A
female
age
51-59,
*ayley37
writes:Please help. I have met a man I have fallen for in a big way. It started as an affair, yes he's married. I don't think I'm a fling, my gut feeling tells me that. He tells me he is deeply unhappy, they don't sleep together, she has no interest in him in that way, I know that they have separate bedrooms as I have been to his house on many occasions, I've also met him at his work, so I truly believe that if it was just a fling he wouldnt risk it!! I've had long chats with him, he wanted to give it a good go, his marriage that is but now he says that he doesn't love her and the only thing stopping him is purely finanicial.My problem is I push, I can't stop myself, when I'm not with him I text him all the time, he hardly ever replies which then upsets me. When we are together it's fantastic, its not just sex. We don't sleep together each time we are together. I've been seeing him for about 4 months and in that time I've slept with him about 4 times so it's not just sex for him either. I'm so confused, I don't want to leave I just don't know what I should do. He's told me that by xmas he's going to do something as he's been unhappy for years.What do I do and how do stop behaving like some clinging, needy female.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): I met my man while he was separated from his wife. He hadn't lived with her for six months, yet had plans to return for his children when he met me. He had already decided that the marriage would not work, as she was cheating on him throughout the entire time they agreed to take a break so that they could work on their problems (he had plenty of evidence from her email). Still, he did go back as planned several months later. He even thought at first that he might give her another chance, yet within four days, decided to end it as he was tired of receiving threatening calls from the men she cheated on him with and was not impressed by her total lack of guilt about cheating. Still, for financial reasons, he lived with her for six months. On a sofa. Out-of-state from where I met him.Your situation is a little different, but my advice is to end it with him. My guy did not make much effort to get out until I tried to end it with him. Then he moved out within a couple of weeks.Still, even though we are happy together and she is happy with her new guy, I would have rather started the relationship long after they divorced. Dating someone going through a divorce is painful, and what's worse about it is that no one will recognize the pain it causes you, even your man. Even though he wants to leave her, he did love her at one point and the devastation of an ending marriage can take quite a toll on a person emotionally. My guy and I are amazingly still together, and things are better than ever now, but I tell you, for the first year, breaking up was an everyday threat. Tell him to get in touch with you after his divorce is finalized. It will be much easier then. You won't have any guilt feeling like a home-wrecker. His family won't see you as a home-wrecker. You won't sabotage the relationship with suspicions of whether he still loves his wife. You won't wonder after every argument whether he thinks he made a mistake leaving her.It is very hard and painful, as I'm sure you are already aware.
A
female
reader, helpjayne +, writes (16 November 2008):
 it was wrong to get in this deep at the begining but it's happend now, you can either look at it 2 ways
that he has no intention of leaving her and your just good sex or he has truly been unhappy for ages and he cares alot for you. i think your terrified of him turning around and saying he's guna give it another go with his wife and thats why you have the desire to text him constantly as a way to check up on him to make sure that he doesn't forget you.
but ask yourself this, do you always want to be second best? if you can hang on til xmas thats good if he doesn't do what you want him to then don't stay with him. these situations can be tricky i mean you were the other woman in the first place you knew the score but you didn't expect to fall so hard for this guy? i think you really need to decipline yourself if in january he hasn't left then you know that he's never guna leave and if you stay you will always just be the good sex, the woman that he can use and drop when his marriage gets hard.
i think you should go out with your friends and take your mind off this your obsessing too much treat this as a time to go have fun and when he takes you seriously enough to get rid of this woman you can be serious about him. talk to him tell him that you are guna wait until january and that you are going to give him some space to decide who he cares about more. it's guna be hard but please put the fone down! see him sometimes but not as often. and don't be worried that if you don't see him he's guna fall back in love with his wife, if he truly cares he'l keep his word if he doesn't you can always think fondly of him as an asshole and then you'l realise just how not worth it he really is.
i wish you all the best
x
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (16 November 2008):
 Honey let me be the first to tell you that you aren't the only needy one here. He is needy too! He is seeking the affection and closeness of a woman to whom he is not married , while HE IS MARRIED to someone else. Most men who are married and have a mistress usually never leave the wife. You stand a chance of always being last on his list.
Your neediness is making you act irresponsible and most likely obsessive to a degree. Don't try rationalizing why he is or isn't with you. I think you really know the answer and that is what is making you even more clingy. HE HAS A WIFE! He is SPENDING TIME with HER, his family and friends. You don't completely fit into the picture here.
If this man has allowed himself to care for you he is only decieving himself and you in saying he will do something about his marriage. If his finance's would be so bad should he leave, it will most likely make it quite impossible as well.* Just a note..Many times men go thru a midlife crisis' and they get all confused about their marriage's. It is then they seek out someone new. It dosen't mean they are willing to trade or throw away what they have a home. It's more like an experience of the newness of a relationship where their is romance, tenderness,and feelings of love instead of the same ole day to day grind. The bills, the kids, the broken faucet, the car in the shop,the pound picked up the dog, to tired, to much work, not enough play. Something to take you away from all this and make you feel alive again. Refreshing your life and giving you a new outlook.( it happens to women as well)
Most of the time however it turns out to be more hectic, time consuming and stressful and you hurt others who really care about you. It happens and then Poof! It's gone..
As far as being the other woman, why would you want to take less than you would deserve? You should seek someone who won't have to put your second or last if it be. Someone who will be devoted to you and who doesn't have to break up a family to be with you. When one spouse leaves the other in a case like this they will often do the same to the next person, leaving them for someone else.
The fact that you are becomming pushy shows that you are not in control of this situation and it's causing you alot of mental stress. You need to back off and get yourself together hon. If he is making you this unstable by leading you along as it sounds, he is stripping you of your dignity your common sense of decency. He is making you feel out of control and more needy. You are clinging to his every word in hopes that he choose's you. Most likely he won't because he can't. He can't afford to. Don't let yourself be pulled in any further. Let him go..after all HE IS ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND! How would you feel if it happened to you? Besides the fact remains he is starting to make you feel kinda crazy here.
* Just a note. Sometimes when one walks upon our toes they have already been embedded in our hearts. Sometimes they remain there forever.....but they can make us travel a long lonely road to which there is no return.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (16 November 2008):
 Obsession is very hard to deal with. But you need to get a grip. You MUST tell him that unless he actually plans to leave his wife you can no longer be involved with a married man.
This is just as much your fault as his since you chose to get involved with a married man. His unhappiness is not your problem. He is using you. Ask when he plans to get a divorce and to call you once it is done.
He can't be all as unhappy as he says he is otherwise he would have already left her. Why would you want a man who cheats and why would he leave his wife for a woman who helps him cheat?
You will never find happiness with a man who has another life aside of you. Don't make him choose between the two of you. Just be very calm and say this isn't working and when the divorce is final, if he ever does leave her, call you then. NO drama! NO tears! Don't ever tell him you live him, it just feeds his ego. You are both being very selfish. No way out of that reality.
You will never really know what is going on with the marriage, she no doubt has a totally different story. She might love him very much and hates that he is unfaithful.
END THIS NOW
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