A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have made a mistake that hurt my daughter badly. It was 10 yrs. ago, when she was 10. This guy who was a 'friend' was coming up to our house. He was interested in starting a relationship with me and likewise. My daughter got a kind of like 'puppy love' crush on him. Me and the guy thought that it was just something that would pass with her. Everybody has those crushes in their life that they laugh about when they get older. We didn't think it was a big thing. I talked with both my daughters about what they thought of him moving in with us. They were both very happy about it. So, he moved in. After several weeks of living together, she hated me for it all happening and still hates me today. Me and her got into a bad fight last night that all fell back to this. She told me that she has lived the past 6 years or longer having to see it everyday. Although she has gotten on to me about dwelling on the past, she has told me several times that she has forgave me, and to let it go. But the arguement last night let me know that she hasn't forgave me. She told me that me and her would never be close no matter what I do. I have told her that her and her sister are everything that I live for. I have been a single parent for the past 11 years. I have done without alot of things just so that they could have. I have allways busted my ass to try and give them everything that they have wanted. But, none of that seems to matter. I have told her that when I see other moms and daughters out laughing and spending time together that I cry. I want us to spend time together. She replied back with...I bet their momma hasn't done to them what you done to me either.She don't stop and think about who it is that bought her car for her and works on it when it needs it, who washes her clothes for her, who cooks her suppers for her, who wakes her up everyday so she gets to work on time, who has allways been here for her, who has helped her through college...I could go on! She has even told me that I embarrass her in front of her friends with my southern accent and wishes I wouldn't even talk when they are around. I just don't know what to do anymore. I told her that I was gonna leave last night and never come back. She told me that I was just running from my problem. She threatened to move out, so, who is running?!She got a job at the end of last year. She works as a dancer. I didn't agree with it at first but, I told her that she is 20 years old, an adult, who needs to make her own decisions in life and that all I could do is give her advice and hope that she did make the best of decisions. I told her that I don't all the time agree with what she does but if she was okay with the choices she makes then I stand beside of her. Every since this job, she has changed. It's like she is trying to be somebody that she ain't. She is honestly getting way above her raising. She talks to me awful...told me the other day to just 'shut the fuck up!' I'm trying to be the best of a momma that I can be. I don't know what else to do. Like I said, this all happened 10 years ago and she still hates me to this day. What do I do to make things better between us so that we can have a close relationship?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (23 February 2010):
Ok. I need to give you a wake up call. You need help. Your daughter is a sociopath and might even have a borderline personality disorder. She hasn't forgiven you for dating a guy she liked when she was 10???? That is strait-jacket asylum talk right there. I suggest that you seek counseling for her or for yourself to deal with this issue asap. She has used this excuse to make you her slave and you have fallen into her cycle of manipulation. So seek help for her. In psychology we actually deal with this as a condition and we call it the Electra complex when a little girl falls in love with a father figure. Now if you were a patient I wouldn't be this harsh with you, but you seem to be the type that needs a huge wack over the head because others have already spoken to you and all you still go on about is what a bad mother you are. You obviously love your daughter but instead of your love building her, its crippling her. How can you ever expect your child to be able to function as an adult when you act like her maid? In what way is this training her?? You need to really think about this, because you are not always going to be there to do things for her. So you have to give her the skills to do it herself. She is 20 years old and you do her laundry? My daughter is 14 and I don't remember the last time I did my own laundry because she does it!! My 12 year old son cooks lunch for everyone on the days he comes home early from school. My 5 year old vacuums her own room with a hand held vacuum cleaner. Ofcourse they complain at first but once you get them used to it its a no brainer. Our job as parents is to transfer the skills of life to our children for their own future happiness; if you don't train a child then the big bad ugly world will do it for you. Even animals do this; surely you have seen documentaries where lions teach their young how to hunt by wounding a small animal for them to finish off?? After the mother leaves them they can survive because they were taught to hunt for themselves. Whereas the sheltered animals in the zoo can never be released because they don't know how to care for themselves and will die of starvation if ever sent back into the wild. So if animals can do this by instinct, what has happened with you? What you are doing is destroying her. But from what you say you really need direct help and guidance. I would suggest a counselor who can help you step by step or even the local church usually has women's self-improvement groups and clubs where they meet and teach each other how to handle difficult children like yours. Its not too late, but you have to act now in order to save her from herself. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but the world (her boss, her landlord, her husband etc.) is going to be even more unforgiving of her behavior.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe says that she has had to deal with this for the past 6 years...coming home and seeing us together...and that every time she looks at me, it just reminds her of everything. I kinda understand. She told me that me and her would never be close, ever. I would love for me and both my girls to have the kinda relationship that my momma and me had. We made time for one another. I tell me kids everyday...several times a day...that I love them. She said that this gets on her nerves. She said that she doesn't like saying 'I love you' all the time, so, as hard as it has been...I have tried not to tell her so much today. It hurts. She said that I act like I hardly see them and that they live here with me. She came to me today and asked me if it would be okay for a couple of people to come to the house to hear her play her drums...she is trying out for a band. She has a huge drum set and doesn't want to have to tear them down and take them with her, so, she asked if they could come here for a little while. I told her that I understood and that I didn't mind.
