A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just found out my husband has a fuck buddy in another state. Once every six months he is there for work. I saw a text from her while he was sleeping and he later confessed when I confronted him. I am in a state of shock and utter despair at the moment. I am shocked that he'd betray my trust, and throw away a 12 year marriage and 3 amazing children over somebody he sees only once a year for a week! For a fuck buddy? He never had a relationship with her beyond sex is what he's told me. The two of them never chatted about their feelings, what was happening in their lives etc. He wasn't invested in this woman.But why would he be involved at all? We have always had a fantastic sex life and a close relationship. He was my very first love. And sexual partner. I am rather baffled at why any woman would wait around to have sex with a man only once a year. How would that even be good enough? My husband has promised never to go back there and said it was just sex and meant nothing. He's been going there for work for as long as we've been married. He said their affair has been going on for just 2 years but how will I ever know if it has been ongoing for the whole time we've been married?I am ready to end this marriage. He is saying to not ruin our lives and the lives of our children over someone that meant nothing. He said it was not an affair. Just sex. Why even bother with a person you only see once a year?What am I supposed to think?
View related questions:
affair, fuck buddy, sex life, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): I think the last advice you got it plain silly and I'm sure you wouldn't stoop down to his level. Best revenue honestly, leave him, move on and be happy x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Find your own f buddy. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine to really understand the impact of their selfish actions. It hurts. And once it's done to them, they will understand how devastating it is. And that is the lesson they need to learn all along.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): Sounds like the play/movie Same Time Next Year. Married to others a couple has a one night stand away from home. They decided to redo it every year at the same time.
Your husband is BS-ing you. He knows all about her. With him as your only partner i guess you can believe they don't talk about personal stuff -- it's just sex and have a nice day. You never had an illicit fling. I imagine it's that way with a prostitutes -- but not some lady he meets once a year. I know all about my friends with benefits (from years ago) -- almost everyone chats about personal stuff during sex with a new partner.
Have him come clean, somehow make sure he stops, put him the doghouse and forgive him if you can. Probably half of us happy married folks think about cheating just for the adventure.
And it's not just not the guys, it's usually a married woman we cheat with.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): You also need to go to the doctor and get tested for STDs. Just in case she gave your husband a STD and your husband passed it on to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): I have to agree with the anon poster who says this woman is nothing special . Men are ( sadly ) very discriminate in how they judge women and their standards of how we should look and behave . For example most want partners who’s stay trim and who look youthful ( and at least the are the things they desire and will stare at and even critique women on as you’ll see from many post here ) and on top of that most want women who have slept with few men.in Effect men have sat in judgement of women’s looks and sexuality for attempting to control it . HOWEVER and this is the big part many women don’t understand , most are very indiscriminate in who they sleep with . If a woman is weak enough to think she will gain a mans approval or attention through sex he will take it and it’s likely that’s all this was
Does this mean he should be forgiven . I doubt it . It means the next time a woman makes herself available he is likely to repeat the same path . Now notice when I spoke of men being indiscriminate I said ‘most ‘ not all . You have one of the guys who fall into the most category . It is possible to find one who’s not like this and won’t jump at the chance just because a woman offers it
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019):
I read posts like yours and, curiously and because I was cheated on several times by my long term partner and tried to make it work, the feeling that I always get is "but all men cheat, she's lucky he didn't do it more". Now, whilst I can see that my response is not right, it's because I simply don't trust anyone anymore and that's BECAUSE I fell for all the bull that my partner told me about his affairs and so on.
We were not married but together for 17 years and I spent about 8 years after that, trying to get over what he had done. Long story short, I became so ill with stress that I could no longer work or pay my mortgage, I had to sell my home, I was so damaged by the relationship AND trying to mend it that I lost my chance of getting over him and finding someone trustworthy. I look at women today with men who seem nice and may be trustworthy and I just feel like they are on a different level of existence to me; that they somehow managed something that I don't deserve and was never able to attain; a trustworthy partner.
You husband telling YOU not to ruin your family is the tip of the iceberg and, to my mind, this is all part and parcel of the cheaters mindset and very dangerous - I recognised this immediately. Psychologically implicating you, bit by bit, phrase by phrase, day after day, making you feel somehow responsible - this is how you will lose the chance to rebuild your trust in men again, because if you let this continue you will generate so much self doubt, so much uncertainty.
