted him with my virginity". You KNOW that is complete rubbish. He is no more or less likely to cheat on you. If he cheats, it is about HIM, not YOU.

I suspect the main "problem" some men have with women who are virgins, especially in slightly later years, is that they fear, if she "gifts" you her virginity, she will expect you to marry her. They are under the impression that the woman is waiting for "the one" before she loses her virginity and that they will be expected to live up to her expectations. This even extends to married men. I worked with a married guy who stayed away from home on business on a regular basis and picked up women in hotels where he stayed for casual sex. He used to brag about his "conquests" and was telling us once about a woman he picked up who told him, just as he was about to "do the deed", that she was a virgin. He completely freaked out and packed her off back to her hotel room without having sex with her, saying that he was afraid she would stalk him afterwards and want a relationship with him. He went on to say that his wife was a virgin when he met her "and look how THAT ended".

These men's attitude towards you on learning you are a virgin says much about them and in no way reflects on your life choices. I really don't know when the "right time" is to share this information. What I do know though, from my own experience and that of friends, is that you never forget your first time. If you have your first experience with someone who doesn't care for you, it will probably colour your view of sex for the rest of your life. I was lucky enough to have sex for the first time (at 20) with someone with whom I was in a loving caring relationship and, while my first time was awkward and painful, it was also loving and made me want more. I have friends who had casual sex as their first time and who were then put off doing anything else because the experience left them feeling used and useless.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2018):

Actually you have answered some of the concerns in your post yourself. I am a guy so I can tell you my thoughts but I don't know how the other guys think.As you have already hinted in your posts that guys who just want to pass a good time, they avoid the virgins because they don't want the commitment. Guys who fall in love with you and think of having a future with you definitley would be immensly pleased to know that you are still a virgin. Think of it this way without being too crude. Given the choice would a guy prefer to have a new car or a second hand car? As for the sexual experience, I assure you in sex, sleeping around with many guys doesn't make you any better at it. What makes you better with your partner is the feeling of love,openness,commitment and safety with being with them. Just one thing though, I didn't know that girls discussed between them their sex affairs and how a guy they met in a bar gave them the best orgasm of their live. In my experience first sex act between two persons is always awkward and worste one. So where did they get that best from? That is only written in romanic novels love.

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