A
female
age
41-50,
*eddybear
writes:I am desperate for help. I am depressed and feel lost. I will try my best to make it short. I met a man 1 year ago, who was still living with his wife, and they had a very young baby. He fell out of love with her and was contemplating leaving her for a while. We met, and fell completely in love. I know, it sounds wrong, but you must understand, you can’t help who you fall in love with, and though we both know it was very bad timing, we tried to work it out. He moved into his own home, and her into her own home, but the main problem was that, he has worked very hard his whole life, and made a lot of money, while she never worked, but now her whole family has convinced her to get a lawyer, and take him for everything he’s got. She is not a bad person, but she’s angry, understandably. They have 2 kids together, and he will always take care of them. He bought her a beautiful new house to live in, a brand new vehicle, and takes very good care of her, but also wants to protect himself. So he is trying to secure his financials before totally ending their relationship, as far as divorce. He is not involved with her at all, but he is keeping things civil until his financials are secure. So basically, he has to keep me a secret from her, and everyone else, until he is ready. I know this might sound awful, but trust me when I say he is only doing the best thing for himself and his kids, and even her, in the long run. The problem is, he has been “taking care of things” for the past year, and we still have to hide our relationship. He has not put all his financials in place yet, because he owned a lot of stuff and wants to make sure he is in the clear before we come out with everything. But it’s becoming too much for me. He still has stuff under her name, he receives sexual text messages from her, which he never responds to, but he doesn’t tell her to stop it, because he doesn’t want to start anything. So basically, I’m hiding everything for him, and putting up with this until he’s ready. It stresses be out so much sometimes, that I get depressed, and I can’t sleep or eat, and I cry all the time. He says he would understand if I left, but I love him so much. I know he is not doing anything wrong with her, but I really want a real relationship with him, and so, we’ve been talking, and I have a decision to make. I need to know if I should stick with him until he puts his stuff together, and in the meantime, I just have to deal with it. Or should I leave, and when he is ready to be with me completely, we can try again then. I sometimes feel like this is so unfair, and if he really loved me, he would be taking care of this much faster, and just do whatever he has to to be with me. And other times, I think to myself that I am being unreasonable, and that he is really, not doing anything that bad. He is faithful to me. It’s just little things that bug me. I don’t know what to do.We agreed to get together after this weekend, and am going to make my decision, but I need help. Sorry for rambling on, but I would really really appreciate any help you can offer. I love this man, and I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to lose my mind in the process. What should I do?
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female
reader, teddybear +, writes (17 February 2007):
teddybear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you soooooo much to everyone who has replied to my cry for help. I can't believe how great this place is.I came to the internet for help, but I didn't expect this. Everyone has given meexcellent advice, and will help me in my decision. So thank you all very much, I feel better already. You have all helped put my mind at ease so I can think clearly. I will let you know how this turns out in the end.
Thanks again!
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 Sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed! He is stringing you along and not committing so that is the problem. Let me give you my point of view, and I've been in the same situation except I was the man with a mistress. He's got his cake and he's eating it! As long as you accept the situation and endless excuses he'll not commit. If he really loves you, as other aunts have said, he would do anything to be with you, no matter what the cost. That's what love is; one is prepared to go to hell and back if necessary! So, you tell him that it's over between you and he must get his act together before you start a committed relationship. If he loves you he'll come running, if not you'll be free to get over the break and can start fresh and meet someone nice who loves you for you and is willing to commit 100%. Courage & take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): Depressed? Lost? Why not pissed off? Why on earth are you acting injured, lost and depressed. Get some balls, hun and tell him today...either he gets his act together or you walk. And be prepared to follow through. Never, ever feel guilt for putting your needs first here, hun, because apparently he's been putting his needs first, for the past year! Sweety, any man who doesn't completely end their marriage before dating another woman is a cad in my books, to begin with. That should've been your first red flag. The second you met him and found out he was married with a new baby was the moment you should have walked the other way. You end this as soon as you can and I'll tell you why. You have given up 1 year of your life, based on a pure fantasy. He's pussy-footing around the soon to be ex-wife with the excuse to protect his assets. So where is that leaving you. In hiding and resentful. Why are you tolerating this? You state you both are madly in love with each other. I'm afraid that is not true because if he loved you, he would not definitely keep you his secret. He's should be shouting his love for you from the rooftops. He'd make this an 'all or nothing' deal. He protecting his own butt at the risk of your pain and misery. The harsh truth is: he comes first, he doesn't care and he knows he can get away with it. It's time to sit him down and set a big boundary. Either he gets his affairs in order right now or you go. Setting a boundary is a risk in a relationship...it either ends the relationship or improves it. Don't be afraid to do this. When a woman is fearful of risk, she often will pick and remain with a man to complete her..to attach to. So there is no way around this. You must understand that you must acquire more dimension in your life than "love". Because when you just settle for 'love' you sell yourself short, and you tolerate crap like what this man is dishing out. With that 'love' you should definitely expect his respect, his honor and his commitment to you. You really deserve better than 'getting the short end of the stick here'.
