A
female
age
41-50,
*una06
writes:I dated my ex for 6 months in what turned out to be a pretty healthy relationship. What I liked about it was, we moved closer with time, not distant and bored as can happen with a lot of people who get overly in fatuated and based on those feelings they initiate a relationship. Anyway, we were really getting closer and moving toward being serious (I was his first longer-term gf in three years, since he was dumped by his one and only college gf of two years). My (now) ex and his ex had always remained good friends and in close contact even after the break-up and shared many friends in college. In fact their closeness started to really get on my nerves but he swore up and down he was over her and they were platonic now. Besides, she lives 1200 miles away so what was there to worry about?Then, suddenly just over two months ago his ex got dumped by her boyfriend. She called him (very emotional) and told him she'd been redeveloping feelings for him over the past few months as she found herself comparing her boyfriends to him as a golden standard. He fell for it and suddenly found himself having feelings for her all over again. Even though he wasn't sure about his chances with her, he decided he had to call things off with me and has since been trying to resurrect his relationship with his ex.At first I didn't think he was serious. I was very hurt though and maintained NC/LC except when I saw him with our mutual friends. Then within three weeks he told me they are "kind of" back together. Now two months after our breakup, they're still in this weird kind of undefined zone. No one really knows because he doesn't talk about her much. When he told me they were getting back together, I went cold turkey No Contact. I told him to leave me alone until I had established a real relationship in which I wasn't treated as a "backup." I also returned all the gifts he ever gave me, even a Valentine's Day card, and left them at his door when he wasn't home. I go out frequently with our mutual friends but I never invite him. When he is in my vicinity, I completely ignore him. I don't go out of my way to say anything or interact, I just act like he's a perfect stranger.The feedback I get from people is basically the same-He's setting himself up to get screwed, his ex is just rebounding to him, and I should move on because I will always be "second best," and if he tries to come back into the picture, don't give him a chance.I find all of this to be good advice. But what's been missing is the scenario where he actuallly DOES get over her and moves on. Untill he does, ANY girl he dates (not just me) would be a "second best." I'm sure everyone at some point or other in their lives has loved someone they couldn't have, and would have been second choicing anyone else. But you moved on, right? And the person you dated afterward was your number one- no second bests. So what do I do if he tries to come back into the picture?
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Give time to time... meanwhile, get busy doing something you like, take a trip, disconnect from it all. If he does come back maybe it will be you the one that's unavailable.
No one can really tell hun! Good luck!
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