A
female
age
30-35,
*ovepink0411
writes:i have been with my husband for over 4 yrs. we hve a 3 yr old. he works a lot on his feet all day, hes a manager at a convenience store. he doesnt go out at all its work and bk home. i dont boss him around he has the freedom to do as he pleases hes not my prisoner. i was super fat and last yr i lost 50 lbs. prior to my weght loss i noticed he wouldnt pay attn to me in any kind of way. after the weight loss its still the same. no attention. we will have sex every other week. we r both 22. he used to say he was tired frm work. he still complains about being tired. then our daughter would go t bed really late, after he fell asleep so tht was another excuses for no sex. but aside from that i get no compliments no kisses or hugs unless its the morning and hes leaving for work. and it pisses me off because i try really hrd to tke care of my self and he wont notice! we had sex earlier and knowing it had been a while since the last time he didnt even try n mke it last! like he wwanted to get it over with asap. what do you think? what can i do different? what can i try? has anyone been in this situation before? what did you do to change it? (btw guys check me out everywhere we go and he wont notice or care i get compliments frm everyone but him :( ) Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 July 2011):
 Sorry, hit "Add Your Answer" by accident. Continuing...
...Foreplay starts when you wake up. By taking an active, sexual role now, you're re-building his image of you from the pregnant or overweight one, into a sexual one, closer to the girl he married.
What will stop him from acting on this will be his initial belief that the change in your behavior is only temporary. Once you've kept this up for a while (and be patient, you can't expect total changes in a week), he will start to realize you really intend to bring sex and appreciation for each other back into the marriage. Once he believes you're really trying to create a change, he should start responding by taking a more active role. So, instead of grabbing him and pulling him around a corner to make out, you could just walk by, wink at him, and have him chase you around the corner to start things himself (as an example). Then your role will slowly switch from initiating intimacy to responding - enthusiastically. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (16 July 2011):
"btw guys check me out everywhere we go and he wont notice or care i get compliments frm everyone but him"
I'll start by pointing out that telling him this would only damage the relationship more. If you haven't said it yet, don't.
A lot of couples go through what you're going through. You can work through it. What happened is that between your pregnancy and your weight gain, he pretty much lost interest in you physically. He probably still loves you and wants to be with you, but his body hasn't started responding to you again - either you're still bigger than you used to be, or he's still thinking of you that way, through no fault of his own.
I know women generally prefer that the man takes initiative, and that's a lot of what's lacking here. The good news is that once you can jump-start things again, he'll start taking initiative again. You just have to be diligent until you can get him into the active role again. The most important point here is that while you're prepping him for the active role again, you must avoid being mean or angry with him, no matter how frustrated you get.
Do your parents live nearby? Or do you have friends with kids, so you could work out an arrangement to watch each others' children? Find some way to get your daughter out of the house on a regular basis. Then get out of the house - houses with children have a particular sense to them that kills the sexual vibe. Go out somewhere and to flirt and kiss, then come home when you're already so horny that even tripping over a playpen won't turn you off.
Even if you aren't going out one day, flirt a little throughout the day. When you kiss him, do it for a minimum of five seconds (quick, short kisses are nice, but they don't arouse anyone), and give his ass a squeeze before you leave. Call or text him at work and ask what kind of underwear you should put on (bonus points if he answers "none"). Randomly rub his shoulders a bit when he's sitting down, and push your boobs against the back of his head for a second when you do. Pull him around a corner for a quick makeout session. Just give things a sexual vibe all the time - make a game out of it. Foreplay starts when you wake up.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (16 July 2011):
 Try going to a marriage counselor to talk things over, and try to find out if there's an underlying cause to his ignoring. Maybe it's just cause he's tired from work or maybe there's a deeper issue; who knows unless the two of you talk to someone. If he doesn't want to do that, then I have no answer. One person cannot fix a marriage - it has to be a mutual decision.
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