I'd strongly suggest start getting a different perspective on your husband. What you say suggests he never actually was the man you thought he was. It seems you were very naive when you met and married him and, through that lens of naivety, assumed he had the same standards and values as you. But men who have a cheaters mindset very often find someone very naive as the 'basis' for their life; men who have affairs very often have narcissistic tendencies and a sense of entitlement and they do, I have found, like to create a kind of 'perfect' family home, with a beautiful and loving partner who basically acts like an extension of their ego; you make him look good AND, very importantly, rather than truly value and honour you and your children and your home, something at the back of his mind tells him that what this is is the 'springboard' or basis from which he can then feel secure enough to go out and get more.
Honestly I cannot emphasise the above enough. It's as if everything that you give into the relationship only serves to endorse the sense of narcissism and entitlement; someone else here mentioned opportunity - I would suggest entitlement is a more appropriate word because it's the entitlement that allows him to even perceive the situation as an 'opportunity' whereas other men simply wouldn't.
His shiftiness in trying to make you feel like it is your responsibility to hold the family together, after he betrayed you all, is a very clear sign that he cannot take full responsibility for what he has done. This is another sign of narcissism and entitlement; nothing is ever their fault - they may sorry now and again in a superficial way, but underneath that, it is always someone else who has to either take the blame or sort out the mess they make.
Please, please do NOT waste your life like I did trying to help a man who is basically an entitled baby who doesn't want to fully grown up and take responsibility and who simply uses everything in life that should be good and that you've built together, simply as a starting point for him to go out and extend his greed and selfishness. Forget about the particularities of the woman involved; I know it might seem like she has something 'special' but, believe me, she will probably be quite messed up in her own way and probably in her own way quite vulnerable and naive in a way that allows your husband to take advantage of her - not that I am defending her at all but I know from experience that women who do things like meet up once a year for sex are often very, very vulnerable and messed up women who may seem strong and powerful on the outside but inwardly are very damaged and lacking. There are countless women out there in that kind of state, so there's a sense in which he could have gravitated towards anyone; men like him have a radar for naive, vulnerable or damaged women.
Don't linger. Don't waste more time trying to help him to be something he is not. The signs are there and it will eat you alive trying to sort this one out. Move on. And see an attorney ASAP. Don't end up alone like me, who used to be so trusting, so giving, so loving and so very naive.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Although I agree with Code Warrior's response, I don't agree that your husband was attracted to her necessarily. Men will jump at just about anyone who is willing to let them use their body. It doesn't mean she is anything special. Ok? If it wasn't her, it would be somebody else. They aren't choosy when it comes to meaningless sex. I know it's not much but hope it provides a little comfort.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): I think focusing on her is misdirecting your energy. She doesn't owe you anything, your husband does. She doesn't know you or care about you and she might not even know your husband is married. But it's not her job to care about that, that's his job. It doesn't matter what she's like, it's not about that. Your husband didn't cheat on you because she is so incredible that he simply couldn't resist. He cheated on you because he thought he wouldn't get caught. That says nothing about you and everything about him. I know that when some thing like this happens it makes you lose confidence and doubt yourself but you need to keep telling yourself that this didn't happen because you lack anything, HE is the one who is lacking
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): OP read again i never said i agree with men who in their minds differentiate between love and sex just that some have this as some kind of reasoning, as i stated it baffles me and if i am honest i agree with you and it is a cop out and a poor excuse to cheat! Best of luck in how you choose to go forward x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Dear op don’t feel insecure , don’t feel she is more beautiful then you that’s why he cheated. I am sure there is lotsssss of handsome men then your husband but it doesn’t means you have to go and sleep with them.
I see many men’s cheat with their beautiful wives.
It’s not about someone looks it’s about cheater nature.
They want change and can’t committed.
I hope things will be better for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): I feel sorry for you.
My ex boyfriend cheated me and it took me so long to heal.
I can’t give you any advice. Your selfish husband wants to to sacrifice for kids . How about him?
He is the one to be punished not you.