One of you said that you would smack her in the mouth...well...in the past when she was littler...I done that several times. I felt like a complete bitch afterward to. I just wasn't gonna stand back and take her bad mouthing me. One of the reasons she started this is because when she started junior high school, she changed. She went from my little country bumpkin with the blond hair and blue eyes to a teenager that liked the all black outfits. She even came back from her dads with her hair dyed black! I had a fit! She started listening to heavy metal, hard rock music and reading books that I didn't agree with. I thought that she was heading down the WRONG ROAD and so me...being as old fashioned as I am...burned those books, some of the music cd's, and some of the band shirts she had...and I made her watch. I thought that all of that stuff was satanic and wasn't having it in my house! I WAS SO WRONG FOR DOING THIS!!! I have tried to tell her several times in the past that I was just trying to guide her and keep her from getting into trouble. I feel like such a terrible momma. I just want my kids to be happy and to know how much that I love them.
I have had several people in my area tell me basically the same thing that you guys have...to stop doing everything for her. I will try, but, it's gonna be hard. It's just the way that I am. Honestly, it makes me feel important. Is this crazy in me?
Thanks for all your help....each of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): she takes you for granted. i don't quite get the stealing her first love thing. i mean i do, but i don't think it's a good excuse for her to treat you like garbage.some kids want space, though...so give her more space than she ever asked for. stop helping with the laundry, and all the other little babying things you do for her, and obviously cut back on how you help her financially as much as possible. i know it's hard, but treat her like an adult and not an adult you have to take care of. she is spoiled. in your effort to show her your love and treat her well, she has become spoiled. you can keep giving everything to her, but it will NEVER EVER win more respectful love from her. this type of treatment does not help people become more humble. it just makes them more flawed in character as time goes on when they take it for granted.she obviously has always needed a male figure in her life, and now she has men at the stipper joint to pay attention to her...so more reason for her not to be nice to you, as she's getting the kind of 'love' she thinks she wants and needs. it hurts, but parents sometimes remind us of how small we felt when we were kids and perhaps how rejected and helpless we felt at a very early time. that on top of the fact that you do WAYYYY TOO MUCH for her has created a frankenchild. Treat her like you have confidence she will will do well in this world on her own (no more babying her) and that might be the first step on the long road of building a healthier relationship with her. oh, and don't forget to stand up for yourself. You might need to slap some sense into her. not literally, but figuratively. Yell if you feel very angry. Make her have second thoughts about being so rude to you.and, see a counselor if you can to help yourself build more confidence and gain more perspective on this issue. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I can not believe how ungrateful and rude your daughter is.
Before anything I would
ask her if anything ever happened if this guy ever did anything to her for her to feel like this and if not then it's time for you to change.
My mum left me and my 4 siblings when I was a baby and my dad looked after us. You sound like a great, caring yet down to earth mum many people would dream of having a mum like you.
your daughter sounds like a spoilt brat how dare she ven being up this stupid reason and use if against you and as an excuse to treat you like crap for ten years?! She should
appreciate how much of a great mum you have been to her and that you needed someone and she should be happy for you that you found love especially now she is older.
Enough is enough you need to sit down and talk to her and tell you will not accept her behaviour anymore , stop apologising to her you have done nothing wrong and when she is rude to you stop doing her chores for her isn't she old enough to do it herself?! Maybe get your other daughter to have a talk with her alone too.
If your daughter moves out please so
not feel like a bad mum maybe she needs space and time to appreciate you and realise how lucky she is to have you as a mum. Please don't let her do this to you anymore.
Seriously She needs to grow up I can not believe you are in this situation
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): You're letting her treat you like shit, just cos she's upset that TEN YEARS AGO you went out with this guy that she had a crush on. OMG. seriously her behaviour is not acceptable, I think you should stop doing her laundry etc. to show her how much effing work you do for her! Then she'll appreciate you more ! Stop being such a pushover and slave.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 February 2010):
Took her first love away? Well, that's bordering on the pathetic. She has a very warped view if she sees it like that. You have two options. You can either talk with her and say that you are sorry that this happened, but that you would like a relationship with her. Or you could do what I would do and tell her it's time to flee the nest and fend for herself. Because this is just warped. If she treats you this badly, then you're better off without her and focusing on your other child. As hard as it may sound, you mustn't let her treat you badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he has never done anything to her to hurt her...he has been a great father figure to both my girls, being there for them when their real father wasn't. She says she hates me because I took her first love away from her. She says she can never forgive me for that. Like I said, I have done and still do everything that I can for her to show her how much that I love her. She comes home from work and does nothing but sleep or play her drums. I cook for her, do her laundry, wake her up...anything that she needs. I have allways done this for both my girls. I have done without so that they could have. It just seems like the more that I do to try to show how much I love her, the worse it gets. She told me that she is not the 'huggy' type. I would love for her to just give me a hug every now and then and just simply tell me that she loves me...but...no. Sometimes, when she does hug me bye before she goes to work, she acts like it kills her to do it. I just want her to please forgive me and work on out relationship...although she says that we will never be close...ever. I won' give up.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 February 2010):
There are two things that can have happened. 1). This man who you live with abused her and she hasn't said anything. 2). She simply feels neglected (which may not make sense, but may be the problem). She has no right to treat you this way though, so don't take it. That's not your job. I would suggest that calmly you ask her exactly what is it you did that made her hate you so much, and tell her to be honest. If she doesn't come clean and continues to tread you this way, then you will have no option but to ask her to leave. You can only fight so much before it becomes that she is the problem and not you. However, something is clearly eating away at her, so you need to ask her exactly what it is.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (21 February 2010):
Your post is not making sense. Do you mean she hates you for dating this guy? Or did he abuse her or something?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): What does she hate you for? For him moving in? That sounds strange since you asked her about it.
And children are cruel. As a mom of many years you should know that. She has found a button and she is going to keep clicking on it till it keeps working. Don't tell her you want to be close or anything. Get a life. You have already done what you needed to do. Children are not the reason you are alive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): She's immature, get her to move out or have some respect.
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