A
female
age
30-35,
*ollowtheblackrabbit
writes:I try to be a great friend but I feel like I just can't be. This friend I have is nice, intelligent and when she got over her attraction foe me, we were ok. But she wanted so much of my time! Called all tge time and wanted to hang all the time. Byt then she started getting strange pains and feeling sick. I once took an almost two-hour drive to take her to a doctor. I also loaned her a litrle money which I probably wont get back but that doesn't bother me too much. I've left work early to help her and driven her here and there. I worried over her and tried to help when they forced her on medical leave. I tried to be there but my own life was getting heavy and i felt like everyone kept pulling at me. I blew up. I told one friebd there was no way i was watching his kids for him anymore. Loved them but i was exhausted and he never got that it took a lot to finish 16hrs of work and drive over to watch his twins. Then, I distanced myself. Yesterday she texts me to say she's getting evicted and this morning, asked if I could help. I don't know how to tell her that I have my own issues to solve and I just can't. I hate that I feel so selfish and I do want to help. But I feel suffocated.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Wow, I would feel overwhelmed too if I were you.
IT IS OK, to say no, honey.
IF you feel like you have MORE then enough on your plate then tell the friend(s) just that. There is nothing wrong in having a busy life or having a lot to deal with. It happens, it's all part of life. SVC is 100% right about her analogy about the airplane and masks. Think on that one for a while :)
IT IS NOT your fault she is getting evicted, and unless you have room for her and want her living with you what else can you do?
I agree with Denise, she is seriously taking advantage of you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 your NOT being selfish.
you say "I wish I could help but I've got so much on my own plate right now that i have to take care of me first"
I always use the plane analogy
when you get on a plane they tell you in the event of an emergency you put the oxygen mask on. They then tell you if you are traveling with children or adults that need assistance you PUT THE MASK ON YOURSELF FIRST. THEN you take care of the kids.
this goes against EVERYTHING mothers feel. We want to take care of our kids first... but the point is that we CANNOT take care of others if we are incapacitated so we have to take care of ourselves FIRST.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): "I don't know how to tell her that I have my own issues to solve and I just can't."
Just tell her that. Straight up and honestly just say "sorry, I have so much going wrong for me at the moment I'm in no position to help anyone."
OP you know what's ironic, your need to be everyone's saviour all the time is even more selfish than maintaining a balance and letting people rely on others and/or fend for themselves more. Your need to feel good and not feel guilty is more of a hindrance than if you kept some balance. It really is. They become over-reliant on you, it makes you unreliable because no one can keep that up, it fucks up your own life and frankly it makes your friendships one sided and gives people the nasty habit of taking you for granted.
OP you're fucking yourself up and ruining your friendships by not maintaining a balance.
As you see you've now gone from one extreme, doing everything and anything for people to the opposite extreme, exploding and distancing yourself.
learn to say no, and start this time with this girl. Do it graciously and don't for a second feel guilty.
You really need to learn how to say no OP. Helping your friends is of course what you do and rightly so, but only if it doesn't have a major impact on your life.
OP mother theresa still ate regularly, slept well and took care of her needs first. If she couldn't take care of herself then what use was she to orphan kids?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Well, your friend has problems, that's for sure, BUT she has become far to dependent on you and you have allowed her to take advantage.
You have helped her in the past, a lot. Now you have to be very firm and just tell her that you're sorry, but there's nothing you can do. Tell her to turn to her family and other friends, or to seek counseling, or paid work.
There is no reason whatsoever for you to feel selfish! You've done enough!
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