What do I do in the meantime while my boyfriend is in jail?

A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend is going to jail. I'm very confused about what to do. Here is the thing: we had dated previously and had had a very rocky relationship which ultimately ended badly. It had been a relationship full of lies and cheating and both parties took part in it. One thing that keeps me tied to this man is that we were young and stupid, both learned some valuable lessons, and are willing to try once again. He even distances himself from situations where he would be around those people or things I would feel uncomfortable with, including his own friends, until I can trust him again. We have both learned a bit about our self-worth and are willing to give it another shot, open and honest, and if that trust is breached I know I will be strong enough to walk away this time and still have my head intact. The real issue is not the cheating, because that is something that can be worked on once we have gotten back together and laid out our boundaries and worked on it together. However, the thing is that he ended up in jail while we were broken up. It wasn't a horrible crime by any means, in fact I and many people believe the people affected by the crime itself deserve bigger sentences, but regardless it was illegal and if it had just been the crime itself that was the problem I would wait for him. The real problem is that he had always lived a very unstable life (he had been a drug addict all throughout high school until recently) and was kicked out and forced to fend for himself. You'd think this would teach someone, but instead he was able to make girls fall for him and support him, as well as everyone he came across feel bad for him and give him a place to live for a while until they got sick of him not doing anything to help himself. Well, since he got out on bail he has been to rehab and is clean of drugs. He has plans to get a good job (this is possible through some work he has done in the past as well as being related to people in the construction business) and get his own apartment. The problem is that his trial has not been held yet, and so until then he cannot get a job and his own apartment as he may have to go back to jail for up to 8 months. He says he's changed, but I've heard it all before, and I know I cannot fully trust his words until he has proven it to me and this means until he is done with court and can begin to get his life on track. The problem is is that we have been acting like we are back together, without it being 'official'. This is mostly due to me not being able to fully commit myself to a man I do not trust (again, this trust issue is an issue of whether he will get his life together, not whether he will cheat on me or not because that comes secondary). We have talked a lot about it but it seems we can never come to a conclusion because underneath everything we really do love each other and have a very strong connection and the ability to communicate with each other very well - I have never been so close and open with anyone. I know I can and will meet another man who is everything I could want if it comes down to it. Deep down, we want to make it work, but I know it would be stupid and naive of me to wait for this man who has nothing going for him just because I love him. Therefore, I don't think I could wait for him because I would always feel like I am putting my life on hold - and for what? For his 'promises'? But we are both scared to face reality, because the reality is I cannot commit to him 100% at this point in time, and the reality is also that it's all or nothing. Either we are together, or we don't talk at all until we both have moved on because it would be much too hard for either of us to truly be friends and watch the other move on. We don't want to face that we probably shouldn't talk and that we probably should forget about each other. And while a part of me believes that things may work out even if we do end things if it's meant to be, I also know that you are in control of your life and you can't leave everything up to fate. I really love this man and I know it is very plausible he can change and I also know that we are both young and neither of us have fully stable lives and this is a time of growing, learning and finding that life for yourself, so I do think he can get out of all this a changed man. Do I wait, do I not, or do I do something in between? And what is that? Please help and try to be understanding. I know the situation sounds too messed up for some people to even comprehend why I am confused and don't just leave the man, but I really am in a pickle.

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