A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 40 years old and just got out of prison after 10 years almost two years ago. I went straight into a halfway house where I followed the rules, went to AA (my drug of choice is alcohol although I've done other things before prison), got a job a year in at The Salvation Army Warehouse, caught up on legal fees and child support and got a sponsor. I also completed parenting, anger management (didn't need it), financial management, computer, cooking, and housekeeping classes. I even got my record sealed ov everything but my OVI, child endangerment, and accidental homicide charges. The halfway house was in the same town as the prison, four hours away from where I lived previously. I did not want to go back to my hometown because of harrassment from my family and the family of the victim. I wanted to start over. I had no probation or anything after I completed the halfway house. I even have a chance to get my license back in the future.I moved to a larger city, taking the money I'd stacked up, and lived in a shelter for three months. I got jobs at Burger King in the morning (I open at 5am, get off at 1pm), and at The Salvation Army (a different one) in the afternoon. I found a small efficiency above a store close to the downtown bus hub and I can walk or take a Lyft to work when the buses aren't running. I go to an Evangelical Baptist Church on Sundays and Wednesdays and AA meetings the other days.The problem is, I want to keep my past in the past and move forward. My bosses know my record because they hired me and saw. My coworkers don't need to know. I told them not to tell. The store manager was/is very understanding at BK. At SA, there are a lot of people with records and they want to know mine. I keep firmly saying, "it's in the past, I don't want to get into it". This caused a co-worker to look me up online and tell everyone! Her excuse was, "I thought maybe you were a pedofile since you were so secretive. Plus everyone else told you what they did". My sponsor and two sober supports know but I want them to keep it private! I don't think everyone needs to know my whole story, just that I've had an OVI and that my son is now 21. He never visited me in prison (not allowed to because of my parents who also visited once a year). He wrote me on Christmas and my birthday but that was it. No support from them.Church doesn't know, but Pastor and his wife do and I've had it spread around anyway so I'm not treated the same as I was. (I blame Ms Vicki, I think she told the choir and the daycare and the Ladies Bible Study group).The problem is my parents want me to move back home even though they don't come visit at all. They are trying to get more money out of me even though I'm paid up on child support and Anthony is 21. They feel that if I could afford legal fees and save up $2,000 to move cities i should have moved home and lived with them and paid them more. They don't care I was being harrassed while in prison by people from my hometown. Or that no one would have hired me because my release was all over the news. I got a lot of hate mail. My parents never visited but once a year.I generally like it here, I sleep on an air mattress and I just bought a new convertible couch (red) (yellow) coffee table and end tables and I had two (blue) chair donated to me as well as pots and pans, glass baking dishes and a set of plates and silverware. Once a month I take the money I've saved and buy things for the bathroom or the bedroom or kitchen. I'm supposed to be free. I'm off papers.But now my family is trying to get me in trouble for underpaying (the agreement was $100 a month plus $50 back pay) even though I didn't underpay at all. A lot of my money saved came from plasma donation or dogsitting. I explained that to my parents but they just called welfare and tried to get me in trouble for under reporting. Which didn't work because I'm not on welfare (too much money and I'm a felon). I'm planning to send $250 to Anthony for Christmas but it seems he never got the gift cards I sent him last year! If I change my number I lose contact with my son (he lives with my parents and goes to community college to be an electrician). What do I do to get people to stop trying to ruin the new life I'm trying to build?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): I think if your parents are paying for your son then you should contribute sure, or invite him to live with you. He's your son after all, not theirs! But I don't agree that you should live with them because it sounds like they have quite a toxic effect on you and I don't see why it would be necessary for you to live with them in order to contribute financially to your son. Can't you set up an arrangment between you and him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): Thanks do much everybody! My parents problem is that they want me to move in with them and give every cent to them and Anthony. They don't think it's right that I should ever have my own place and new things. They've never drank themselves and I was raised that it's wrong for even non-alcoholic people to drink.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): I'd be careful about some of the advice here.
It's very good practice to recognise when people, including your own family, may have ill will towards you and to keep them at a distance whilst you focus on building a good life for yourself and, in the future, for people who will care about you.
Being mindful of ill will from others does NOT mean that you can't be positive and hopeful. Practising positive thinking does not mean fooling yourself that everyone in the world is kind and good and has no ill-will.
I think there is a real danger in pretending to yourself that there is no ill will in the world and that people's actions may not be so vindictive or damaging as you suspect. You will know when you meet good people and, even then, their trust has to be earned bit by bit, over time. Good people know this, and will consistently bring good things into your life, at a slower and steadier pace. Others will, for whatever reason, intend to harm you. No-one, absolutely no-one is perfect; even good people will make mistakes and get things wrong. Time allows you to build trust with people.
Your family are showing none of these signs at all. They want money BUT the basis on which they want that money is quite telling. They see you flourishing and they feel threatened by it and want for themselves what they perceive you as having. Also - just a thought as we don't know enough of your background - were your parents the reason you struggled with alcohol in the past? Did you have a damaging childhood? It seems like you have done a huge amount of work to get on a good path in life but I wonder if some kind of counselling is needed, perhaps to understand what may be a bigger picture regarding your parents. They seem to feel entitlement over you. And that can stem from abusive personalities.