I am sorry for your kids as well
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Hi, it's the OP. I am very grateful to all of you for your support and kindness. I don't feel as alone as I did. But I am pretty devastated. I still love this man but I hate him more than I love him. I feel so bad about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for him. :( And I ask myself what does she have that I don't? What's so good about her that she'd get him to turn his back on his entire family? She must be pretty special! It hurts so badly. I don't know how I will ever get through this. They just don't know the level of devastation it causes. It doesn't even cross their minds. To the lady who said these men love their wives but still have casual sex. I do not agree. When a man loves a woman, he is incapable of having sex with anyone else. Because he would never want to inflict that kind of pain on the woman he loves.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): You could try couple counseling if you wanted to work it out. Personally if it was me I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me. He obviously didn't care about your guys relationship or the kids while he was sleeping around with who knows how many woman. He could of gave you an STD or even got the other woman pregnant. He didn't care about ruining his family when he was getting pleasure.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): How dare that betrayer say that it was just sex and meaningless and that you should not ruin the marriage over this! OP, i am so sorry that the man you have invested your entire life in, has played fast and loose with your Love, Trust, and Feelings, as well as the Lives of your Children! I know that this feels like a category 10.0 earthquake to you! Betrayal and Guilt already rests upon this cheater! Like Wise Owl said, it reminds me of politicians who offend horribly, and then try to blame shift or plead ignorence! Make no decision in haste. Realize that the other woman may not even know that he is a married. She could also be a married cheater. You just do not know! So what we know is hubby is a cheater and a liar! Document everything and if you do end the marriage, seek legal council of your own! Do not be talked into using one attorney to save money and divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences! Every decision now, must be to the benifit of Your Children and You! My prayers are for You! Xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): I served in the armed forces, you would be surprised how many men can say they love their wife and sex is making love but they can have apparently meaningless sex with other women if they get the chance. I knew a man who said his wife was amazing in bed yet he still cheated as he liked the extra sex that was illicit.
A question for you but if it was just a hook up why was she messaging him? Unless he had been there very recently i guess
I am sorry but he falls into the category of a man who in his mind can differentiate the difference and almost separate himself into being the loving husband to a man who can have sex with other women and i am sorry i have no doubts that she is not just the 'chosen one' my feeling is if he could with her he would with others.
If you work on your marriage and give him a chance he MAY behave himself but he will work away and you will always have your doubts and he has betrayed your trust massively, only you know how remorseful he is but as others have pointed out he is actually shifting it onto you, had he of cared so much about what he had to lose why do it??
Truth is you will never get the real truth, not from him and certainly not from her so as has been said you need a long hard think about this, a temporary split to clear your head or at least no attempt for a sexual relationship with him if he stays under your roof. He has in effect shattered what you thought was a great relationship and family hub and you now need the time to think long and hard what is the best way forward, but i will tell you this please don't blame yourself, read back to what i said, in some men's minds they separate what they see as the love for their wives to just casual sex with other women, it's baffles me why some think this way but they really do.
Sorry you are going through this x
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 November 2019):
 I don't know about you but, for me, the fact it was "just sex" and "didn't mean anything" makes it even worse. The fact he risked your marriage, your happiness, your children's happiness and your sexual safety for "just sex" makes it seem (to me) like all those things are less important to him than getting his end away while he was away. Personally, if it had happened to me, I would have found it easier to take (and understand) if the other woman HAD meant something to him.
Of course there is always the very distinct possibility that he is trying to trivialize the liaison because he thinks that will make it easier for you to get over. Perhaps it WAS more than "just sex" but he can't bring himself to admit that to you. Only he knows the truth.
I think the first step towards you deciding how you move on from this is for him to admit he did wrong and try to understand how deeply it shocked and hurt you. It sounds from your post like he is trying to brush it under the carpet and pretend it's no big deal just because he says it was "just sex". Sadly, as you know, it is a HUGE deal. He then needs to work at rebuilding trust in your relationship.
Sending hugs. It's a dreadful dreadful situation and nobody can advise what the right thing is for you. Only YOU can make that decision. All I would advise is, don't decide anything in haste. And don't be afraid to tell him how angry and hurt you are by his betrayal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): Like certain horrendous incidents that have taken place in our government, the trend is to trivialize life-shaking incidents as just nothing! It seems that once you're caught, just plead or argue how insignificant it is; and you should be immediately pardoned, and life goes on as usual. The thing is, nobody feels they should take responsibility for anything; no matter how evil or earth-shattering it is!!!