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A
female
reader, babyblue +, writes (17 February 2007):
My heart really goes out to you and I do know and understand how you feel. AskEve is right, you really do need to assert yourself here and tell him how you feel. You owe this to yourself. Even though what the anonymous reader said above Eve seems a bit harsh, she is right.
What you need to remember when you meet him after the weekend is how you deserve more. Please think of yourself and though losing him would be absolutely awful for you, you can't carry on in this way. He needs to bring your relationship out in the open and be honest. Let him know how you feel, I can't stress this more. It needn't be a battle letting him know. He needs to know you are hurting.
I personally don't think he is being 'unfaithful' to you and that he does care for you but you deserve an honest, trusting man who is honourable. He could be the one for you. Give him the chance to prove it by him being honest.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, luvme247  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 I agree that if he is seperated from his wife then there should not be any reason to keep you a secret. Unless he isn't completely seperated from her. It sounds kind of fishy. I'd hate to see you being used. I am not saying that is the case here, but it might be. I think that until he is ready to publicly accept you as his girlfriend (to family/friends) you should break it off. If I were you I wouldn't word it that you can't handle the stress of everything. Put it on him & tell him that you don't think that he is ready for a relationship & tell him how you feel. Hope that helps. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, SUE7  +, writes (17 February 2007):
Well,
I'm afraid you are going to lose your mind in the process do you like wine? The married man is so lost he dose not know how to tell his wife and for taking care of things while bonking it off with you I think he hasn't done at all there is no such thing as taking care of somebody when they are having an affair. I think you should clear your head totally and go and find someone who is suitable for you before his wife gets hurt!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): RUN!!! You don't want him. He's a user.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): If you love this man then let him go! He didn't come to you with honesty and integrity..Do you really think he will give it to you now? Us women need to realize we are worth more than someone who will step out on their wife after several years and kids, keeping her at home while sneaking around with you...aren't you worth more? I bet you are. There is more to life than sex or money. Love yourself enough to step back and really think about this...us women aren't really as stupid as they treat us..
No offfense intended just tired of women lowering theirself to satisfy men..think about you!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 February 2007):
 I sympathise with the situation you're in, it must be really wearing you down. He is in his own place now and she is in hers. He has looked after her very well already, he's bought her a new car and a new house to live in so I'd say he's pretty much paid his dues to her. All that he really needs to continue to do is pay child support for his 2 children.
I hate to say this to you but something doesn't sound quite right here love. She sends him sexual text messages but he doesn't answer... at least not when he's with you! How do you know for sure he doesn't reply when you're not there? You say he's being faithful to you, how do you know that? Can you prove it?
He could be divorced by now let alone not have his financials dealt with. I don't think he's being totally up front with you here. You say "if he really loved me he would be taking care of this much faster." If he really loved you he would have you out in the open whether or NOT his financials were dealt with! He's been away from her for over a year now and he lives in his own place. He's legally separated from her now so he can see whoever he wants to.
When you meet with him you need to be strong here. Tell him you've thought long and hard about the situation and you're not willing to be "the other woman" any longer! You want your relationship with him out in the open, you shouldn't need to hide away like something he's embarrassed about, you're sick of it! Tell him to call you again once he's sorted out his life, and not before. Be serious about it though and stand by your principles, have some respect for yourself and don't let him treat you this way.
When he sees your serious he'll try to get round you and tell you it won't be long now etc etc. DON'T FALL FOR IT! He calls you when he's ready to have a proper relationship and not keep you hidden away! If he's been telling you the truth and is genuine then this might just be the kick he needs rather than lose you. My honest opinion is if he was genuine he'd already have you out in the open NOW. He's bought her out already with the house and the car, I can't quite work out what he's up to but something is definitely amiss here.
Good luck and stand firm okay?
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): Oh, you poor thing, Im sorry to hear you're so down, it does sound very confusing and I don't know what I would do if I were you. I guess my advice would be to trust your instincts, if he is already seperated then he has made definate steps towards making a new life with you, but then again, if he is separated then there shouldn't be any legal problem with him seeing you.
My friend has been through a similar thing with her ex-boyfriend, who made it incredibly difficult for her to split financially from him. She began dating somebody else after they split up, but because her ex was still living in their jointly owned house, she kept her new relationship on the downlow so that he ex wouldn't make life more difficult.
The house has just now been sold and my friend is now free to do as she pleases and is happy with her new man, so I can tell you that your man may be quite genuine in his actions, as was my friend.
I hope it works out and please keep us posted, lots of luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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