I think counselling could also help you to decide what moves, if any, to make regarding your son. A separate bank account for you and him could help but, as someone pointed out, you don't have to buy his affections. In terms of finances, I would keep going as you are; building up your own reserves just for you is the best move you can make. If you can keep going in that way, you can eventually reach a point of real financial independence and, ironically, this will make it harder - not easier - for anyone to take financial advantage of you, including your parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): Your son is 21 years old, he is an adult, why can you not talk to him direct and try and sort out sending him money if he is still at college. Look i can see that it seems your parents are trying to cause trouble but at the end of the day they didn't ask to take on your son and the costs and while it is okay for you to feel they didn't visit you and it bothers you maybe they had their own reasons. There are two sides to every story and i hate to say this but yes it is great you are doing well but we have no idea of their struggles, of your sons struggles and as a parent myself when you CHOOSE to have a child you step up and you do what you can for them, do they feel you could do more?
Whatever you did you served your time and you obviously want to move on from it and it's great that you are, but i would suggest honestly that you arrange to meet your parents and your son at an agreed mutual place and communicate properly, reunite and see exactly where they are coming from and for them to see you too. Best of luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): God bless you, my dear! Your sins and transgressions are forgiven and forgotten by The One who is most important...your Lord Jesus!
You can't hide anything these days, this is the information age; and people love digging-up and exposing your secrets. They love spreading dirt on you; to gain some unfair advantage, or to destroy you. If you have given your life to the Lord; you know that with deliverance comes persecution and oppression.
You've fought your way back, and the devil's job is to drag you back to where you were. It's not really the people, but the spirit of oppression within them. That's what prayer and meditation is for. Don't just go through the motions of showing-up at church; pray for His protection, and put your faith to use! There is power in the name of Jesus! For those who have faith and believe! Unbelievers scoff and laugh at it. They think it's mythical and unscientific! Let them live according to their own beliefs. Look at the changes you've made! That's firsthand proof He saves!
Once all is out in the open, secrets lose their power to constrain and restrict your freedom. People will be cruel to you whether they know bad things about you or not! It's human-nature, and if your pastor isn't getting this across to you; perhaps you should keep seeking an anointed-teacher who can better convey the gospels and scripture, so they will work for you. Prayer opens-up and strengthens your relationship with God; and it gives you access to His power. People judge us, betray us, lie about us, and torment us. If we know Christ, He makes this all bearable; and it gives us a shield against our enemies. Look how strong you are! You haven't collapsed and broken to pieces, you've pressed on! Not on your own, but with His help!
It seemed when I gave my life to Jesus, everything and everyone turned on me. Friends stabbed me in the back, my co-workers envied me, and people I though I could trust abandoned me. I kept reading my Bible, I kept listening to the teachings of good ministries; and I began to understand that this comes with the territory, and we will always face challenges. Going to God doesn't mean our troubles completely disappear. This misunderstanding is why many give-up. Matthew 7:14: "14 But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it."
Part of your redemption is repaying your debt for the pain you've caused others. However, your trials are not always from evil; it's also a test to strengthen you. It's pushing you to continue your journey to salvation; and when "God's for you, who can be against you?" Read the Book of Psalms; and other scriptures regarding Forgiveness and Salvation. Remember how the Son of God was nailed to a cross, by people who hated Him for telling the truth. Your suffering is bearing your cross for Him. You will be blessed, and you are blessed. Though you are gaining in small steps, you are gaining. Nobody can take that away from you. If they discover what you did, and if they turn against you; you are not defenseless. You pray on it! If your family makes demands upon you; you don't have to bend to them, unless you're lawfully required to. If you're happy where you are, stay put; and don't move until the Holy Spirit tells you to move.
Your son is 21 years old. Sending him money to buy his affections may be a mistake. If you owe back child-support, have a special account setup at a bank in both your names, where only he can withdraw the funds. Pray on it, and the good Lord will guide you. I will pray for you as well!
Go with God, and nothing can stop you, my dear! Peace be with you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): Most ppl would agree that drinking and driving is a terrible thing to do b/c you could hit & kill someone.Add a child to the mix and you're basically just scum. You didn't just make a mistake, you made a selfish choice to get behind the wheel of a car. Many ppl probably don't believe you deserve to get your life together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): I disagree with code warrior that people aren't trying to ruin things for you. Your parents clearly are. They're trying to get you in trouble and that is bizarre and horrible. And you can't just 'interpret' your way out of it. Hopefully though there's a paper trail of money. If there isn't, start making one. Don't give them cash, always transfer by bank etc so you that if they lie about you then you can prove they're lying.
I do agree that people will always ask you about your past. It's time to come up with a strategy for dealing with it. Some people will let it go if you say you don't want to talk about it. Others won't. So decide what you want to do about those people. Your co-worker is a horrible busy body and so is Ms Vicki (and not too Christian to boot.) But you can't control that horrible busybodies will be in your life. You can only control what you do about it.
It sounds like you're doing really well. Don't let your parents behaviour cut you off from your son. Just keep doing what you're doing and try to engage with them as little as possible. If you suspect your parents are taking your sons money/gifts then is there a way to give it to him directly? Like paypal? An amazon voucher you can email to him?
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