A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé's mother and father are hard edged and bitter towards their last daughter in law. My fiancé is divorced. They were only allowed to see the grandchildren on a limited basis. He has two grown children. The connection is broken with the grandchildren and my fiancé's kids see his ex-wife's parents all the time and never go out of their way to see his parents.They say his ex-wife was a bitch. That is all I have heard from them is Mary did this and Mary did that. Also, my fiancé is the same way about his ex-wife, bitter and resentful.His ex-wife was the one that booted him out of his house.I figure there is always two sides to marriage and all I am hearing is one side. Actually, at times I feel some pity for his ex-wife even if they claim her to be a bitch.Sometimes I will mention to my fiancé what his children are doing, their comings and goings on Facebook and he gets upset and tells me not to torture him like that. I never met to "torture" him about his kids. I thought he would want an update on their lives.Now I stay completely out of it and I have learned "never" to mention his kids to him again. I let him handle it all. I want to stay in the background.I am widowed and never had children.At times, I feel like I am entering into a minefield and I wonder a lot if I need to be taking this all on later in my life.All I want is peace and contentment in my later years and not all this upheaval and getting caught up in family drama.It was hard enough being widowed and now trying to rebuild my life without my late husband. It's all been traumatic for me. Actually, I never intended on dating again, but I took a chance and it just happened.I have asked his parents and my fiancé to keep the comments about his ex-wife at bay and it works for a while, but eventually they revert back to their old patterns. People don't change.Has anyone else had to deal with this and what can be done, if anything?
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 You are doing the right thing by keeping completely out of it. It's very hard to follow in the footsteps of another woman and I think your fiancé and his family are being very insensitive towards you. It's actually quite insulting to you that they are discussing his ex in front of you.I know this because I have a similar situation but my fiancée is widowed. I am sick to death of hearing his female friends talking about his late wife as though she was the most wonderful person that once walked this earth. This usually occurs at social gatherings. It makes me feel very uncomfortable in the same way that you must feel uncomfortable about your situation. I've found it best to switch off from it. When they start talking about her I move off and go and find somebody else to talk to.Overall I would say that you need to switch off from your fiancée and family when they start talking about his ex wife and even leave the room or go home. I suppose you could say 'I'm sorry but this doesn't involve me so I think I'll go home now and let you continue this discussion between you', and walk out. As they say, actions speak louder than words, and your fiancé is going to get a bit fed up of being left moaning with his parents while you disappear!Most importantly ... until you're completely happy do not let go of your own life or your own home.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (7 June 2014):
 It is difficult when you enter into a relationship with someone who has an ex who caused the family a lot of trouble or heartache and it is hard to know where the lines are. I am in a relationship with a guy who had a kid with his ex and there was absolutely zero love-loss between them because things were THAT bad. There was a lot of bad blood and talk from the family and I heard all the usual stories about what she did to him etc etc etc but over the years I have come to think that it couldn't have all been her, it never is. I can't find myself hating her, I talk to her more than he does now, actually, and things are fine there - my hubs didn't want updates on anything we'd come across online about what she was up to (we do have some friends in common) and it was hard to know where to step in and where not to until I started asking questions, telling it like it was and making sure we were on the same page.
Last thing a guy who had a tough relationship wants is to hear about her or their nonsense over and over but if you are in a family who does nothing but dwell on the past then you're in big trouble because there is no way to get over that and make peace with it if you (they) can't let it go!
I have learned over the years to speak up when something is bothering me but to understand when my actions might bother my husband - all opinions of his family don't matter or count and I let those wash off my back even if they are true about her because I wasn't in a relationsip with her and I just don't feel that hate towards her.
I really don't think you can talk someone out of having sch bad feelings for someone and if there is a constant dialogue about it with his folks then perhaps they just need to find other common ground to get a conversation going so maybe some deflection is in order.
I would say for your part to jsut let him do what he feels comfortable as far as his kids are concerned as they are his kids and a long part of his life before you and unless you raised them it is a touchy subject and a constant reminder of the things he has missed out on and probably somewhat easier to put aside rather than face, so it isn't the best solution but I can understand it.
Try talking to him, again, see what happens. Sometimes the message just has to be repeated a few times to get through.
If it is not going to change and it is going to continue to put this air over your head that you would rather not breathe in then it might be time to rethink the relationship, too.
Either way, I hope it works out for you! xx
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