I am most sincerely sorry that you would have to discover such terrible news! Especially, this time of year!!! God have mercy and bring you comfort by all means necessary. May God's peace and comfort rest on you, my dear! The grief must be unbearable, and you are certainly in shock!
It's being considered "meaningless" makes it all the worse; because up until he got caught, it would have gone on indefinitely! Not to mention your health exposure to secretive-sex; that he could have contracted an STD, and likely would have kept that hidden too! He probably never would have informed you had he tested positive for HIV, or some other sexually-transmitted infection. I recommend that you get a full battery of STD-testing. He slept with everyone she ever slept with. His indifference and betrayal also trivializes and devalues your trust!
We are only here to offer comfort and down-to-earth advice. I will be very careful about always endorsing or advocating divorce as a remedy to each and every significant marital-problem. Long-term marital-affairs and frequent cheating is justification to leave someone for good. If they have it in them to hide it, and be consistent with it; they may betray you again and again. They've lost their sense of guilt and loyalty. They've bypassed self-control, their conscience is anesthetized; and fidelity is no longer a part of your marriage. He is numb and apathetic towards your trust. He is mostly sorry he got caught!!!
It's not about what you should think, it's about about what you now know!
You wouldn't be ruining your family to leave him. He has already done that by betraying your trust; and tossing the sanctity of your marriage on the scrap pile. You will, and should, eventually forgive him; but that doesn't mean you have to remain the wife of a confirmed-adulterer! He's not just a boyfriend who strayed, he's your husband!
Sometimes marriages do recover and overcome these terrible events. The thing is, once trust is destroyed; the road back to rebuilding trust and security is a long and arduous journey. Most don't make it. Pray on it as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): OP here. So... if this woman has so many other men, why would she take the ONLY man I have? If she has lots of sex with different men, she would not need another woman's HUSBAND!!! Right???
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): "I am ready to end this marriage. He is saying to not ruin our lives and the lives of our children over someone that meant nothing. He said it was not an affair. Just sex."
He is the one who ruin all marriage, not you. By having sex with another person, he did have an affair.
Based on his actions (having sex with another person) and what he said, I don't think that you should ever trust him again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): He's tellling YOU not to ruin your lives. THE CHEEK!!. Oh my goodness you must be absolutely furious. He's manipulating you to make you feel as though if your marraige ends then it's your fault for not putting up with his behaviour. I'm actually fuming for you. Also it's worth remembering that he didn't tell you about this and beg forgiveness. You found out. It would still be going on if you didn't find out.
Do you really think this is the best you deserve? OF course divorce can be hard on children but so is living in a home where Daddy has no respect for Mummy and Mummy is miserable because she's settling for someone who cheats on her.
If you forgive him now, he will do it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): How dare he turn this around onto you and tell YOU not to ruin your marriage when HE is the one ruining it by having sex just because he could. You haven't done anything to ruin this marriage.
Sad fact. A lot of men will have extra-marital sex if they think they can get away with it. Not all of them of course, but many will. Women too of course, but men are driven sexually more than women are on the whole. So, when he had the opportunity for sex, he took it. He didn't think about your marriage and kids etc. That's how much he really cares. Another sad fact.
It doesn't sound as if you'll be able to put this behind you, or indeed ever be able to trust him again. You sound devastated and rightly so.
If it was me, I would be devastated, but, sadly, not surprised.
I think that HE has ruined your marriage, NOT YOU. So sorry for what you are going through. Maybe counselling would help to see if there is anything you can salvage from this. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2019): Please don't buy that old line that it was just sex and didn't mean anything. It meant a lot to you. It meant he betrayed your trust, your vows, you and your children. If he doesn't realize the hurt, pain and confusion he has caused you over having "just sex that meant nothing", then I wouldn't be too certain my marriage would be worth trying to save. What's to stop him from finding another fuck buddy to have more meaningless sex with. Does he really think if it meant nothing to him you shouldn't be bothered by it?
You might remind him that you're not the one ruining your lives and the lives of your children. He's the one that has ruined your lives by having casual sex just because he could.
Don't waste your time trying to understand his fuck buddy's motives. I'm sure she had other men to entertain her when he wasn't in town for his annual visit. I would suggest that both you and your husband get tested for stds.
...............................
|
