A
female
age
41-50,
*ookin for answers
writes:Hello Aunts, Uncles, Everyone... This is my first time writing so I hope this is the right place and I apologise if it is not...I really want to try and be as balanced as I can... and be completely honest...I should really give you a bit of background on myself really... I had been single for four years up until a few months ago... and the reason I was single is because I was in a very bad relationship for about four years where I was both physically and mentally abused... as well as cheated on... It was terrible... I finally got out of it four years ago and I really focused on myself and rebuilt myself... and I really do feel I'm a better person for it...Anyway, a few months ago I met this girl and she instantly liked me... I want to be as fair as I can to her here... She really did make a lot of effort... and made it clear she wanted a relationship... I told her what I had been through and told her if we were going to do this we would do it right.... I didn't want any secrets or lies... I wanted to build a solid relationship. Really get to know one another. Be best friends as well as lovers.Two of the things that are really, really important here is she told me she had never cheated and that she had been single for 18 months... After I had told her cheating was a big no no for me and that I had been single for 4 years.Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we spent the weekend together and at the beginning of the weekend she told me she had really fallen for me and she was in love with me. I told her I wasn't there yet but I was very close....Then at the end of the weekend, just as I was leaving she told me she wanted to be completely honest and that in her last relationship she had cheated... and not only cheated but had a full on affair... I couldn't look at her and I had to get away... I left immediately and she was crying when I left as she said she wanted to talk about it but I told her I needed to gather my thoughts... Anyway, after a few days when the dust had settled we began talking... and everything was relatively okay... But then a few days ago on a well known social network site her daugher shared some photos of memories... but in one of the photos just from last Christmas there were photos of her with this guy... cuddling and kissing... I asked her about it and she told me it was a guy she was seeing at Christmas just there... When I said she had told me she had been on her own for 18 months she said she had told me about it... She never... 100% she never... I've not got mad or angry about it... as I feel that solves nothing... I've tried to be very mature about it.... But when I said to her you lied to me... she says she hasn't.... Now I'm questioning everything and I'm anxious and now I'm completely doubting everything she says... She's told me she loves me and she's told me she's taken a couple of days off work for the long weekend and asked to spend it with me...But I just feel like she has completely lied to me... I'm checking up on her... I'm trying to catch her out... and I have... again.... and that's not how a relationship should be... That's not fair on her... or me... I don't want to hurt her... but I don't want to get hurt either... I am willing to see her at the weekend, but that's really to have clear the air talks... but I don't know?? Should I give her another chance... or just cut all ties completely...She has phoned and messaged me several times crying and telling me how much she loves me and that's why she wanted to tell the truth about the affair she had previously because she didn't want any secrets... but then there is this guy from ChristmasTo me she has lied to me... She has cheated... Yes, not on me... to my knowledge... but she has cheated... and to me that makes her a liar and a cheat...Am I being unfair to her or not man enough??A relationahip at the beginning should be about being happy and having fun... this isn't fun or happy.I don't want to do?? Please help?? Thank you to everyone
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): Relationships are built on trust and truth. You were told she'd been single for 18 months, not that she hadn't been seeing anyone or dating. Don't be so hard on her about that.
Apparently the Christmas-fling was quite casual. If she's gone from guys to gals, I guess the questions should actually be what her true preference is, and if this guy is entirely out of the picture?
I don't think you should press this love-pursuit any further, to be honest.
You've already decided she can't be trusted, and there's too much drama right at the starting-gate.
When you go as far as calling her a liar and cheat, why continue messing with this female?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2020):
 You are not man enough... since, supposedly, you are a British °female° aged 36-40 .
Anyway, your gender, and your partner's gender, does not matter at all in this instance, being a matter of principle.
And, being a matter of princile, I'd have to say that you have answered your own question : cheating is a big no non for you. And, by your standards, she is a cheat AND a liar.
So?...isn't it self -evident what you should do ? I am always surprised by how often people is adamant and forceful in stating deal-breakers... which then they are the first to break ,given even a half chance !
Mind you, I am not saying that breaking up with an ex-cheater is the one and only thing to do. I think the issue is more nuanced and more complex- many people would say that if this girl cheated on another man, that does not mean that she will also cheat on you .
And as for her " lies ", that's a matter of opinions, too, some people might say that she did not lie; she only told you she had been single for the last 18 months, and having a couple of dates or some short lived sex fling does not break the singletude, only having a real relationship does. So, once again, it's a matter of personal perspective , not all the world will judge the same behaviours in the same way.
BUT, even if the consensus cannot be universal,- the opinion which matters is just your opinion. To be happy you have to be true to yourself.
So, if for you having cheated in the past on a previous partner is a dealbreaker- there you have it, - no deal , end of story.
Plus, if you feel she lied to you , because you mean "being single " in a very stringent, literal sense... another dealbreaker.
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