A
female
age
30-35,
*uzie23456
writes:I have been pen pals with a chinese guy for 3 years . I am 19 and he is 23 and he came to my country 2 weeks ago to meet me this is his 6th time in a year he has came to see me. We had a really good time together and i spent a whole week with him.We didn't have sex or anything like that ever. He just wanted me to show him the place and i really enjoyed my time with him. I never make the effort to go to his place even though he asks me , but i keep thinking what if , what if this happens or that.He wants me to come to china next month i have promised him so many times but turned it down because i couldn't go well because i didn't want to go incase i never come back my friends told me to not go that china is full of dangerous people that he will take me and i'd never see the light of day. They changed my perspective i keeping thinking negative now.He is so nice that's the problem he acts like he is so interested in my country . When i think about summer all the good times we had it makes me wonder how could he hurt me but my friends the way they talked to me its like he will kill me. They freaked me out so bad. When they met him they acted nice towards him and bad mouthed him after he left .He is making this effort to see me i don't know why we are only penpals .Last week i kissed him i don't know there was this moment were it felt right and i really get this mushy feeling i want to go but my friends they said so much about China it scares me. He then thought when i kissed him that we were i don't know a couple? because the next day he gave me roses and i left them there to die. We fought and i blurted out what my friends said and he kicked the roses that i threw to the floor and walked away and i told him wait i was running after him and he said 'go away i cared about you and can't believe you would think i'd do something to you'.He won't talk to me anymore If i could i'd go back in time and change that but i can't. He sent me gifts for the past 3 years for my birthday i actually feel horrible ,i wish i realized it before but i think what did was wrong . What do i do he wont email me back i call him he won't answer me? PLEASE HELP ME!If we loved again i swore i'd love him right please advice! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 You didn't mention what part of China that he is from. There are several other languages in China besides Mandarin. China has good areas and very dangerous areas.It is true that you have to exercise extreme caution when traveling to another far away country, but a trip to China is relatively safe, due to the fact that the authorities will know your whereabouts, (approximately), and if anyone hurt you, they will get the death sentence or serve a lengthy jail term in a Chinese prison.Tourism is big in China and the people are friendly, warm, giving, and hard working.I wouldn't hesitate going back myself, and trust me, you would never regret going. Some people's idea of a cultural experience is a trip to Walmart. If you travel to China, do your research on the area that you will be going, and question your tour guide as to the modes of transportation, and know where you will be staying.As for your relationship with this young man. You did make him lose face and that is a big nono in Asian cultures. They do not forgive such acts like westerners might. You can apologize to him and remember his birthday. But, I can tell you from experience that he may never speak to you again. Unless he really likes you a lot. You would not believe the amount of Chinese women that I have known and loved, that stopped all contact with me because of one small disagreement.They believe that once things are over they're over. Lesson learned. No more time wasted, pure discipline.However, you will find that they are extremely patient people. He might wait 3 years, and then contact you.Your situation is hard to predict. If you have his address, you could send him flowers, or a small gift. Maybe put a smile on his face. I'm sorry that your friends made racist comments. I am Caucasian and was never taught racism. I think it's ignorant, fearful, close minded, hateful, weak, and mean.If it makes you feel any better, they're probably having a good laugh about your friends' behavior over there in China right about now.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 February 2012):
 This guy sounds as if he is well off and well connected that he can travel so often to your country so many times. Do you realize that China has a huge shortage of women? It is very hard for all men to find a wife.
Your friends sound racist and that is not nice.
On what do they base their ill-informed prejudices?
However what you did was insult him to his face. And it may be hard for the relationship to ever recover from this. As his 'face' has been very insulted.
Notwithstanding that it is important to understand that cultural differences are the biggest impediment to this relationship surviving.
What do you know about China? What have your learned about the culture and how things are in China? Are you skilled at making food that he likes? Have you made the effort to learn to speak Mandarin? Without some skills of your own you condemn yourself to a very lonely existence in China.
If you could learn Mandarin then you may be able to get a job using your Engilsh skills.
Has he given you any indication that he can ever forgive you?
Why did you not put the roses into water and a vase immediately? That alone was a bad decision. And an insult to him.
Has he met your family? How did they react towards him? And how did he seem to interact with them.
Until your friends got into the picture you were feeling good about him. Why did you not try to share more about any concerns with him, little by little? Because he had no idea he was being undermined by your friends. You have more trust in your friends, it seems than in him.
You are correct on one point and that is that you should proceed cautiously. Ask him to show you pictures of where he lives and ask him how he enviages the future will be. But that may never happen as things have gone poorly, sadly for you.
And yes you are correct, some girls taken to another country find out that they are expected to work in the sex industry rather than become the loved, respected and appreciated partner of a man. But this man was not pushing for sex and that seems a good point.
Only a very very sincere apology may soften him, but there is no guarantee. You may have learned a big lesson to take all things into account, but do not deliberately insult and hurt a person who appears to really care about you and whose own behavior had not warranted such an insulting set of remarks - conveying all the prejudices of your friends. Where he had done nothing to warrant such a racist attack on his intentions.
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